My full report

Charted for your protection.

Charted for your protection.

I respectfully submit the following:

  • Average wake-up time: 7:03:17 a.m.
  • Average showers taken: 1.32
  • Toenails clipped: 10; toenails disposed of in accordance with standard practice: 7; toenails irretrievable: 3
  • Teeth brushed: 29 (down 2% from previous report)
  • Observation 1: Hazel is the only nut that is also a person’s name. Why no one named Pecan or Cashew, which are lovely? Close exception: Philbert, which sounds like “filbert,” which is another name for “hazelnut.” Coincidence? Further inquiry recommended.
  • Filled and submitted Form R735 “Report on Parenthetical (Asides and Sotto Voce [Bracketed and Others {Including – but Not Limited to – Long Dashes}]) Remarks (1st Quarter)”

  • Ate a pepperjack cheese sandwich
  • Read profile of cereal industry: “Soggy growth in flakes” (Breakfast Daily: The Most Important Read of the Day, April 27, page 4)
  • Observation 2: Finally decided to see what this S&M business is all about and engaged in some light bondage. Conclusion: likely more fun if another person involved.
  • Time spent pretending to enjoy people’s company: 16%
  • Non sequiturs produced: Spandex
  • Average blood pressure: 160 over 90
  • Ability to understand blood pressure: 0% (stable)
  • Sat at every stop sign for a full five seconds to compensate for individuals/drivers who do the slow-and-go. Balance restored in this small corner of the universe.
  • Car horns heard: 44 (up 8%)
  • Books read: 1) Superman on Vacation: The Beaches of Solitude 2) The Human Conditioner: Blather, Wince, Repeat 3) The White Man’s Bourbon 4) The Heavy Hand: A Story of Obvious Symbolism
  • Observation 3: When you make a deal with someone, follow through right away; don’t hold up your end of the bargain.
  • Pants worn: 87%; people who referred to them correctly as “knickerbockers”: 0.2%
  • Filed Regulatory Jurisdictional Fiduciary Receivership Report Series 7C without using the letter S, as instructed; feedback on report was “Outtanding” and “Uperb!”
  • Conversation #37. Teenager: “They thought I was my little sister’s mom. That means I would have had her when I was 7!” Me: “Inconceivable!”
  • Consecutive days without seeing an Adam Sandler film: 874
  • Videos watched on Facebook: 17; what happened next believed: 15; what happened next not believed: 2
  • Time spent worrying about how the monogrammed towel industry is holding up: 29 minutes.
  • