Reveal the ‘Breaking Bad’ ending? What, are you high?

I can’t bear to look at the news this week. It’s just too difficult. It could ruin everything. I might accidentally find out how “Breaking Bad” ends.

nowalterallowed“Breaking Bad,” if you haven’t been paying attention, is the recently concluded American television series about a man who uses his skills as a high school chemistry teacher to begin cooking and selling meth in order to pay his medical bills. This scenario makes me feel much less guilty about using my work-acquired QuarkXpress skills to lay out my mother-in-law’s Christmas newsletter.

“Breaking Bad” is also about the people in Walter White’s life who are too stupid to catch on to his criminal antics. At least I assume they never catch on; I’m only on Season 2 of 6, the part where someone’s head ends up on a turtle’s back. Coincidentally, this exact thing happened in an early episode of “Bewitched,” except with less decapitation.

I’ve been watching the series on DVD for a year and a half, and I still don’t know what’s breaking or why that’s especially bad. Maybe I’ll learn later. It’s taken so long to get only this far because sometimes after a hard day at work you don’t feel like an hour of bleak, drug-fuelled societal misery coupled with the triumph of human darkness in the name of pragmatism, interspersed with cancer. Sometimes you just want something lighter, like watching “Big Bang Theory” or updating your will.

But I will watch it all eventually, because this is how I do television these days. I purchase a series on DVD, maybe once it’s two or three seasons along. That way I can be assured that the show I’m about to invest in is quite good, that it’s worth watching, that it’s not “2 Broke Girls.”

I say I will watch the “Breaking Bad” conclusion but there are no guarantees. Perhaps I will fall out of love with the series or lose interest. It happens sometimes. For example, at this point, I no longer really care How He Met Their Mother.

But from what I understand, the finale of “Breaking Bad” was phenomenal, so much so that it was all over the news this week.

Consequently, I don’t dare try to learn about the U.S. government shut-down for fear of happening upon a headline that screams, “‘Breaking Bad’ ends with Bollywood musical number” or something else that ruins the surprise (although if some news site announces “‘Breaking Bad’ finale gets ‘high’ ratings,” well, hat’s off to you, headline writer).

I go on Salon.com to read about chemical weapons in Syria and right there on their content page, “The three biggest MacGyver moments from the ‘Breaking Bad’ finale.” Yikes! Now I know the conclusion had something to do with a bag of potato chips, a blow torch and Martha Raye’s dentures, which is the only MacGyver moment I can think of that makes sense in the context of the show.

I go on CNN.com to see if there’s anything more about the recent student massacre in Nigeria and I’m hit with “‘Breaking Bad’ goes out with a bang” and “‘SNL’ spoofs ‘Breaking Bad’ finale.” Nope, nope, nope! I never did find out about the slaughter, but I did learn that “‘Panda cam’ to go dark in government shut down” and “Drew Barrymore’s daughter turns 1!”

On the CBC website, trying to find out whether Canadians are the least bit peeved about the prorogation of Parliament, there it is: “‘Breaking Bad’ withdrawal sets in as fans say goodbye to series.” Well played on the “withdrawal” pun, CBC headline writer. Well played.

There’s no way I can even sneak onto Facebook at work to see who’s ranting over the latest slight to feminism for fear of reading someone’s status update: “Just watched the ‘Breaking Bad’ finale… Weed whackers! Muppets! Karl Rove twerking! Pinball! Just wow!” I certainly can’t change my own status to read, “Please don’t tell me about the ‘Breaking Bad’ conclusion” because that would just bait my Facebook friends into spoiling the surprise. Maybe I should get better Facebook friends. Or not go on Facebook. You see the sacrifices I’m forced to undergo!

So until I watch the important finale of “Breaking Bad,” I’m afraid I’ll have to remain ignorant of current events for a while… at this rate, for the next four years. “Dexter” might mean another two.

Or I guess I could just start reading newspapers again.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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29 Responses to Reveal the ‘Breaking Bad’ ending? What, are you high?

  1. El Guapo says:

    Newspaper reading is a lost art.

    I ended up watching teh entire series to the penultimate episode in about two or three weeks during my commute. Overall, it was an interesting character study.
    For weirdness, get to the season four finale. It’s probably something you haven’t seen before.
    And may make you a bit quesay.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      YAY! I’m having a hard time getting momentum with the series for the reasons I stated and because I watch it with my wife who is less into gritty drama than I am. (“All right, ‘Modern Family’ it is, then!”)

      • El Guapo says:

        Oh, there’s no way my wife would watch it.
        And honestly, if I watched it week to week when it aired, I wouldn’t have stayed with it.
        I’m all for your idea of letting it run then watching online or dvd.
        In the end though, it was a complete, mostly satisfying story with enough flashes of sheer brilliance to sustain it over a shorter haul.

  2. Dexter and Walter hook up and hang out with Bob Newhart. Classic ending.

    I watched all but the last season of “Six Feet Under” (from a DVD collection b/c I like to watch that way too)- I can’t make myself watch the last season at this point.

  3. I’d go on a BB binge if I were you, Ross. Four years of social isolation? Pretty tough, plus you’ll probably soak up spoilers by osmosis.

    Then again, the Surgeon General has warned against watching too many episodes in a short time. Definitely hazardous to mental well-being!

  4. I’m a HUUUGE BB fan but don’t have cable, so had to try to make it through every Monday avoiding spoilers until I could catch up on iTunes…extra hard when my job in media requires me to be on the internet (rough life, I know.) I did watch the finale in real time though, but I won’t spoil it for ya! I liked this cartoon https://scontent-a-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1003912_10151642203643869_2045068248_n.jpg

  5. goldfish says:

    The problem with the internet these days is it’s too hard to avoid spoilers. NPR already ruined part of the finale for me by interviewing a cast member. Thanks, NPR.

  6. Ned's Blog says:

    I’m one of two people (well, until the second one killed himself) who hasn’t watched a single episode Breaking Bad. But your hint that it might include Karl Rover twerking has changed my mind.

    (Ross, this was a hysterical piece, my friend 😉 )

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Never seen a single Sopranos, Lost. Wish I had never seen a single Two and a Half Men.

      Thanks.

      • Ned's Blog says:

        Lol! I’ve never seen those shows either. And I only watched half an episode of Two and a Half Men. It was the one when Charlie and his brother turn into zombies and eat the kid after their plane crashes on a mysterious island…

        I fall asleep a lot on TV shows after 9 p.m.

  7. ksbeth says:

    it may be in your own best interest to lay low and stay away from the news for a bit. live in your little happy place just a bit longer…

  8. benzeknees says:

    I won’t let you down because I never watched a single episode of the series. Isn’t reading a newspaper a dead art?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I work at a school with a library and newspaper subscriptions. Every morning I stop and scan and/or read. Pretty much me and two other people, neither of whom are teachers.

  9. Laura Lynn says:

    My sister watches all the Breaking Bad and I watch all the Dexter and then we encapsulate for each other over tea while watching Homeland and taping Game of Thrones. It’s exhausting.

  10. Letizia says:

    Maybe you could watch the series backwards, starting with the finale and work your way to the pilot? This way, there is no drama. Or entertainment. Oh dear….

  11. Pingback: breaking bad is not bad | the notebook of be

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