Talking about hot dudes — awkwardly

If we can just leave penis out of this conversation, that would be helpful. Nothing good ever comes when we introduce penis. I think we can all agree that the global ban on penis can’t come soon enough.

I want to talk about good-looking men, and removing the penis factor will make this a lot less uncomfortable for all concerned, and by “all” I mean “me.” Agreed?

It’s because of the penis factor that men have such a hard time conceding, let alone even talking about, the fact that some men are really good looking. Women don’t seem to let their vaginas get in the way of this kind of conversation. They say, “Omigod, I could set up camp in those breasts!” Men are cool with this. In fact, we encourage our women to talk like this because it’s kind of hot and we’re pigs.

But you will never hear a heterosexual man say out loud, “Dude, that Ryan Gosling is a sweet piece of ass.” First of all: gross. Second of all: Ryan Gosling? I don’t get it. More like Ryan GROSSling!

Ha ha. "Ryan GROSSling"...

Ha ha. “Ryan GROSSling”… Right?

In fact, I don’t get most so-called “hot” dudes. Gerard Butler? He always looks like he’s just come from dental surgery. Channing Tatum? A giant pork roast. Bradley Cooper? Human hair product. My wife has had such an abiding but inexplicable thing for Aiden Quinn that it counts as a long-term relationship. I took great delight in seeing Quinn in Unknown and proclaiming to my wife, “HA! Aiden Quinn is old!” Sadly, that means I am too.

Not so young and pretty now, Aiden Quinn!

Who’s not so young and pretty now, Aiden Quinn? Both of us!

There are some men, however, that I will concede are pretty darn easy on the eyes. Ryan Reynolds , George Clooney, Denzel Washington — from a purely objective, entirely empirical, not-at-all-gay way, these men are doing a good job in the looks department.

(How are we all doing so far? Everyone okay? Aren’t we all glad I haven’t muddled the hetero male vibe here by mentioning Brad Pitt’s penis? Darn right we are.)

But here’s where things get tricky:

It’s one thing to concede lucky genes. It’s quite another thing for a straight man to admit, “I’m just a little bit turned on by that dude.” Unless you’re Louis CK. (Headphones up! Thanks to Moses at Maximum Wage for the link and the inspiration.)

Yes, they are confusing feelings, yes, they go against everything you stand for as a straight man, even if, again, we leave the penis entirely out of it, thank you. But I’m willing to bet, my fellow male, that you have thought to yourself, even if only once, “Hypothetically — hypothetically, you understand ! — if I were a woman (and not a gay man, let’s just make that clear), this is a man I could spend some time with — in a completely non-sexual way! Without penis!”

Obviously I’ve thought about this, and I’ve already fessed up about some good looking dudes. As a rule that’s as far as I go, which, come on, is already pretty far. (I think I’m sweating. Am I sweating?) But when I look deep in my soul, I have to admit that I have one wee man crush. That is, I have a small — tiny, actually — warm feeling for…

[deep breath]

Paul Rudd.

tumblr_lwubuxwdLd1qmwcn2

I can’t explain it; the heart wants what the heart wants.

I feel no shame. Just kind of tingly.

So, gentleman readers, who is your sexy man crush? Don’t worry; this is a safe place. Ladies, ask your fellas. It’s for science!

Seriously, don’t leave me hanging.

AHH! HANGING! Penis!!! Quick, let’s get to the comments.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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51 Responses to Talking about hot dudes — awkwardly

  1. Le Clown says:

    Ross,
    Peen.
    Le Clown

  2. Shame on you! Ryan Gosling is God’s gift to man. And woman. Especially woman.

  3. julesagray says:

    personally, I will always love Ernest Borgnine. And Red Buttons. Big love.

  4. This made me laugh, but awkwardly. Now I’m having etymological arguments with myself about why the plural of penises isn’t penii. It would be much funnier that way. English can be so disappointing sometimes.

  5. Dearest Rosemary,
    I think you need a whole circus of therapists – because George Clooney is not hot. Benedict Cumberbatch? HOT. David Bowie? SUPER HOT. Johnny Depp? FREAKIN’ CRAZY HOT.

    Please use “Gentleman’s Sausage” instead of “penis” or “peen”….

    Thank you,
    Rutabaga –

  6. javaj240 says:

    Anyone who says George, Denzel, or Ryan Reynolds are NOT hot are in need of glasses! (Anyone remember “Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place”? Terrible show — but it featured Ryan Reynolds. I saw every episode!) That being said, I also don’t get what the big “whoop” is about Ryan Gosling. He’s cute. He’s not sexy. There’s a difference.

