A man needs a maid.
Because of the love, that’s why. Because of the love and the books that I need to clear out of my Wonky Drawer of Stuff™ but mostly because of the love I have for you — yes YOU, dear readers — I am holding my first-ever (and probably last-ever) contest with not one but TWO books to give away! And that is IT for the all-caps words in this post, but I can’t guarantee I’ll rein in the over-exuberant exclamation marks!
The Wonky Drawer of Stuff™ is located in my bedroom. It’s wonky because, like skinny old me, it has no bottom. As a drawer, it’s really quite useless (the comparisons to me continue to amaze!). Instead, I use this space to stash items such as my many unsold books, the USB microphone I use to record my radio pieces, and an obsolete laptop port that I really ought to get rid of but hang onto because I have garbage guilt. This is also where I hide gifts for my wife along with the receipts so she can return them because I’m terrible at buying gifts for my wife.
The Wonky Drawer of Stuff™ is not to be confused with the Useless Drawer, which I wrote about over a year ago when I had just one reader named Frenchie. (Hey, Frenchie!) The Useless Drawer contains all the stuff you hang onto for reasons you can’t quite explain, like possibly exposed camera film or your abiding love for ‘N Sync. The Wonky Drawer of Stuff™, on the other hand, actually serves a function, though it is either consistently hard to access or requires multiple steps and/or violence to open.
So here’s the Contest Extrava-give-nza portion of this post. I have a copy of my latest collection, Don’t Everyone Jump at Once to give away, along with a copy of my 2010 collection You’re Not Going to Eat That, Are You? The reason I’m giving away the older book is because I’m frankly sick of looking at surplus copies mouldering away in the Wonky Drawer of Stuff™. But you’ll be honoured, I’m sure, to include it on your Wobbly Bookshelf of Books™!
All you have to do is tell me in the comments about your own Wonky Drawer of Stuff™ or Useless Drawer and what you keep there. I’ll randomly select two winners from the entries, so don’t worry, even if your comment sucks, you’re still in. That’s how desperate fair I am.
Contest ends when I feel like it.
YAY!!!! Now you.
Drinking Tips for Teens 
The most useless drawer I have are my underdrawers. The useless junk in there is so seldom touched that….do you see where this is going? I’ll stop now out of respect for you, my Canadian friend.
This may deserve a prize in its own right, or at very least an honorable unmentionable.
I have one of those drawers. The last time I opened it I was looking for a scarf. In the drawer are foreign coins from that time before children when I travelled a little; face cleansing pads which I don’t use; an old passport; a couple of pens that should really go where the rest of our pens are kept; a broken necklace that I may or may not get fixed; some balloons I hid on the kids; my watch box for the watch I lost; and probably some other stuff in the back that I don’t really want to know about. My scarf was not there. I also have a Wonky Box of Stuff that used to be in the drawer, I cleaned out the drawer and put everything in the box so that I could start filling the drawer again.
This so sounds like our house, except our little box is a little ceramic bowl with push pins interspersed just to keep you on your toes. Love this comment!
I have a junk drawer in my dresser that I’m scared to open. I vaguely remember putting a cat in there when we bought our house and I couldn’t get him into a cat carrier to transfer him there. Every once in a while, I miss him. But I have HBO, so it’s not that bad.
You crack me up. Good lord!
Right back at ya.
My Wonky Drawer of Stuff has my sympathy. In it is everything I can’t deal with at the moment and, guess what?, it’s a lot of stuff. Lets see, now I have it open…hmm there’s my camouflage socks, a 1/2 a Terry’s Chocolate Orange (oops), a draught of a romance novel I was writing when I unexpectedly killed almost everyone in a bar fight, a coconut shell doodad, I don’t know what it’s for, a boarding pass for St. Louis to Moline-never been either place-a bad book, a James Taylor cd I’ve been bloody well looking for and that I thought I’d returned to the library instead of the Screamin’ Jay Hawkins they say I returned empty, hmmmm I don’t know who’s bathing suit that is…I’d better stop. This will require two hands, maybe gloves and a mask and I most definitely need a drink.
