If we can just leave penis out of this conversation, that would be helpful. Nothing good ever comes when we introduce penis. I think we can all agree that the global ban on penis can’t come soon enough.
I want to talk about good-looking men, and removing the penis factor will make this a lot less uncomfortable for all concerned, and by “all” I mean “me.” Agreed?
It’s because of the penis factor that men have such a hard time conceding, let alone even talking about, the fact that some men are really good looking. Women don’t seem to let their vaginas get in the way of this kind of conversation. They say, “Omigod, I could set up camp in those breasts!” Men are cool with this. In fact, we encourage our women to talk like this because it’s kind of hot and we’re pigs.
But you will never hear a heterosexual man say out loud, “Dude, that Ryan Gosling is a sweet piece of ass.” First of all: gross. Second of all: Ryan Gosling? I don’t get it. More like Ryan GROSSling!
In fact, I don’t get most so-called “hot” dudes. Gerard Butler? He always looks like he’s just come from dental surgery. Channing Tatum? A giant pork roast. Bradley Cooper? Human hair product. My wife has had such an abiding but inexplicable thing for Aiden Quinn that it counts as a long-term relationship. I took great delight in seeing Quinn in Unknown and proclaiming to my wife, “HA! Aiden Quinn is old!” Sadly, that means I am too.
There are some men, however, that I will concede are pretty darn easy on the eyes. Ryan Reynolds , George Clooney, Denzel Washington — from a purely objective, entirely empirical, not-at-all-gay way, these men are doing a good job in the looks department.
(How are we all doing so far? Everyone okay? Aren’t we all glad I haven’t muddled the hetero male vibe here by mentioning Brad Pitt’s penis? Darn right we are.)
But here’s where things get tricky:
It’s one thing to concede lucky genes. It’s quite another thing for a straight man to admit, “I’m just a little bit turned on by that dude.” Unless you’re Louis CK. (Headphones up! Thanks to Moses at Maximum Wage for the link and the inspiration.)
Yes, they are confusing feelings, yes, they go against everything you stand for as a straight man, even if, again, we leave the penis entirely out of it, thank you. But I’m willing to bet, my fellow male, that you have thought to yourself, even if only once, “Hypothetically — hypothetically, you understand ! — if I were a woman (and not a gay man, let’s just make that clear), this is a man I could spend some time with — in a completely non-sexual way! Without penis!”
Obviously I’ve thought about this, and I’ve already fessed up about some good looking dudes. As a rule that’s as far as I go, which, come on, is already pretty far. (I think I’m sweating. Am I sweating?) But when I look deep in my soul, I have to admit that I have one wee man crush. That is, I have a small — tiny, actually — warm feeling for…
I can’t explain it; the heart wants what the heart wants.
I feel no shame. Just kind of tingly.
So, gentleman readers, who is your sexy man crush? Don’t worry; this is a safe place. Ladies, ask your fellas. It’s for science!
Seriously, don’t leave me hanging.
AHH! HANGING! Penis!!! Quick, let’s get to the comments.