I’ll be making a prepared statement. I will not be accepting questions, although I will be accepting knowing glances, donations and book deals.
I would first like to thank my family for standing by me these last few weeks. It’s been tough on them, what with the body odour. When things like this happen, it’s always the children who pay, and I promise, kids, that from now on, I will remember to bring my wallet. I owe you. I owe you big time. I owe you 503 dollars and 15 cents. But no matter what happens and what people say about me, I will always be your father, so I don’t expect you to charge me interest.
I’d also like to thank my wonderful, supportive wife, who has had to endure not only this ordeal but such shocking and hurtful rumours against her, which I would like to take this opportunity to clear up once and for all, so please listen – that is her own leg and it is 100 percent natural. This is a fact, and it has been certified by an independent physician, plus we have sworn affidavits from members of the travelling company of Who’s The Boss: The Musical.
In regards to the recent allegations, specifically the alligator allegations: as I explained to the commission chairman earlier and have demonstrated through documentation and interpretive dance, the animals involved were in fact crocodiles, they were fully licenced and legally imported into Canada. I cannot at this time speak to the current whereabouts of the crocodiles, though I can tell you at this juncture that they are safe and being cared for and no longer as hungry as they were.
To answer the questions that have been asked about me in the press:
1) Yes, I was, considerably so.
2) There’s no way to prove that was mine in that photo.
3) The word I said was “malfeasance.”
4) When you get right down to it, I think we can all agree the committee chairman had it coming.
I have made mistakes. I have made cakes. The cakes were among the mistakes, I realize that now. I pretty much realized it right away when I looked out the window and saw the ambulances.
But I never claimed to be a perfect person. If I was perfect, I would be the Pope but clearly I am not the Pope, as the restraining order from the Vatican has made perfectly clear.
Did I do it? Whether I did do it or did not do it isn’t as important as the things I didn’t not do or even the things that I could have done but didn’t do out of a sense of duty.
We all have flaws. Do we need laws to protect us from those flaws? Do we really need flaw laws? Even if I did dump shredded cabbage all over the produce aisle at Loblaw’s, should I be slapped down by a Loblaw slaw law? Pshaw! But it does cause you to take pause. No, please, hold your applause. Oh, you’re just scratching? Sorry, miss.
We’re all human, or at least we are until that glorious day when we finally see a breakthrough in efforts to breed a man-reptile super-species. While I regret the unfortunate consequences of my actions, in particular the mass evacuations, I cannot apologize, not only because my lawyer advised me not to, but because I acted in what I felt and still feel was the best interest of all. Society will not evolve without great men willing to push the envelope and the occasional car full of evidence off a cliff. In the words of Persian philosopher Hava Sliseapizza: “If the razor has no blade, you are simply wasting your time, not to mention shaving cream.”
Thank you. No questions, no questions!