I may have unleashed many a monster with this post. That is quite the inventory. I’m frankly impressed.
You win! A copy of “You’re Not Going to Eat That, Are You?” will be in the mail as soon as you send me your address. Email me at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.
My Wonky Drawer of Stuff contains pretty much whatever my toddler stuffs in there. I found a bottle full of grape juice in there yesterday. Note: last time I prepared grape juice for her was a month ago. Incidentally, there are also ants in the drawer.
Is that one of those occasions when you don’t even open the bottle, pour out the liquid, recycle but just… trash?
My wonky drawer is both uninteresting and ambitious – coupons, cameras, heart rate monitor, prescription swim goggles (after the incident of having an entire conversation with someone who I thought I knew at the pool. I didn’t.), flashlight…honestly, I think I just dozed off in the middle of this comment. I confess, I’m super organized and wonky drawers freak me out just a little.
No no, I like it. It’s like looking into someone’s medicine cabinet; you learn so much no matter what.
That would be a whole different contest. Next book, okay?
My Wonky Drawer of Stuff has a lot of things I actually forgot I had. A few lumps of coal from the Titanic (they were selling them several years ago), a bunch of stray push-pins and paper clips, multiple pencil shavings, plus a broken pencil sharpener, a packet of Equal (I don’t even use Equal), a teeny tiny pair of salt and pepper shakers that I swiped from hotel room service on some trip, a yo-yo, random photos (from my pre-digital camera days), a few cat toys, a box of crayons, random pens and pencils, and a multicolor pile of post-it notes.
Wait a sec, back up: Titanic coal? Really? Not just random coal but real Titanic coal? And is a drawer any way to treat Titanic coal? Does James Cameron know about this?
Actual Titanic coal! Certified by the folks working with Bob Ballard and everything! Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have it sitting in a drawer. James Cameron isn’t my favorite person so I don’t care so much about him, but I guess I wouldn’t want the ghosts of any Titanic passengers to come after me.
I love that these drawers have names. So great. Must forward this to my husband. I think every drawer in our house fits the description. I have a wonky drawer with things like valet keys to the car that we never use plus Xmas cards of relatives and old wedding invitations I’m afraid to throw away. Pins and needles that may or may not come in handy. And gift certicficates i havnt used yet. Useless drawer – rubber bands. Old batteries. Canadian coins. Safety pins. Oh my – now I’m thinking I need to put cleaning these on my to do list….
I should have labelled this post: “WARNING: OCD TRIGGER!”
You win! A copy of “Don’t Everyone Jump at Once” is on its way as soon as you send me your address (or a reasonable time lag thereafter). Email me at ross_murray@sympatico.ca.
how cool!! thanks! Will send you an email! And, for the record, I think I have developed a few more useless and wonky drawers in the past few weeks…they never stop!
Are you going to sign them? Because I have them unsigned. I want signed. Then I can gift my unsigned ones. I’m at work, so my Wonky Drawer of Stuff™ includes: a half bottle of cranberry juice that may or may not have been used to make Cape Cods at a late night skull session, two beer koozies with my company logo that I’ve been meaning to take home for 3 years, an expired notary stamp, DayQuil (I forgot that was there! Thanks!), a pet rock that my daughter made me that scares the crap out of me, hand lotion, neon Post-Its, a prescription that I never had filled and a sticker that says “Ski Naked. It adds color to your cheeks” that I have absolutely no idea where it came from.
Are there any opening where you work? Sounds like a hoot! Yes, of course I’ll sign them.
I already own my own mouldy (is that Canadian for moldy? Like the wacky way you people spell colour?) copy of your latest book, so I won’t be needing THAT! (So far, I’m thoroughly enjoying it!) I don’t, however, own the first one.
