Seriously, what the hell is maple milk?

I took a short vacation from Facebook recently. More like throttled back. Facebook, to put it simply, was driving me nuts. And what happened next you won’t believe!

Yeah, that was the kind of link bait nonsense that was driving me nuts, that and the inane and hateful political comments, particularly regarding Quebec politics as we headed into the current provincial election campaign.

A real thing.

A real thing.

During my Lenten-election-blood-pressure-Facebook-fast, the only thing I really missed was polling my constituents, as it were, about the unknown. As many of you know, I live in maple syrup country. This time of year, the stores are filled with maple — maple fudge, maple candy, maple cones, maple butter. But for the first time this season, I’ve seen maple milk. “What the hell is maple milk?” I wondered. And more important, how does it taste? Alas, without Facebook or actually buying some (no thanks), there was no way to find out.

It didn’t take long to fall off the Facebook wagon. I knew I was doomed when I rushed to inform a Gwyneth-hating Facebook friend about this “conscious uncoupling” business. (Being a Gwyneth-hater, of course, she was already aware. And gloating.) And before long I was sucked back into the politics — the angry, miserable, self-loathing politics of Quebec.

But miserable politics makes for good satire. For those of you, then, who follow Quebec politics (and why the hell would you?), here’s my latest piece at Life in Quebec. For the rest of you: is it just me or does “maple milk” sound kind of dirty?




About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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51 Responses to Seriously, what the hell is maple milk?

  1. markbialczak says:

    I might pour it on if they also came up with pancake-flavored cereal, Ross.

  2. I am 10 kinds of confused about this post for some reason. I’m guessing it’s because I don’t follow Quebec politics. They don’t even have an NHL team anymore, so why does anybody follow their politics, honestly? And is this maple milk a real thing? I’ve finally wrapped my mind around the fact that I sometimes drink milk from an almond nut, so this may be too much for me to take in (giggity and that’s what she said).

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I take full responsibility for your confusion. As for NHL, I think you’re getting Quebec City (Nordiques) confused with Quebec province (home of les Canadiens de Montreal). In fact, when I think about it, the whole damn place is just one confusion after another. So if you’re confused, you actually understand, see?

  3. Ned's Blog says:

    I’m not sure why you feel the need to keep rubbing the abundance of your maple products in our faces, but please… PLEASE: don’t rub your maple milk in my face.

  4. franhunne4u says:

    I think it is just you …

  5. It clearly states “Inspired” – that’s what it tastes like – but b/c of where you live, it has to taste that way in French…but not just any French, your special Canadian French. It also has a nice aftertaste of kangaroo. Or kangourou.

  6. Lynn says:

    I laughed when I saw the title of your post today Ross. Just last week, I saw this in a fridge in a store & my exact words were, what the hell is maple milk? I love fresh maple syrup, maple sugar is to die for but maple milk???? No thanks!

  7. El Guapo says:

    Is the taste supposed to be reminiscent of maple syrup or wood?
    And do they strain out the bark first?

  8. Paul says:

    Very thoughtful -offering not only current Gwyneth news, but a commentary on Quebec politics – subjects possibly more related than meets the eye and both better kept out of the public eye for fear of infection. I find your post to be fairly bristling with subjects for discussion. For instance, think it’s a coincidence that Natrel Maple Milk appears exactly during an election? Ohhh, I think not. A quick trip to the Natrel website uncovers the following facts: 1) there is no maple in Maple Milk (to quote the website:”made with natural maple flavour” which is advertizing code for – no maple syrup was involved in the making of this product). and 2) Natrel is owned by Agropur which is a co-operative wholly owned by the farmer’s of Quebec. So, the farmers of Quebec want you to experience a product that has no relation to what it is labelled as. Could this be a clue to deciphering the politics of Pauline Marois – the Bloc Quebeqois leader? Could it be that the farmers are, in fact, exhibiting subconscious “conscious uncoupling” of their futures from the BQ by hinting that the BQ objectives are not as stated? That “representation” actually is code for “separation”? That “distinct society” is code for “down with the English”? How could this be? Why would the farmers want such an uncoupling? Weellll, for inspiration we revisit Natrel’ s parent company – Agropur – website. And we discover….wait for it… that the Quecec farmers, through Agropur, also happen to own Sealtest – none other than the largest,most profitable dairy products manufacturer and distributor in…where?…ONTARIO. The sworn political Engish enemy of the BQ. If the BQ succeeds, and imposes separation, the farmers will definitley lose a pile of dough on their Ontario operations. And they will be considerably poorer for the cause. And so, you now see that the introduction of Maple Milk (with no maple in it) is a cry for help by the Quebec farmers in a political arena that would castigate them for openly opposing the BQ. Hence subconscious conscious uncoupling. See the similarities between Quebec politics and Gwyneth now? How clear it all is once we navigate through the subtexts of the byzatine world of Quebec politics. And the outcome is immediatley obvious the most casual observer – Maple Milk.

