How can you say no to this?

All telemarketers are beautiful.

All telemarketers are beautiful.

Do you ever get sick of your voice? I know I do. Not your voice, I mean. Your voice is like the sound of an angel peeling a banana, one of those bananas that snaps right open at the stem with a generous give, not the reluctant bendy kind that puts up a fight until the whole tip of your banana is a reduced to brown mush when you finally get the peel open by splitting it along the seam, and then you have to bite off the tip with your teeth bared in order to prevent the mushy bit from actually touching your tongue, and then — ptooie! — into the nearest garbage or conveniently located compost receptacle. Your voice is lovely.

I mean I get sick of the sound of my own voice. But I’m stuck with it. Your voice is one of the few things you can’t change about yourself. You can change your hair, your eye colour, you can change the number of fingers you have (reduction only, unfortunately, a non-reversible procedure). But if you go around changing your voice, people think you’re crazy or Madonna.

Every two weeks I record my bit for CBC Radio. Each bit is roughly 3.5 minutes long, which isn’t that long, really. Three and a half minutes is the length of your average pop song. It’s long enough to pop 1.75 bags of popcorn in the microwave (popping times may vary). And like microwave popcorn, the content of my bits may be hot, but mostly greasy, salty and not especially good for you despite what you’ve been told.

When I listen to these pieces after recording them, sometimes I think to myself, “Oh shutup already!” And sometimes I think, “Why has science still not come up with the self-peeling banana?”

I know; I’m really selling my radio work, aren’t I? It’s the reverse psychology of self-promotion. It’s self-demotion.

But if there’s one thing I hate more than hearing the sound of my own voice, it’s telemarketers, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is what you call a segue.

For the piece linked below, which originally appeared on CBC Radio’s “Breakaway” on Tuesday, October 1, 2013 at 16:45 PST (popcorn standard time), I played with voices and sound effects to create a dialogue between myself and the world’s most generous telemarketer. I also put on a vaguely foreign accent because a) it’s a telemarketer, b) stereotypes make the world a better place, c) it’s not racist; it’s a homage, and c) Madonna was not available.

If you’re like me, and you say no to telemarketers no matter how good a deal they offer, have a listen. Maybe you’ll find we have a lot in common, i.e. maybe you’ll likewise get sick of the sound of my voice.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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53 Responses to How can you say no to this?

  1. denmother says:

    Ross,
    Is it wrong that I feel like eating a banana right now?
    Denmother

  2. Letizia says:

    I wasn’t able to click on the link (but it could be my computer – it’s been acting funny- so I’ll try the link later). I’m always surprised by the sound of my recorded voice – there’s no way I actually sound like that, do I? Looking forward to listening to your piece!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      The Grooveshark link may not work on mobile. As for the CBC links, they were wrong. Plus, CBC hasn’t posted them yet. Yeah, I’m that organized. I’m used to the sound of my voice now, just not crazy about it. And, no, I’m not fishing for compliments.

  3. Loved it! (And I agree that early Pierce Brosnan is *meh* at best.) But I thought — maybe I’m mistaken… maybe — that I heard you say “hoose.”

  4. List of X says:

    I guess I am a lot like you, because I feel tempted to say “no, thank you” to your generous offer to listen to the clip.
    …and then the link doesn’t work on my phone…so I’ll have to log in from somewhere else to listen.

  5. I like my singing voice but I don’t typically like my speaking voice. Is that weird?? Plus, whenever I record myself I can throw in a little reverb and other effects and that makes it all sound a little better.

  6. pinklightsabre says:

    The clip is terribly funny. You don’t sound stupid, just vaguely Canadian. (I heard it with “house.”) The other guy is really good, as is the writing, of course. BFD.

  7. pinklightsabre says:

    Wait – was there another guy, or was that you, too? That would be really good.

  8. That was very funny, Mr. Rosemary. How handsome are we talking?

  9. Addie says:

    When I’m in the shower, my speaking voice is just swell. That’s my pretend world and I’m staying right here.

    I’ve taken on the more aggressive approach with overseas customer service–I use the phrase lightly–represent ices. For example:

    –Mrs. Cofey, my name is David.

    –No, it isn’t. What is your real name?

    –David, m’am.

    –Fine. I’ll call you David if you call me Lakshmi.

    –But…your name is not Lakshmi.

    –And yours isn’t David.

    It’s great fun.

  10. breezyk says:

    haha- that was great, Mr. Rosemary. I must admit that is not what I imagined your voice to sound like… though I can’t describe how it is different, either. I’m always surprised and slightly horrified when I hear my own voice on recordings.. I sound like an excited 12 year old girl. …..And that’s why I don’t do video blogs.

  11. Cristina says:

    Mr. Rosemary,
    That was so funny! And I need to go out to buy bananas now…
    Meh!

  12. Are you telling me I wasn’t the FIRST to call you Rosemary??

    I don’t even BOTHER to answer the phone; that’s what my message machine’s job is. Then I listen and if I want to talk, I’ll pick it up – I call it “manual caller ID” and it’s fairly cheap.

    Poor telemarketers – they have the worst desk jobs going ….

  13. I would go for Roger Moore.
    I’ve learned to hate my voice.
    When we have company meetings and then hear me talk they say “Ohh, you are the guy of the recording”.
    My voice is the one you would first hear when you call our company, they decided it was a good idea for me to record all the automatic messages, as you can imagine I’m the most hated voice in this company.

  14. Nic says:

    That opening paragraph was EVERYTHING. Ha! Also loved the segue. Gosh, I’ve missed this blog!

  15. El Guapo says:

    Wait are you sick of your natural voice, or the androgynous the-crying-game voice of the telemarketer?
    And if all telemarketers made that last offer, sales would be through the roof!

  16. Ned's Blog says:

    I’m not sure if you’ve ever tried this, but if you listen to that clip with a peeled banana in each ear, you’re voice is quite intoxicating. Or maybe it’s all that potassium…

  17. ksbeth says:

    that’s cool you do the radio bit, and i understand the horror of your own voice phenomenon. many people have told me that when answering the phone i have a ‘european accent’ of some sort, not really recognized in this age and place. when in australia this summer, 3 different people approached me to say, ‘and i can tell YOU are a canadian!’ umm, no, just my unusual accent –

  18. benzeknees says:

    I really don’t like the sound of my own voice either. Many people have told me my voice is soft & sexy sounding, even a little breathy but to me it sounds completely foreign. Not at all like what I imagined my voice really sounds like.
    On another completely different note: has anyone ever told you your avatar looks like the character of the younger brother from Judging Amy?

  19. Sadly this isn’t loading for me. Can I find it on the CBC radio site?

    I figure to work in radio you must either learn to love the sound of your own voice, or accept that every time you record your spot you’ll need to go home and cry into a banana afterwards. I like the sounds of option #2.

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