Oh, shut up already!

Tomorrow is my book launch in Quebec City and I’m sitting here second-guessing which selections I’m going to read. This is because the Voice of Doom is telling me they all stink.

“Maybe ‘stink’ isn’t the right word,” says the VOD. “I think ‘suck’ is a more accurate word.”

Of course they don’t suck, Voice of Doom, so can it.

“How about this then: no one wants to hear you talk and talk and talk for 40 minutes,” sneers the VOD.

Oh that. Yeah, well that’s probably true.

I’ve done readings before. I’m a good reader. I’m animated. I don’t drone. I may, however, make weird facial expressions. (“Let’s go to the tape, Jim.”) But, good lord, sometimes I do get sick of hearing myself. And if I do, even with my gigantic ego and all, surely others must as well.

Talking doesn’t come naturally to me. I much prefer listening while grazing at the cheese and veggie tray, which is difficult to do when you’re prattling on. I have my priorities. So when I do talk at length, it feels… weird.

Hopefully, the blah-blah-blah will be interspersed with guffaws, chortles, chuckles and many other words listed in my thesaurus. But I’ve never read these pieces before in public. What if instead of the laugh there’s just the big thud of silence? Which is why I’m second-guessing. Because they suck.

Voice of Doom, get out of here!

After I get through this event tomorrow, I have the second launch at home Saturday. That one’s in front of friends and colleagues.

“Sucky-sucky-suck-suck!”

Speaking of droning, here’s my latest radio piece about how best to pretend to do those outdoor jobs, chores and yard work, which I have decided should be known collectively as “chorbwork.” You’re welcome, English language. Incidentally, the part about the bikini girls across the street doing my neighbour’s raking? All true.

P.S. It’s been a busy couple of weeks, which has kept me away from my WP reading. I’ll be back soon, kibitzing and nibbling the bocconcini. Fresh post later this week — and it’s about moms!

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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36 Responses to Oh, shut up already!

  1. I’m sure it will be great. Want me to curb stomp the Voice of Doom?

  2. denmother says:

    Good luck, Ross! If they don’t know how to chortle I’m certain they’ll be guffawing.

  3. If it gets to be too much, just imagine that all your audience members are Canadians. That works for me.

  4. El Guapo says:

    Have a great launch! And you should probably imagine the crowd naked, since it sounds like you’re already making your O face. 😀

  5. breezyk says:

    Good luck! Tell that voice of doom to skeet! (I tried to think of a pun but it’s way too early)

  6. Katie says:

    You’re going to be great!

  7. Nic says:

    That damn VOD is such a bitch! Side note, I WISH I could go these things.

  8. twindaddy says:

    Good luck! VOD is gonna get DEALT with!

  9. byebyebeer says:

    Aww, you’ll do great. One of my favorite things in this world is This American Life because I love hearing writers read their stuff. I’m not alone in this. You’ll knock em dead!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      A weird thing, eh? Writing is done alone, reading is generally done alone. To have someone read to you, though, is a different kind of intimacy. Hmmmm….

  10. Read Game Night Rules!!!! And good luck – and you don’t sucky-sucky-suck-suck…

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I like that one, but I find it’s too complicated to follow when read aloud. At this hour, I have McJungle Book, From Russia with Lunch (because it’s fun to do the accent), My First Flophouse and Musical Questions: Love Edition.

      • All good choices!

        I agree, it’s so awkward to read aloud at times – it’s a skill to be developed and I bet you have it honed.

        I have to admit, I hate hearing poetry read aloud (there – I said it … I DO NOT LIKE POETRY READ ALOUD)….except limericks – but you normally do hear that in a poetry slam…

  11. MissFourEyes says:

    Oh the number of ways I’ve plotted to murder that VOD. It still comes back.
    Good luck, you’ll be great!

  12. Good luck!
    I’ve heard that if you drink half bottle of gin VOD goes somewhere else.
    I don’t recommend you getting wasted but a shot could help.

  13. Letizia says:

    Your radio pieces are always great so I know you’ll kick butt in your readings!

  14. Ned's Blog says:

    Since I’m certain all of your selections are great, choosing one is a non-issue since there’s no risk involved. Secondly, when it comes to the actual reading aloud to a crowd of strangers part — again, a non-issue since everyone who loves your stuff must be strange to begin with. Lastly, Have a great time! If you get nervous, just pretend you are at home, raking your yard in a bikini…

  15. Pingback: Sign on the line | Drinking Tips for Teens

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