  9. Is it what baby maples drink?

  10. Maple milk sounds pretty gross but now I want to take a trip up to Quebec to get me some maple butter – that sounds awesome! Is it awesome? Please let it be awesome.

    …Glad to hear that being on facebook isn’t that different in Canada as it is here. Except the timing on the especial political rage is different, of course. Down with the clickbait links!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Pretty much everything in Canada is the same except for the occasional U thrown into wourds.

      Awesome? Try spectacular. How about some sugar on snow? Boiling maple syrup poured onto fresh snow, instantly congealing it, then you take a popsicle stick and wind up the hardened syrup like spaghetti, then IN. YOUR. MOUTH! Yah.

      • …Quebec is fast moving up on my Places I Want To Vacation. I think it’s going to stick right at second to Japan.
        I mean I wanted to go to Canada some time anyway ’cause I hear it’s beautiful. But beautiful AND delicious? Gah, I hate not having vacation money!

        • rossmurray1 says:

          Remember, Canada is big and diverse, culturally and geographically, so I sure hope your vacation is, like, a year.

          • I only really know anything about Vancouver aside from Quebec so those are the two places I have any desire to go to. Maybe after I visit those places, there’ll be others I want to see, too.

            …I don’t claim to have good geography skills or high literacy in other places in the world. I just claim to have better skills than maybe about half of the other people in this country. Especially the ones who think that Europe and Africa are countries.

  11. As a fellow Canuck, all I can say is eeewwwwwww……..

  12. I’ve seen the words “maple” and “milk” before but never put together like that. It made me kind of throw-up in my mouth a little bit.

    My wife gives up Facebook every year for lent. It’s quite a sacrifice for her! Since I am not religious, I give up nothing at all. Also, since I am not religious, I don’t have a Facebook page.

  13. ksbeth says:

    if you get a maple milk mustache does it look like a leaf? please advise.

  14. Trent Lewin says:

    I’ve never heard of maple milk. But I have heard of Quebec politics. Let’s have a referendum on the topic. Let’s separate and get back together, let’s get divorced and remarried. Let’s toast our nupitals with maple milk. Let’s have a charter of values that mixes up the very definition of the word “values”. Let’s let organized crime infect every area of our construction industry, to the point where enough has been skimmed that our infrastructure is a piece of crap.

    The maple milk will make it okay. The maple syrup by itself is regenerative. It’s a renewable resource. It flows every spring. And it’ll keep doing that long after the politicians fade to nothing.

  15. Elyse says:

    How the hell do you milk a maple tree. That is my problem with all of these weird milks. Soy. Almond. Book chop. Where are the teats? No teats, no milk.

  16. mollytopia says:

    Yes, maple milk does sound dirty hahaha : )

  17. Louise says:

    I’m unclear on the need to sell maple milk. My husband’s family is franco-Ontarian and just add the maple syrup to the milk (and their coffee, and most other things) themselves. I don’t “get” it – but that appears simple enough without it coming pre-packaged that way.

  18. cat9984 says:

    Do they make maple ice cream? Maybe maple milk is the melted version.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      You know, they do! There’s maple walnut, of course, but there’s a local company that makes maple ice cream that has bits of frozen maple syrup in it. God it’s good!

  19. benzeknees says:

    Maple milk sounds seriously sweet – like the sweetened condensed stuff you use to bake with! Or maybe it’s creamy maple stuff – used to make Sugar Pie?

  20. Your means of explaining the whole thing in this
    article is in fact pleasant, every onne can without difficulty understand it,
    Thanks a lot.

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