Stanstead border goes to pot

The Haskell Free Library and Opera House famously sits on the Canada-U.S. border — the entrance in Derby Line, Vermont, the books and circulation desk in Stanstead, Quebec. Patrons from Canada are permitted to cross the border on foot to enter the library, do the book-learnin’ stuff they do in there, and re-enter Canada.

It works. In fact, the Haskell has existed unchanged for generations, stony but warm, offending no one, beloved by all, a veritable Casey Kasem of cultural institutions.

In recent years, however, officials who worry about things to worry about began to worry that Church Street, which connects Stanstead and Derby Line beside the library, had become a virtual conduit for illegal cross-border activity. Why, just last week 14 Romanians entered Canada illegally at Stanstead. Imagine! Romanians! With their dangerous Romanian dining habits and their Romanian reputations for texting-and-driving. What next? Mongols? Tartars? Biebers?

Of course, there’s no evidence that the Romanians entered Canada at Church Street BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT! (That’s how you have to talk to Romanians, by the way; a frustratingly hearing-impaired people.) The point is that our streets are sieves! In fact, I’m proposing that be our new town motto: “Welcome to Stanstead! Our Streets are Sieves!” In French? “Bienvenue aux rues des trous!”

The American response to the situation was as follows: U.S. Border Patrol assigns one, sometimes two vehicles to sit on the American side of the border virtually 24 hours a day. Sure they scare away the odd book lover, but the type that scares that easily is probably the type who wanted to borrow Fifty Shades of Grey, and the waiting list for that is already way too long, and honestly, Border Patrol is probably doing you a favour.

The Border Patrol guys have big trucks. They have guns. They have no teeth. Actually, I don’t know that for sure, but they never smile when I wave at them, so I have my suspicions. In short, criminals, smugglers and dazed tourists ought to think twice about crossing the border into the U.S.

What have the Canadian officials done to deter would-be illegals?

Stop, or we’ll pollinate!

They’ve installed flower pots.

The RCMP plan to weed out illegals with plants.

Foil them with foliage.

Stymie them with stamens.

Impede them with petunias.

Curtail them with chrysanthemums.

Any illegals with allergies better not come near our border, buster!

I’m just thankful that cooler heads prevailed and they cancelled the proposed cotton-candy barricade.

So this is Canada’s response: tough on crime, easy on the eyes.

I do hope, though, they’ve weighed all the risks in implanting plants along the border (border plants?). Flowers, after all, are notorious for attracting dangerous stinging bees. And Romanians.

Update: Since writing this, it has become clear that the wave of aspiring refugees flooding over the border are not Romanians but Roma people. And, no, the pots aren’t stopping them.

Update II: Thoughts on the (meager) cost of illegal immigration: Lives measured on the beer scale.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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9 Responses to Stanstead border goes to pot

  1. Nic says:

    They are onto something here. I think I’m going to cancel my safety deposit box and simply barricade my valuables with flower pots (alternating colors, of course). Thanks for the savings tip, Canada!

  2. Romanian says:

    Us Romanians we differentiate between real Romanians and the people you saw. Yes they were coming from Romania but they are actually gypsies, people with a different culture. We don’t like them because they are more inclined to steal, begg on the street or to live in an unclean environment. However they were never really opressed in Romania. The comunist regime put them in condos and they made the fire in the middle of the floor.

  3. Romanian says:

    By the way I’m not hearing impaired and I don’t know any Romanian that is.

  4. Bill says:

    By the way, there is a flower called “Canadian Border Patrol”. Really. You can’t make this stuff up!

    Also, Casey Kasem is not universally loved. Here’s an example of what he’s like at work:

  5. Pingback: Bordergate! The hole truth!* | Drinking Tips for Teens

  6. Pingback: A case of refugee envy | Drinking Tips for Teens

  7. Pingback: Border Story Story | Drinking Tips for Teens

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