Details are emerging regarding the dramatic jailbreak in St-Jerome, Quebec this past Sunday that saw two inmates escape by clinging to ropes dangling from a stolen helicopter.
Authorities now report that the prisoners had made several previous escape attempts that day, only to be thwarted each time by one of the newly hired rabbit prison guards, the result of federal government budget cuts and the province’s Hare-Firmative Action Program.
According to unnamed sources, the prisoners – one tall, skinny and about as smart as a box of porcelain biscuits, the other as short in temper and as he is in stature – originally attempted to tunnel out of the prison by digging through their cell floor using spoons from the dining hall.
The conniving convicts were diverted from their escape route, however, by the cottontailed correctional officer who erected an arrow-shaped sign mid-tunnel reading “Escape this way!” Consequently, the burrowing bad guys resurfaced in the middle of the prison’s dog pound, where they received a horrible mauling and hashtag-like lacerations.
The two were immediately returned to their cell, surprisingly with no further disciplinary action or increased supervision. Corrections Canada, though, is expected to review whether corners were cut in the construction of the prison that resulted in floors that can be easily breached using common eating utensils.
The prisoners made a second stab at absconding by strapping mattress springs to their feet and attempting to bounce over the prison walls. Witnesses say the high-flying jailbirds had almost managed to surmount the barbed wire when the law-abiding bunny appeared at one of the parapets and passed each of the prisoners an Acme blacksmith anvil.
St. Jerome is, of course, home of the annual Anvil Follies, famous for their novelty slapstick products and humorous “I Got Hammered at the Anvil Follies” T-shirts.
As for the anvil-wielding pair, they quickly saw the gravity of their situation and plummeted to the ground, landing again in the dog pound. While no dogs were injured in the botched burlesque breakout, one reporter was soundly spanked for preposterous punning and appalling alliteration.
A third attempt by the raucous recidivists to simply bust through the main gates using a crude battering ram was hindered when the lawful leporidae managed to distract the wascally wunaways by putting on lipstick and dressing up à la Rita Hayworth in a bunny-booty-enhancing bikini. After giving the boys a big wet kiss, the rabbit of record slipped sticks of dynamite down the backside of their prisoner uniforms. Prisoners’ rights advocates have since decried the severity of this action and are calling for the return of the federal government’s Big Boom Registry.
The prisoners did eventually escape the prison confines when a helicopter dangling ropes from its skids landed on the roof of one of the prison buildings, airlifting the clinging criminals beyond the walls. Fellow inmates say the helicopter was piloted by a duck that appeared to be suffering from a combination of Tourette’s and ADHD.
Upon landing, the prisoners and their accomplice sped off in a stolen vehicle but mistakenly turned right, even though they knew they should have taken a left turn at Ange-Gardien. As a result, the escapees stumbled into the path of meddling kids and their talking dog who apprehended the suspects, even though at first the gang thought the fugitives were mindless, mean-spirited zombies. This was not the case; they were merely Parti Québécois members.
This past Monday, the prisoners appeared in court where they attempted once more to escape justice by extracting bazookas from hitherto nonexistent pockets. However, the presiding judge stymied the pair by squashing them flat as pancakes with his oversize gavel, proceeding to pull a zipper at his head to reveal that he was, indeed, the long ear of the law.
The prisoners are now in custody where they will await trial by breaking rocks with sledgehammers, which is just asking for trouble, if you ask me. They might as well give them sharp metal spikes for making holes – that’s awl, folks.