Let he who is without syringe throw the first stone

Do I like this picture of Lance and Lyle? Lovett!

I like Lance Armstrong, I really do. I thought he was quite good in that movie Dodgeball. Plus, every time I see him, I can’t help thinking that he’s the handsomer little brother of fellow Texan Lyle Lovett, and that’s just good fun. (“I dated Sheryl Crow.” “Bro, I was married to Julia Roberts!”)

So I feel a little bit bad for him losing all his Tour de France titles and being banned from cycling for life. After all, it’s just cycling. It’s not like it’s a real sport, certainly not one most people care about (and by “most people” I mean North Americans, who are the only people who matter). The sole place where cycling is important is France, and even then they’re all “Oui, François, ils arrivent, les vélos d’ennui. Passe-moi l’absinthe.”

I’ve cycled. Really, I have. Once I biked all the way to the Levi’s factory outlet; called it the Tour de Pants. Cycling’s not that hard. That’s why they say something is “as easy as riding a bicycle.” Or maybe it’s “easy as falling off a bicycle.” Then again, it might be “easy as stealing a bicycle.”

Regardless, bicycles are simple and harmless – unless you have to ride one any great distance. In that case, if you’re not injecting steroids directly into your tushie on a daily basis, you’re just plain crazy, or as they say in Texas, “barkin’ like a coon dog at a Dixie Chicks home birth.”

But doping in sport is considered unacceptable because it sends a message to the kids that it’s okay to cheat. Nope. It’s not okay to cheat. It’s okay for a hockey player to make like bongos with his opponent’s brains against the boards, and it’s okay to pay athletes millions to put small things into slightly bigger things, but clandestine blood transfusions in hotel rooms are just not on.

The Lance Armstrong scandal is just the latest doping revelation to rock the sporting world, which does beg the question whether there are any athletes left who aren’t using some sort of performance enhancement. And should we be limiting our scrutiny to the world of sport? Maybe we should all be coming clean about our dirty tricks.

I’ll confess right here that I have been known in the past to occasionally indulge in chemical enhancement prior to writing this very blog. There have been times when I have crafted these texts after a glass or two or seven of Cabernet Sauvignon. I have, it must be told, sometimes relied on the warmth of the grape to extract pithy conclusions from well-reasoned arguments, despite admonitions to never drink and derive.

I do not believe, however, that I was “doping” per se. Dopey? Yes. Loose with punctuation? Perhaps. A little too reliant on Spellcheck? Maybe. But I do not feel my performance was enhanced. Nor do I feel the occasional beer with byline affected the content of my blog, with the possible exception of the one entitled, “I Love You Guysh No Sherioushly I Do!!!”

I would also like to reveal that I have sometimes artificially augmented my energy levels prior to writing this blog by taking long, luxurious baths in a cocktail of three parts distilled water, one part Epsom salts and two parts mocha latte. Rumours that I simultaneously snorted chocolate sprinkles are completely unfounded.

Finally, on one occasion, I did boost my performance by taking a break from my writing and dancing feverishly Gangnam Style. Just now, in fact.

I understand that I may have let down some of my readers with these revelations and possibly ruined their appetites as they picture me in bathtubs and dancing in front of my cats. I want to apologize to them and stress to any young writers out there that I do not endorse the use of chemicals to write a blog like this. I do, however, endorse them for reading it.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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16 Responses to Let he who is without syringe throw the first stone

  1. javaj240 says:

    This was just laugh out loud funny. The perfect stress-reliever for my very unbalanced morning. Admittedly the four cups of coffee probably added to the anxiety (created by my daughter; perpetuated by my husband and various and sundry other ancillary players), but, even through the caffeine-induced delirium, I was able to read and to absorb this post. And I laughed. And I thank you.

    My french is a little rusty (as I have not had occasion to use it since the, now legendary, “Les Trois Mousquetaires” translation that I was forced to participate in, and that I paid for, during my less than stellar time as a Conversational French IV pupil)— and it was never that great to begin with (see previous parenthetical comment)—“les vélos d’ennui”, does that mean “the bored cyclists”?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      That is one caffeinated comment! Roughly translated, it would be “The bicycles of weariness, they arrive. Pass the absinthe.” Glad I helped get your day off to a good, multilingual start.

      • javaj240 says:

        You were warned. Thanks for the translation. I got the “arrive part” and the “Pass the absinthe.”… it was the “velos d’ennui” that had me scratching my head. I love it. The bicycles of weariness. I may have to work that into a conversation today. I’m still drinking coffee, so it could happen.

  2. javaj240 says:

    Now that’s just ridiculous. But, just in case, how would I say that in French? Le cyclomoteur de desespoir? LMAO!!!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I’m not sure about in France, but here in Quebec it would be something like, “Les mopeds de chalice, tabernac!” (A bunch of quebecois swear words… you kind of have to be here…)

      • javaj240 says:

        I’m kind of glad I’m not. I can barely manage English (on a good day)!

      • peachyteachy says:

        The mopeds of the goblet have stormed the tabernacle? Alert the press! My question is, how long have you been crafting that “Tour de Pants” thing?

        • rossmurray1 says:

          A quick lesson in Quebec cussing: whereas the English are hung up on body functions and sex, hence their profanity, Quebecers are hung up on the Catholic Church, which essentially ran the joint from its founding as a colony up to the Quiet Revolution of the sixties. Another favorite is “hostie” after the host/wafer. Yup.

          As for Tour de Pants, it just came to me. George just lucky, I guess.

  3. breezyk says:

    I don’t believe you on the chocolate sprinkles part.
    Other than that.. did I like this post? (You know where I’m going with this…)

  4. peachyteachy says:

    And another thing: what about the countless individuals who have taken performance enhancifiers, yet whose performance has remained lackluster? Have they committed a lesser crime? They might be relieved to be barred from a sport that they have been playing poorly since high school, but have never had the fortitude to just say “Screw it.” In French, presumably.

  5. peachyteachy says:

    My grammar in the “Screw it” sentence sucks. I forgot to take my grammar enhancers today. Screw it.

  6. Ziggy Smallz says:

    Cycling is the French equivalent of curling.

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