And so it came to pass that the mothers of the world, fed up with the strife, the misery, the dirty dishes left in the sink, rose up as one and said, “We got this.”
What precisely triggered the uprising, no one knows for sure. Some say it germinated in the intoxicating mix of empowerment, sweat and salsa at an Idaho Zumba class. Some suggest it sprang from the grief of mothers who had lost their children to the violence of religious intolerance. There are even those who swear it was a lone mother in New Jersey watching a particularly appalling episode of “Toddlers & Tiaras” who said to herself, “We can do better.”
Whatever the impetus, it gave birth to a movement of birth-givers, an insurrection of mothers – a momsurrection. Word spread quickly from mommy blog to mommy blog, those chroniclers of play dates and chafed nipples, who urged each other to use their powers for good instead of adorable.
Proving that they were far more tech-savvy than anyone had given them credit for, the mothers launched a series of social media campaigns and the now well-known “I Mom It” meme. Swelling with pride and in some cases lactation, they took to the streets, carrying placards that read, “Think running the world is tough? Try an episiotomy,” and “We’re not mad, just very disappointed.”
Fueled by unconditional love and yoga pants, mothers across the world were soon barging their way into boardrooms and government offices as only mothers of teenage boys with Internet access can barge.
Authorities were rendered powerless in the face of the mothers’ mastery of schedule juggling, curfew negotiating and booboo soothing. Any resistance was soundly suppressed by the swift matriarchal deployment of the evil eye.
It didn’t take long for the mothers to wrest control where they could and, where they could not, influence policy with the one-two punch of smothering affection and hurt silence.
Change began slowly, with sweeping dogmatic statements directed at specific nations:
“No one likes a bully, USA.”
“North Korea, don’t make me come over there.”
“You’re not one of the cool kids, Canada, so stop trying.”
“Israel, you know what it feels like to be picked on, so, honestly, you should know better.”
“Get in that tub this instant, France!”
“Iran, do you need a hug?”
A turning point was the day the moms waltzed uninvited into the UN General Assembly and called out, “Don’t mind us, pretend we’re not here, just checking to see how you’re doing for chips and dip. Everyone having a good time? How come no one’s dancing? You know what you should play? Twister!”
And Twister was played that day as it had never been geopolitically played before. Hands were extended across nations and feet were stretched across vinyl coloured circles. China later issued a statement declaring the moms “the coolest,” a statement it subsequently retracted, but still you could tell…
There were nations, of course, who refused to make peace, but the mothers took charge and put those nations in a time out.
Their reputation established, super moms and mama bears alike teamed up to put an end to economic crises, social unrest and general shenanigans. They came down hard on the easy access to firearms: “Have you lost your mind? Someone’s going to lose an eye!” They shamed corporate greed: “If you don’t share, we’re going to take away your toys and then it’ll be fun for no one.” And they decried violence against women as “plain not nice.”
Just as a mother surging with adrenaline can lift a car off a trapped child, so too did the mothers lift global debt by tapping into the heady rush of bargain hunting and coupons.
Through the shrewd distribution of Rice Krispie squares and the chastisement of grocers for throwing out perfectly good food, the moms reduced world hunger.
However, like a mother after a night dealing with four vomiting children, it wasn’t always pretty. For instance, the mothers weren’t shy about unleashing the occasional WMS – weapon of mass sarcasm. “What, are your legs broken?” they cried as one, shaming would-be commuters into limiting car emissions and thereby reducing global warming.
In the end, no one could resist the mothers’ common sense or their limitless capacity for snuggles, and the world enjoyed a quiet time like it had never known before. And when at last the world was at peace, the moms poured themselves a glass of chardonnay – right to the brim – and called it a day.