Prince once sang, “Maybe you’re just like my mother/she’s never satisfied.” Well, Prince is a jerk, bringing his mother into it like that. Shame on you, Prince! After all the years she spent changing your purple diapers and telling you you look so handsome with that wispy mustache and never mind that the bigger boys keep stuffing you into the teeny-tiniest of lockers.
But there is no denying that we tend to be dissatisfied in life and that “Purple Rain” is a mind-blowingly good song.
Last week, I wrote a piece that bemoaned my lack of accomplishments on the verge of turning 48. While the piece was tongue-in-cheek, some of you called me out on it, telling me — and I’m paraphrasing here — “Don’t be such a Prince.”
Indeed, I have plenty reasons to be satisfied (which is not the same as being complacent). I have great kids in good health. One sings in a choir, one has her first boyfriend, three play basketball, one texted me yesterday (he never texts me) that he got a 96% on his criminology quiz, one was Student of the Day in Grade 7 History class last week.
My Dad, who has been quite ill, got out of the hospital this week. Indigo Books (which, for you non-Canucks, is like a Canadian Barnes & Noble ) will be carrying my book in its Montreal-area stores. My wife made me cookies.
And then there’s this:
I’m in there. My piece. Page 163. Three hard-cover copies of the new McSweeney’s book showed up at my door last week. I went “WOOO!” when I opened the box. This is what it sounds like when Ross WOOOs. I’m sharing a table of contents with Mike Sacks, Teddy Wayne, Dan Kennedy, Jesse freakin’ Eisenberg…
Life could always be better, sure, and Prince could always be taller. All in all, though, they’re both pretty damn sweet.
So here’s a piece that aired this week on CBC Radio “Breakaway” about how we tend to believe that life would be perfect if only we had the right lawn ornaments. Click on the link above or the handy Grooveshark widget below.
And thanks, everyone, for hanging out here and making it all worthwhile. Ain’t no particular blogger I’m more compatible with; I just want your extra time and your [DEEDLE-DEEDLE-DEEDLE-DEEDLE-DEE] clicks.
P.S. “Publi-Sac” is the plastic bag flyers are delivered in here in Quebec. Lessoned!
Sound effects: www.freesound.org/people/Jambozal/sounds/37304/ &www.freesound.org/people/BrN/sounds/60596/
Drinking Tips for Teens 
He’s ready to ROAR
Ha-ha! Missed opportunity. Pretty quick there, man.
I have a dog house that says 44 1/2 [insert road name that I almost just revealed to the billions of strangers who read your blog]. It’s funny because my house is 44. So basically I have concrete lions.
If you live on Main Street, I think you’re safe.
First of all, Prince was a dick. And I say that as a mother. If one of my kids sang that about me, I’d kick his ass.
Second, life seems pretty good at 48. Congrats. As someone who is looking at 48 in 10 months and counting, I hope I have it that good.
Me too. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Google “Prince is a dick tattoo,” because I bet there is one.
No. But this:
That’s a sign of the apocolypse.
Only just discovered McSweeney’s. Hilarious stuff! Congrats on all of it.
Thanks very much.
Aww you must be proud of your kids! They’ve accomplished wayy more than my brother and I ever did. Also, ‘grats on your book being in Indigo! That’s rad! Too bad it won’t be in the Victoria one. Still, that’s gotta be a good feeling.
I was going to make a sarcastic, self-deprecating comment but, screw it, it does feel good. Thanks.
OMG, Ross! I cannot believe that I just listened, ON PURPOSE, to a broadcast about GIANT LIONS! I have had a lifelong recurring nightmare in which I’m stalked by lions. So, I can’t really wrap my mind around why. Person would purposefully introduce LIONS to their property.
I can’t even walk by The NewYork Public Library without getting a severe case of THE SHIVERS! Let me know if you do, indeed, procure yourself some lions. I daresay I won’t be visiting. And then who’ll pick up all those “Publi-Sacs” you’ve let clutter up the lawn while you were focused on acquiring marble driveway lions! You may want to give this lion thing a little more thought, Ross. That’s all I’m saying!
Well, you certainly give me… paws.
By the way, congrats on your book enjoying wider release. As to the McSweeney’s thing? That’s almost as good as being the Grade 7 History Student of the Day!
Almost. She was pretty proud, let me tell you.
I think marble or granite lions would look more impressive. I just know that once you actually get the giant cement lions, you’ll realize that you need the lions to be made of marble.
Congratulations on Indigo and McSweeney’s. I hope your books make you enough money to cover up every dog pee burn on your lawn with giant lion statues.
I went with concrete because I didn’t want to be too, you know, ostentatious. And thanks. I love the idea of practical lions.
Banner week, Ross! (And giant lions…does it get any better?)
Real lions? No, no, too much.
Congrats on the McSweeney’s Ross!! Your book is next on my “to-read” list, can’t wait 🙂
Thanks. You might want to take it in small doses, like building up a tolerance.
“discreetly covered their literary devices” – there’s always one line in your post that has me giggling and this time, this was it! I’m tempted to buy this calendar for everyone I know.
oops, I posted my comment on the wrong post! I meant this for the one on the calendar, of course 🙂
I would have figured it out. Either way, thanks. I was particularly proud of my double-entendre, which is literary-speak for “smutty joke.”
This piece made me happy for you, Ross. All good stuff for a good man. It was also nice to know I’m not the only one thinks Prince was a kind of dick.
That whole symbol thing was the last straw.
Oh MAN, I remember thinking how dumb that was. It was like watching the musical equivalent of Ross Perot implode on himself. (I know — sorry that his name was Ross, too. Just a coincidence). Then I was angry at myself for toying with the idea of changing my name to “?”
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Spot on with this write-up, I really think this web site needs a lot more attention. I’ll probably be back again to read through more, thanks for the
advice!