This weekend at your Cineplexaporium

Turns out Neeson has surprisingly delicate hands.

Turns out Neeson has surprisingly delicate hands.

Overdue

Liam Neeson reprises his role as someone who’s way angrier than you’d expect in the revenge-musical of the summer. When Ewen Drubble is hired as the local librarian in a sleepy New England town, no one suspects that he is a hit man forced out of retirement to do one last job. When a patron fails to return a late copy of The Happiness Project, mayhem, fines and dance routines ensue. Includes the hit songs “Kindle This!” and “Dewey Decimal Die,” with music by Sir Elton John and lyrics by a block of Havarti.

 

Barney Miller’s Crossing

The Coen brothers bring the beloved seventies police-station sit-com to the screen with all the characters you love but very few of the laughs. Instead, there’s wry quirkiness and obtuse symbolism aplenty to make you feel just sophisticated enough to convince yourself that you’re not actually kind of bored. When a man with no name (Jeff Bridges) is brought in for practicing moral objectivism without a licence, he convinces Wojciehowicz (John Goodman) that his precinct-mates are plotting to murder him for the insurance money, said insurance policy appearing out of the blue in a pile of 1950s True Detective magazines, said magazines serving as research material for a wry short story Harris (Donald Glover) is writing about a man with no name (!). Detectives Fish (Frank Langella) and Nick Yemena (Steve Buscemi) engage in a battle over fair trade coffee that erupts in extreme but wry violence. Meanwhile, Barney (George Clooney in a wry moustache) sits in his office staring blankly at his aquarium of miniature sharks and making complex structural drawings of the perfect sandwich. Smoked meat. On rye.

 

A Million and One Farts!

Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler team up like you always feared they would in this gas-tacular new comedy from the creators of Huge! and The Easy Chair! Murphy and Sandler play Joe and Don, two recently divorced dads who decide to trick their emotionally distant and frankly rude children into loving them more than they love their mothers. And they do it by becoming professional wrestlers! They call themselves Gaseous Clay and Flatus Pancakes! They wear tights! And when they bend over, sometimes the tights split! You won’t guess what happens next! Eva Mendes and Rashida Jones also star as racially vague but somewhat shrewish love interests! Exclamation marks!

 

Snacks in the City

When true love collides with her career as New York’s top celebrity hot dog vendor, sometimes a girl “mustard” make a decision she won’t necessarily “relish.” Especially if the girl has nice “buns.” Katherine Heigl (alas) stars as Kindova Pill, the frisky but driven star of a wildly successful relationship advice webcast called “Sausage Talk” that she hosts from her hot dog cart in Central Park. But when a smart-talking, chisel-jawed felafel vendor (Aaron Eckhart) shows up and starts stealing the spotlight – and her heart – soon it’s not just the carts that are steamy. Will they find love among the links? Will they remember to use a condiment? Also starring Stanley Tucci as the gay, homeless best friend with profound wisdom and terrible toupee.

 

Pixar’s Pants!

Family comedy comes out of the closet in this rollicking animated adventure of fashion follies that’s literally all style. When a 10-year-old blazer (voiced by Jeff Tweedy from Wilco) gets shoved deeper down the rack to make way for a saucy new Italian suit (Sasha Baron Cohen), it’s an epic tale of wardrobe-and-peace. Musical numbers include “That’s Where It’s Cravat,” “Hanger High,” “Quit Your Hemmin’ (I Call That Colour ‘Lemon’),” and “Who Gives a Shirt?” Based on the original animated short.

 

Burnt Rubber 3D

Speed. Lust. Revenge. One last job. Rubber boots. Size 10. An acetylene torch. Gratuitous bikinis. One sex scene tastefully lit with no weird noises. Look out! That was close. Let’s get out of here. More cars and rubber boots. The shipment? Taiwan camel race is the only way. Stay. Go. It’s over. But is it? A gun. A gun? Yes, a gun. We’re through for sure. Explosion! That was another close one. Clever quip. Swordfight on top of an airplane plummeting to the ground. Didn’t see that coming. Diamonds! A squirrel? He’s dead. Or is he? Sequel! Starring Channing Tatum as a cooked ham.

