The Case of the Covert Beaver

Last week saw revelations that Canada has been spying on Brazil’s mining ministry, but it is as yet unclear exactly why. The following audio transcript, recorded at the secret headquarters of Canada’s spy agency, located in an abandoned Zellers in Moosejaw, may shed some light…

Good morning, Webster. What have we got today?

Good morning, sir. We’re hearing a lot of chatter on the Mongolian border.

Terrorist cell?

No, it’s just really cold.

What’s the latest intel on China’s resource development?

We’ve run a long tail matrix field sweep with the CanSpy D21 for all usages of the word “mining” within the relevant Chinese ministries.

And?

We’ve learned that Mi Ning is a Chinese pop star who is currently number 3 on the state-television countdown show “You Will Like This Music” with her song, “Wǒ de kùzi shì zīběn zhǔyì,” which means “My pants are full of capitalism.”

That’s it?

I can also report that it’s very catchy.

Nothing else on mining?

I’m afraid we only have the trial version of the CanSpy D21. Budget cuts, I’m afraid. We’re waiting to accumulate enough Air Miles points to purchase the full program.

Damn that Jim Flaherty… What’s the latest from Brazil?

Well, sir, our efforts have been somewhat hampered because we can’t find anyone on payroll who speaks Brazilian.

Portuguese.

Gesundheit, sir.

No, Webster, they speak Portuguese in Brazil.

Why, those crafty sons of guns! Anyway, sir, we have managed to learn that Brazil has a current GDP per capita of $12,000 and the sixth largest labor force of over a 107 million.

This is through our operatives in the field?

No, sir, through Wikipedia.

Anything else?

We’ve obtained these photos of Brazil’s foreign minister cavorting on a topless beach.

Let me see those.

It’s an all-male topless beach, sir.

Never mind. Look, Webster, this is ridiculous. Weather reports, pop singers, shirtless diplomats… this is not why this agency was established. Our mission is to supply our government with information that matters, information that they absolutely need, namely: Does the rest of the world take Canada seriously?

Would you buy a used house from this man?

Would you buy a used house from this man?

I, uh, I do have some data on that, sir. We’ve learned that Prime Minister Stephen Harper has a recognition rating of 80 percent.

That’s good!

Unfortunately, 68 percent of those think they recognize him from a real estate lawn sign.

Oh.

Also, only 3 percent of worldwide media refer to Michael J. Fox as “the Canadian-born actor.” On the plus side, 100 percent of Canadian media consistently refer to Michael J. Fox as “the Canadian-born actor.”

You know this government doesn’t care what Canadians think! What else have you got?

Well, the Japanese think we’re cute, the Russians think we’re adorable, the Brits think we smell like maple bacon, the Dutch think we’re boring, which is saying a lot, the Australians think “Regina” is just about the funniest word going and the Americans don’t think at all.

About Canada?

No, about anything at all, sir. Also, as national symbols go, we’re not doing ourselves any favours by hanging on to the beaver. In fact, sir, if we crunch the numbers, we have a seriousness rating of 2.3 with a niceness index of 9.6.

What? How can that be? Our government has done everything in its power to transform Canada’s image from nice guy to a climate-change-denying, United-Nations-shunning, dirty-oil-producing, Nickelback-inflicting badass. And still we don’t get any respect! What does Canada have to do get noticed?

Well, sir, it’s just a thought but we could leak information to the media that Canada’s been spying on other countries for no real reason other than because we can.

That’s genius. Surely, we’ll be the cool kid — er, country then! Webster, you’ll go far in Canadian intelligence.

Thank you, sir.

 And while you’re at it, see if you can’t get Nickelback to release a cover version of “Wǒ de kùzi shì zīběn zhǔyì.”

The above originally aired on CBC Radio’s “Breakaway.” You can listen to the original in sneaky audio via the widget below.

Advertisements

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Canada and/or Quebec, Never Happened, Turn that radio on! and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to The Case of the Covert Beaver

  1. You had me a ‘beaver’ & ‘Regina’…. and my Canadian friend that is visiting does emanate a maple bacon odor…

  2. El Guapo says:

    Canadians are so cute when they’re being crafty.

  3. I wonder if my parents are spies because they are in Mongolia right now.

  4. benzeknees says:

    I like our reputation as nice, helpful guys! I brag about quite regularly!

  5. I heard somewhere that Ukrainians are the only people who, when polled, said they consider Canadians sexy. I’m sure this must mean something.
    ^K.

  6. Ned's Blog says:

    The hairs on my neck have been standing for weeks now. I thought it was just some age-related issue, like extra nostril hair. Now I know It’s the feeling of being watched. For the record, “Hickson” is not a Mongolian name.

    By the way, the threat of Nickelback releasing a new song — our even being used in a jingle for hair remover — could end whatever peace treaty our two countries has.

  7. breezyk says:

    ummm speaking from the experience of a lawyer whose pants are filled with capitalism, Stephen Harper totally looks like he could be in real estate law. Nailed it. Also I love that this happened in an abandoned Zellers… however I’m slightly disappointed Zeddy the bear wasn’t somehow involved.

  8. ksbeth says:

    i have dated a canadian and someone who claimed to have been a mongol warrior perhaps in another life. am i on the watch list? please advise asap.

Go ahead, don't be shy.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s