    Moving on… I love Paul Rudd and have since “Clueless”. In the same vein, I kind of used to have a bit of a thing for Ben Stiller. And Steve Martin? He makes my toes curl. Once in a while Jon Stewart turns me on, too. Clearly, I like my men to have a sense of humor. When they don’t, I like them to look like Johnny Depp (yeah, he can be scuzzy, but so can I!) or Leonardo DiCaprio. For laugh out loud funny, smart, AND handsome? Craig Ferguson. Hands down. He’s my guy. He also gets bonus points for the Scottish burr. Big bonus points. He’s also the only one of my celebrity crushes that annoys my husband. Maybe it’s because he’s in our bedroom most weeknights at 12:37.

    You didn’t mention rock stars, which is surprising because most men will admit to a little “man crush” on a rock star. I am pretty sure my husband has a thing for John Anderson of “Yes”. Of course, he kind of looks like a woman, so I don’t know if that counts.

    As you know, I have been crushing on Jackson Browne since the ’70s. But, I will admit to having feelings for Dave Grohl, Eddie Vedder, and Adam Levine. I wouldn’t throw Graham Nash out of bed for eating potato chips, either. And Elvis Costello.

    I also think my husband might have a little “thing” for Keith Hernandez. So do I, which makes it all the more strange.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I was despairing that this (much-appreciated and thoughtful and Craig Ferguson [?]) comment would not contribute to my scientific pursuit. But Keith Hernandez? That’s a juicy factoid!

  7. Ryan Reynolds? Were I a woman, that’s how we’re doing this, right? So it’s still heterosexual? Were I a woman, I’d let a younger Wayne Gretzky fondle my tits. Such a handsome gentleman in a barbaric sport! He had such good hands…I can only imagine how soft and warm they…er, anyway, yeah, him.

  8. Katie says:

    Paul Rudd, huh?
    My boyfriend routinely points out guys he thinks are hot in a totally non-gay way. I think we’re at a point in our culture where it’s okay to say you have same-sex crush without fantasizing about making out with them. My boyfriend has a thing for Jeremy Renner–I don’t see it.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      While my generation is still coming to grips with all the man-hugging, your comment about the contemporary acceptability of same-sex crushes fills me with great hope.
      Jeremy Renner is the new Gary Sinise.

  9. breezyk says:

    So Paul Rudd is your hetero-man crush eh.. Since I’m a lady, answering this question isn’t really your point but I will anyway… I like Gosling (sorry), and Seth Meyers from SNL.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      So clearly you like dudes who have weird eye things going on. Not judging! Safe place!
      As for the question, I send you out into the wilds of the male to seek data on this very question. God speed!

  10. byebyebeer says:

    I recall my husband and I both kind of have a thing for Daniel Craig, but this was either discussed briefly and long ago after I went on too long about Mr. Craig, or else he never said it and I just dreamed it. I think there’s something hot about a man finding another man hot, but only so long as he’s only interested in women. I know, I have no idea either.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Daniel Craig always looks like he needs a few more hours’ sleep, but I get you.
      I think your hotness factor is based on your finding desirability in a man’s openness and therefore confidence in himself. #DrFreud

  11. List of X says:

    Evan McGregor. I know, I know, I haven’t updated my man crush list in years….

  12. The Waiting says:

    I don’t get the Ryan Gosling appeal, either. I actually think Conan OBrian is sexy.

    Did you hear that? That was the sound of all my credibility as a woman blowing away.

  13. Ned's Blog says:

    I’ve admitted, in a completely non-gay way, that if I was a woman, I would find George Clooney sexy. I also told her that, when I’m his age, I hope I look as good. Wait, I AM his age ….. crap…

  14. Kathryn says:

    The boys in my family (51 and 17) would change sides for David Lee Roth. I’ll just let that sink in! 😉

  15. Lisa Neumann says:

    Is there no ledge you won’t leap from? This whole post in out of control. wow!
    okay … I’m off the floor now. (I need to change my panties.)
    a day without Ross = a day without sunshine

    delete this comment I don’t want any of my virtuous followers to read this …. 🙂

  16. Justina says:

    I suspect the uncomfortableness stems ‘n part of not wanting to be seen as homosexual. Though I don’t understand what’s wrong with being seen as homosexual. It’s seen as somehow “less masculine’ perhaps to admit that another male could be good looking to a guy who identifies as straight.

    Women don’t have that problem – firstly we feel freer to compare appearances without any sexual intent. Second, bisexuality is more acceptable for women, it’s more ok to be a 99% straight, 1% gay as a woman. But for men, even 1% expressed attraction to another man is “omg he’s 1% homo and might hit on me?!”

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