Rob Ford is at my house

murrayfordselfie

The author and Mayor Rob Ford share a lighter moment during treatment.

I am the undisclosed location. I can’t give you the address, for legal reasons, but I’ve decided to come forward because it’s only a matter of time before the media discover that Mayor Rob Ford is undergoing rehab at my house. After all, this is the story of our time. It’s like reality television, except real.

Mayor Rob Ford checked in over a week ago. Well, when I say “checked in,” I mean “showed up at the door.”

“Lookit, I hope you can give me a place to stay and the help I need,” he said. “And a sandwich.” Naturally, I had no choice, mainly because he’s way bigger than me.

“I also admit,” Mayor Rob Ford added, “that I’ve been rolling around with your dog, and I sincerely, sincerely apologize for the damage to your lawn. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. What more do you want me to say? How many times do I have to say it?”

The apologizing went on for a while, but soon we had cleaned the clumps of sod and were settling Mayor Rob Ford in to begin his treatment. Our goal was simple: keep Mayor Rob Ford out of trouble. In retrospect, my house is the ideal location because my kids are always telling me it’s so-o-o-o bor-r-r-r-ring here.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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40 Responses to Rob Ford is at my house

  1. List of X says:

    Just make sure that Ford doesn’t bite you and turn you into another mayor of Toronto.

  2. Paul says:

    You can honestly say that you’re partcipating in the rehabiltation of Canada itself. It’s not uncommon for foreigners to comment: “You’re from Canada? Isn’t that where Rob Ford is mayor?” Once you have completed your rehab task Ross, we, as Canadians, will be able to proudly respond: “Yes, but we’ve adressed that and are now ready to move on.” Thanks to you, Ross, we can look forward to the day when we will once more be able to take our rightful place amongst the nations of the world without having to explain Rob Ford. To give such a wonderful gift to all the citizens of Canada and especially the Mothers on this Mother’s Day, is above and beyond the call of duty. We, the Citizens salute you, Ross, on this special day.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I am currently building a bronze statue to myself in the front yard. Rob Ford is napping.

      • Paul says:

        Ummm, you might want to be careful – if I’m not mistaken, crack pipes can be made from bronze. If you come out of the house one morning and a small chunk of your statue has been cut off, best to find Rob right away before Dr.Oz’s predictions come true (Oz recently commented while visiting Toronto, that given Rob Ford is issuing public news releases from his rehab center, he likely isn’t taking the process seriously enough).

  3. markbialczak says:

    Oh, no, Ross. For security reasons and otherwise, you had to send your crack staff home …

  4. Paul says:

    Oh, by the way, I had to do a bit of a work around to leave a comment today. When i go to the full article, i can’t get from there (Life in Quebec) to the comments without signing in and it won’t accept my wordpress account info – I tried a number of times. I had to read the post and then pull up your website again and go directly to comments without going through the post. Ha! You’ll have to try harder than that to keep me out – but good attempt!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Yes, the commentability (?) at LinQ is not the easiest, and it’s not a WordPress platform. I’m just trying to send him some traffic. Glad you found your way out of the labyrinth.

  5. Please keep there as long as he needs to be. My city is much better without his and Dougie’s (may I be as informal as to call him that?) drama. I am sure that he is holding all his calls. Except for his lawyer’s. And Lisi’s. Oh, and the pizza guy’s. And the guy who washes his Escalade. Remember though, that he wasn’t invited to your rehab house “to be perfect”. So if he vomits over the kids’ artwork and eats all the ketchup chips and Vachon Jos Louis cakes and drives your car over the neighbour’s old Nativity scene…cut him some slack. He’s just a regular Joe, right? A good ol’ Tim Hortons, Wendy’s kind of guy. Who is rich.

    I hope you’re charging heavy rent there :)

    Paul

  6. ksbeth says:

    hide the children.

  7. Whatever you do, don’t let him see the ‘changing cat on the newell post’ trick. It might set him back a few weeks.

  8. You don’t know know how much I wish this actually happened.

    Wait…this is a fake story, right?

    True story: When I was in high school, I came home late one Saturday night after a weed bender, opened the refrigerator and ate the leftover turkey stuffing with my bare hands. I didn’t even nuke it to warm it up. Not my finest hour.

  9. Ned's Blog says:

    Wait a minute… I haven’t seen Justine Bieber for a while, either. How many troubled souls are you rehabbing at your place?!? I hope this goes better than that time Whitney Houston stayed with you.

  10. Trent Lewin says:

    Um, he was rolling around with the dog was he? I think you better get that poor pooch some counselling, stat. As for Mr. Ford? Have him spayed and neutered. Repeatedly.

  11. Addie says:

    For a few years, I lived in New Orleans. Great town, tons of history, amazing food, brilliant music, ignored by the government when it was pretty much wiped off the face of the planet and unique politicians. I’m pretty sure Rob Ford could easily find a career down there should he ever decide to leave Canada, and by leave I mean be kicked out. After Huey–and Earl–Long and Ray Nagin, he’ll be a shoo-in for whatever office he desires, as long as he remembers to keep his, um, ‘contributions’ in his freezer, like every good Louisiana politician. I’m looking at you, Rep. Bill Jefferson.

  12. Letizia says:

    I’m worried about the dog….

  13. benzeknees says:

    I’m glad it’s you & not me!

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