 

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Never Happened and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to This weekend at your Cineplexaporium

  1. what? WHAT?

    I took this entirely seriously until you threw in the ten year old blazer voiced by Jeff Tweedy. Tweed Blazer? Too far gone to be anything but made up.

  2. Me too! But I only got it when I read that you think Channing Tatum should play a cooked ham. That’s mean. I mean, his acting is so deep and meaningful. Didn’t you see “The Vow”? ;)

  3. Mick Theebs says:

    This is amazing. You’re amazing. Great list of films, here.

  4. kerbey says:

    Truthiness in typecasting: “Eva Mendes and Rashida Jones also star as racially vague but somewhat shrewish love interests!” That way, even racists can allow themselves to be attracted to them.

  5. Wow. These are sadly viable Hollywood projects. My soul hurts.

  6. Chas Spain says:

    When oh when can Liam be in a library musical with interjections of senseless, manly violence? It would exceed my wildest dreams. You should so go to Hollywood and sell that.

  7. Ned's Blog says:

    I would like to put you on retainer to write the DVD jacket for the movie I’ll never make. I can pay in felafel. Because I give a shirt.

  8. benzeknees says:

    I had trouble deciding if you were doing movie reviews or making the whole thing up! Cleverly done!

  9. ksbeth says:

    i believe i will be staying for a marathon viewing of all of these and hopefully ‘x-men: return of the wayward advertising husbands ‘ will be playing as well.

  10. jillscene says:

    Mr Ross Murray, What have you been viewing?? The movies you mention do not appear on iTunes. Perhaps they are on NetFix? But here, at the bottom of the world, this is only available via VPN. I’d commit to the tunnelling required for Liam Neeson singing “Dewey Decimal Die” or “Kindle This”.

  11. I had to Google “Havarti.” It’s way funnier when you know what it is. This post should be FP’d for Gaseous Clay and Flatus Pancakes alone. Where do you GET this stuff from? Who keeps financing Katherine Heigl movies? And Kate Hudson, too? One bomb after another. You joke but don’t be surprised if you see one or all of these scenarios at the spring up-fronts next year.

  12. Elyse says:

    Glad to see I will have plenty to do this summer. I think I may see one of these nightly until September. Or not.

  13. Paul says:

    You don’t menion who plays the dead squirrel in Burnt Rubber 3D. Is it by any chance a lay-on (as opposed to walk-on) part by Skippy? I know Ned has him touring the US – has he perhaps made it to Canada or is this movie non-Canadian? (Beware the CRTC when it hits the TV)

  14. Trent Lewin says:

    I’m going to give you two hundred million props for that Wilco reference.

  15. List of X says:

    I have to admit that I’m partial to lyrics by Havarti. They are rich, delicate, easy to swallow, and only a little bit cheesy.
    Oh, and I noticed that you started to follow that Drinking Tips for Teens blog. Excellent choice, Ross.

  16. Nic says:

    Wait. I need to actually have these movies made… especially the Katherine Heigl one. Or at the very least, “Sausage Talk” needs to be a real thing.

  17. cat9984 says:

    You aren’t releasing them all at the same time are you? It would create a scheduling dilemma trying to decide which one to see first.

  18. Question: does anybody know what Benedict Cumberbatch, the guy who played Aragorn, and/or Neeson’s natural hair color is? I’m confused. :-P
    I almost don’t want to watch the Hobbit now, no matter how good it is… *groans* I have a feeling it will ruin my childhood. And the book is torn so bad it’s no longer a child’s book. *sobs quietly in the corner and wanders off to watch BBC Merlin*

Go ahead, don't be shy.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s