I always enjoy sharing any opportunity to dicuss with the world my penchant for Packrattedness (I would “TM” that if I could figure out how to go about such a thing)! So, allow me to unburden myself —- metaphorically speaking, of course —- I won’t be using this exercise to unburden myself of the contents of the drawer —- no matter how pleased my husband would be to come home and find it empty!
My own “Wonky Drawer of Stuff” resides in the kitchen. It contains several nozzly-looking things that, I assume, one uses to decorate baked goods or some such —- the drawer also contains the bags that are meant to hold the decorating medium — “icing” to the layperson. The problem is that it’s unclear how, exactly, one attaches the nozzly-looking things to the bag. I’ve never successfully used these items nor do I have the faintest idea how they came to be in my house, but I hold out hope that one day I’ll figure the whole enterprise out — enabling me to write something prosaic, such as, “Happy Birthday!”, on a giant cookie.
In keeping with what seems to be the “party-related” theme of the drawer, is the birthday candle that I’ve been using for about three years now. It’s getting dangerously low, but I think the old gal (it’s a pink, glittery candle) might have one or two more uses left in her.
There are also a pair of “magic” handcuffs and what, if memory serves, is a Chinese jump rope hidden beneath some take-out menus (at least one of these joints may still be in business) —- these items seem to be for a whole other kind of party, if you know what I mean? *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge* Why they’re in the kitchen is, quite frankly, none of your beeswax.
I am loving this exercise so much. Who needs psychotherapy when you have psycho…drawerapy?
Also, I think the nozzley things go inside the bag and poke out the end, which I’m guessing without even the benefit of a YouTube search.
I tried that method once —- because,of course, it makes complete sense that it SHOULD work this way — pushed out the nozzly-thing AND the icing! I fear I’m missing a step (or at least a part) —- youTube, you say? Now, there’s a thought!
Psychodrawerpy? Why the hell not? Probably just as effective as psychotherapy!
There is currently a spider in a Rubbermaid container in one of our wonky drawers. I trapped it to determine whether it’s a brown recluse. It has stayed alive a very, very long time.
Whaaaaaaaa? This is… Whaaaaaat…?
If I had to pick a winner, this would be it.
My wonky draw would have to be in the bathroom, picking up old habits from my grandmother keeping everything that has been accumulated over the past 5 years. There are weird foot patches for detoxing along with some heat rub both writing in Chinese so never really knew how to use them. Another container of cotton buds with ears candles too with my long hair I’ve never found the right time to use them and I prefer not to set myself on fire as the smell of burning hair is just awful. Old festival bracelets as they will be handy for nothing else sweaty, dirty and done there time. a broken comb, a pack of hair removal patches (which was a good idea at time of purchase) there is a sum of money in the form of coins, yucky tasting toothpaste, some trial sized perfumes, a crystal or two, mayan worry beans and a mini hair straightener. The funniest of things is that there is about 100 business cards that my husband has collected over time which are taken out of his pockets and put on the ledge just above the wonky draw so when I go through and clean they just end up in the place that everything else without a place ends up the wonky draw.
A place for everything without a place. Love this list.
Which Wonky Drawer to choose? I use the Wonky Drawer as a teaching tool in my classroom, to illustrate the words “miscellaneous” and “potpourri,” despite the fact that none of my Wonky Drawers contains potpourri, except in the strictly Jeopardy sense of the word.
Peachy’s Wonky Nightstand Drawer:
*Two ten-inch pennants from Taos, New Mexico. Because one never knows.
*A partially knitted, high-fashion scarf, on the needles. Will forward photo when it is finished and there is new technology in place for such photo-sharing.Because there will be, when it is finished.
*A Gertrude Hawk chocolate soldier–bought on clearance after Christmas, for emergencies.
*Seven varieties of Post-It products–because I am a teacher and need to sticky note ALL THINGS.
*Eight really nice pens that don’t work, and three types of refills that fit none of them. DAMMIT!
