Yes we Vatican!

Dear Pope pickers / pontiff people / pontificators:

I won’t beat around the burning bush; I would like to be the next Pope.

I know what you’re thinking: “Who are you? How did you get this address? And are you really as stunningly handsome as the enclosed 8.5×11 glossy makes you out to be?” Working backwards: yes; Vatican 411; and just a white, middle-aged, North American family man – someone who is fully committed to putting the “ability” back in “infallibility.”

Since Pope Benedict announced his resignation Monday, observers have been saying that the Vatican could use a change. Who are we kidding? The Catholic Church could use more change than the collection plate at St. Peter’s on Christmas Eve.

And yet any radical change must be simultaneously tempered by a down-to-earth sensibility and a management style that would come with, say, years of getting children to and from soccer practice and negotiating the eating of steamed broccoli – someone who can be, if you will, pious in a Prius.

If that’s what the Catholic Church is looking for, then I’m your man. I’m your Vatican-do guy!

I will confess (good one!) that I am not Roman Catholic, so no need to send round your sinister secret order of priests to uncover my past – don’t break a sweat trying to unravel Da Wimpy Code here. I’m just a regular ol’ Protestant. But what I lack in catechism I more than make up for in enthusiasm, not to mention people skills and looking good in robes. I may never have had first communion but in high school I did play first clarinet, which might come in handy for hymn sings.

Plus, I think it’s good to bring an “outsider” to the job, add some fresh perspective to holy matters. For instance (and just throwing this out there, off the top of my head), have you considered flavouring the host? You know: “The Body of Christ, now in Zesty Jalapeno!” Might bring the kids back to church. I’ve got tons of these ideas. Remind me to tell you about my idea for a new Catholic reality show: “Are You Holier Than a Crusader?”

Besides, anyone will tell you that I’m a quick study. I’m confident I can pick up on 2000 years of complex religious tradition and orthodoxy in no time. The Wikipedia entry for “Catholic Church” is only 8500 words, which is, like, 100 words shorter than the entry for “Star Wars,” so piece of cake.

Holier Van Thou.

Holier Van Thou.

Even though I’m not Catholic and not much of a church-goer, to be honest, I still consider myself to be a highly spiritual person. I mean, you should see my Van Morrison collection. I’ve also got a bumper sticker on my car that reads, “Honk If You’re Holy.” And one night at college, Jesus came to me in a vision. That same night I also had a vision of Patti Labelle flying through the room astride a giant can of Lysol, so that may have been something else besides enlightenment.

In the last few weeks, I have narrowly avoided four car accidents because I didn’t see cars in my blind spot. I really think God is telling me that He has something big planned for me. Or maybe He’s telling me to make an eye appointment, but I don’t think so!

I do know a little Latin: “Tempus fugit, in a gadda de vida, tu madre es loca,” and with my background in communications, I’d be able to tailor my homilies to specific congregations. For example, if I were speaking to the Association of Roman Catholic Crafters, my mass might be entitled “What Would Jesus Glue?” You get the idea.

As for where I stand on all those Catholic hot-button issues that seem so much more important than the actual spiritual health of the flock, none of that really matters because in this modern era, even the devout are going to adhere to their individual beliefs. Again, I’m the perfect man for the job: a middle-aged, middle-class, white man – I’m used to having waning influence.

Finally, you won’t have to worry about me quitting this job in eight years. A job that involves travel, being adored, sitting around tweeting deep thoughts, fancy digs, cool hats – I want that job for life! I am the pontiff no return.

Looking forward to the white smoke. Pax Nabisco.


Pope-a Gangnam style

Pope-a Gangnam style


About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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29 Responses to Yes we Vatican!

  1. You have my vote. I think you should add opening a deli to that list… hot pastrami on the body of christ – in zesty jalapeno! (I think that might send me straight to hell; do not pass purgatory; do not collect indulgences).

    I would like to suggest no Gangnam style; it puts me off~

    P.S. You could have a special channel

  2. El Guapo says:

    I think there should be a reality show to pick the next pope.

    Do you know the story behind the words “In A Gada De Vida”?

  3. MissFourEyes says:

    You have my vote for the last picture alone

  4. javaj240 says:

    You do look fabulous in that hat. I’m sure the College of Cardinals will take that into consideration.

  5. Yes you Vatican! You’ve got my vote.

  6. First I find out you love the Fabulous Poodles and now you make me laugh hysterically, is it too much to say, I love you? “The Body of Christ in Zesty Jalapeño!” LOL!!!
    I’m so glad I found you, especially if you become the next pope – I feel like I got this great comment in under the wire. I’m pretty sure you’ll give me VIP passes for all upcoming Vatican events, right?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Step to the head of the Papal Conga Line.

      Thanks for the compliments. My swollen head is stuck in this pointy hat now. And I love everybody today too! Jesus would be so proud.

  7. I always did wonder why the hosts were so nasty tasting and gluey. I never did like having Jesus stuck to the roof of my mouth. Now, Zesty Jalapeno or Cheetos-flavored hosts, that’s something that would almost make me go back to church. And I’m digging the Gangnam style.

  8. The Hook says:

    You’ve got my vote!

  9. Lily says:

    Wow you defs seem like a good religious leader. I like your use of Latin too. I took that dead language for 5 years and the only thing I remember is “Semper ubi sub ubi” which roughly translates to “Always where under where.” You can use that for the congregation if you want. Or on TV.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I opted to take typing in high school instead of Latin. Score! But with your example, I’m having second thoughts. That’s gold, Jerry, gold! And now, I’m off to carpe diem — or seize the fish.

  10. Amanda Fox says:

    OMG Ross. You are killing me. Love the pic! And I vote for you as Pope. If Jesus came into your room in college, then it only makes sense, although my daughter saw Jesus in her fries once at McDonald’s. But she’s a girl. I don’t think that would fly. Shared!

  11. peachyteachy says:

    Thank goodness I found this today because the sheer biblical magnitude of my week blocked it from my view the first time around. I would vote, if the Catholic church had any interest in my opinion. Alas, I do not even know how to genuflect. Zesty Jalapeno host is divine inspiration, though–this I know.

  12. You have this agnostic’s vote!

Go ahead, don't be shy.

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