Whew! I think I might have pulled something with that last post. It was like stream of consciousness and that stream was located next to a toxic waste dump and there were clowns paddling down the stream in a cellophane canoe. Still with me? Good.
If you’re just tuning in, One Awkward Year nominated me for a Liebster Award, and to partake of the honour, I’m supposed to fulfill certain requirements. What happens if I don’t? Huh? Huh? Gonna take my award away? Oh yeah? Come and get me, coppers!
Enough attitude, let’s get right to it, shall we?
Requirement #1: For riches, love and future health, 11 things about yourselth
- Jackson Browne’s “Lawyers in Love” gets stuck in my head more often than any other song.
- It used to be one of my favourite things, but recently I’ve had little interest in watching movies. It’s the same old routine, there’s no imagination, the endings are predictable and life’s too short to be wasting my time on such frivolities. I’m worried I’ll soon be feeling the same way about sex.
- Over the years I’ve been told I look like Hugh Grant, Kevin Bacon, hockeyist Doug Gilmour, Milo from Atlantis, Jim Cuddy from Blue Rodeo, Waldo, Dr. House and Abraham Lincoln. Frankly, I think I look like a butch Petula Clark.
- As a boy soprano, I sang “Bonnie Mary of Argyle” at my music teacher’s wedding.
- I rarely use profanity in my writing. Not that I’m against it; I swear all the time. I just think there are other ways to make an impact. Plus it’s fun to use faux-profanity, like “Go fork yourself.” That way, you force the readers to do the cussin’ in their head whether they want to or not.
- The first time I used profanity outright was at school in my Grade 8 year. Some classmates and I were working on an after-school project. I went to the washroom and discovered that someone had shit in the urinal. “Someone shit in the urinal,” I reported. There was really no other sensible way to say it. Floodgates opened…
- I don’t know the difference between a sub, a hoagie and a grinder.
- Also, which one’s Tango and which one’s Cash?
- I lost my virginity on a Good Friday. Try Great Friday!
- I can think of many horrible ways to die but I really hope I don’t choke on an artichoke. Death by wordplay would be too much to bear.
- I have worked out in a gym a total of one time.
- I always have to remind myself: there is no “I” in “Ross Murray.”
Requirement #2: To counteract your indigestions, answer these 11 questions
1. What is your favorite vegetable?
The onion, because it makes so many other foods better and can also be used as social assault weapon.
2. If you had one shot, or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment, would you capture it or just let it slip?
Based on experience, I would do all in my power to seize but would, alas, miss the deadline by a day. Carpe doh-em!
3. Breasts or thighs? Of a CHICKEN, ya perv.
If those are my only choices: thighs. In a perfect world: giblets.
4. Would you rather have an extra nose in the middle of your forehead OR an ear dangling from the bottom of your chin?
Good lord, what kind of question is that? Fine: nose, because two noses seems reasonable, whereas three ears just seems greedy.
5. Who was your hero when you were a child?
Mr. Dressup, who was a sort of Canadian Mr. Rogers except less blissed out. He drew, made crafts, hung out with Casey and Finnegan and dressed up in clothes from his Tickle Trunk. Hands up, Canadian kids, how many of you had your own Tickle Trunk? I did.
6. Floss: waxed or unwaxed? Mint or unflavored?
I’m a born-again flosser so I’ve actually settled on this. Waxed, unflavoured preferred but not fussy as long it’s not cherry or bubblegum, and it can’t be no-name brand because whenever I use that cheap stuff I need a blood transfusion.
7. What is your favorite holiday and why?
Man, these are a lot of questions! Labour Day, because there are no religious or cultural overtones or obligations, just a frikkin’ day off to milk summer for one more day.
8. What is your standard daily breakfast?
Whatever my manservant Alphonso brings to me on the gilt platter whilst I lounge in my big fat king-sized bed.
10. What is your favorite boy band and who is your favorite member? (I’m judging this answer.)
Wilco; bassist John Stirratt, because he’s the only one who’s been able to put up with Jeff Tweedy since the beginning. Plus he’s dreamy. (Am I doing this wrong?)
11. If you could describe yourself in three words, what would they be?
Real. Slim. Sadie.
Requirement #3: Satisfy those nagging muthahs, nominate 11 othehs
Oh boy, another tough one. Some of these fine bloggers have already been Liebstered but, hey, you can never have too many awards. My list includes some fairly faithful visitors to this blog, which I appreciate, or I just dig them or I haven’t nominated them for anything before or just because. Rather than describe them, give them a click and see for yourself what they offer.
- Hey Beergut: Essays from the Cougar Den
- After the Kids Leave
- Ambling and Rambling
- Reading Interrupted
- Cruella Dekill
- The Chubby Mermaid
- Healthy Takeover
- Running on Sober
- Life of Kylie
Requirement #4: Answer these here questions eleven and you’re at the door of Liebster heaven!
the worst of all holidays Valentine’s Day just a few weeks away, I thought I’d take all my questions from Award Questions: Musical Love Songs Edition ™.
- Why do fools fall in love?
- Who wrote the book of love?
- Where did our love go?
- How can you mend a broken heart?
- What’s love got to do with it?
- Where is the love?
- If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?
- Will you still love me tomorrow?
- Do you believe in life after love?
- Who do you love?
- Is that all there is?
There. Not so hard. Totally worth it. However, I nee see in other Liebster acceptance speeches that all this “11″ business may be entirely arbitrary. I saw one list of requirements limited to three. THREE! So hear this, all ye nominees: accept this award with my warmth and appreciation for your efforts and words, but DO NOT FEEL OBLIGATED TO FULFILL THESE ONEROUS OBLIGATIONS (as much as I’ve enjoyed doing so). Contrite Hugh Grant says it’s okay too.
Thanks for making it through this Awards Acceptance Marathon. Back to regular programming next time. Keep on keepin’ onyx.