*A cassette of a talk I gave while wearing leopard print slippers. I was wearing other stuff, too, but I remember the leopard print slippers.
*An “Erotic Massage” VHS tape that was a lame Christmas present, and the most boring thing ever made with the word “erotic” in its title. Word to the wise: don’t get this for your wife.
*Manual for two cell phones ago.
*Manual for one digital camera ago.
*Lip balm, circa 1997.
Well, thanks, Ross, this has been very therapeutic. I have some purging to do now. Under the guise of getting rid of all of the VHS tapes in the house.
Oh man, the things I am learning today about you dear, dear people… This is an amazing collection.
Ooh, a contest to win the book I’ve been meaning to buy! Ok… The weirdest thing I keep in a drawer is a box full of my and my wife’s old cell phones. We had about 5 or 6, and we donated the ones that were still working to some charity, so now I’m keeping only the ones that don’t work. I occasionally find one of their chargers useful, but I have no idea why I’m keeping a bunch of cell phones that don’t work.
Because there might be incriminating photos on them and the government?
Most of these phones don’t even have a camera. The most incriminating thing about them is that I even owned such lame phones.
Pingback: Freshly squeezed at the border | Drinking Tips for Teens
Pingback: Freshly squeezed at the border | Drinking Tips for Teens
My Wonky Drawer of Stuff™ resides in the front bathroom (or the Jack the Ripper room since it’s painted Victorian Red) – it holds a variety of things that we sometimes use and mostly don’t…such as the chargers to everything we own or owned in the past. Despite the fact that the first cell phone brick we owned in 2002 is long gone, we’ve felt the need to hold on to the accessories just in case a 20 lb brick shaped phone comes into vogue again. Along with these items of (somewhat) necessity, it also holds various anti-bug lotions, stray mirrors and small babies (oh wait – did I just write that?) and ace bandages that we never use but seem to have an abundance of. I think there’s an old comb or two in there and some cotton balls from 2002 – do those really ever go bad? I think not. Sometimes I find instruction manuals for small electronics in there if I dig far enough towards the back of the drawer. My favorite item in the drawer is the box of alcohol wipes (individually packaged for my sanitary needs) that we had when Dorian was a wee baby. If you ever need an injection, come on over!
You get 10 points for using the word “wonky” – now send me a book.
The more I read these comments, the more I realize there’s a sort of Jungian consistency in our hoarding.
I’m pretty sure you’ve earned a book regardless of the random draw.
The old one! the old one! AUTOGRAPHED! AUTOGRAPHED!
Awwww – I’d like that but it’s not necessary!
I pretty much pick up every shiny thing I come across. My hubby is concerned that it’s all contaminated so we keep it in my Wonky Drawer. There’s about 3 different astronaut figurines, all smaller than my thumb… though one is techncally a cosmonaut that I was gifted. There’s one wooden dice, one metal one, several foil balls, a variety of odd shaped paperclips (one looks like a duck, for reals, the clip part is his wing!), packs and packs of those stickers that look holographic, the inside of calculators from years past, and a very tiny crystal rhino. Oh, and the cat snacks. Only because it’s the only drawer they can’t get into because they have to jimmy it. Yayyyy for wonky drawers!
I don’t know about you but I find paperclips play tangley hell with junk drawers. I have a giant paperclip-style bookmark in the Lazy Bowl by the front door, which also collects referee whistles, keys and other things on lanyards. That makes a real nest, let me tell you!
Pingback: What not to say | Drinking Tips for Teens
Pingback: Pull my finger | Drinking Tips for Teens
My wonkiest drawer has a bunch of dead bugs in it right now. I’m out of paper towels and low on toilet paper so I can’t really clean it out. I guess I could remove it and dump them into the trash but….effort!
Today, I grant you independence from doing anything yucky.
Pingback: Obligatory post-FP post, plus contest results | Drinking Tips for Teens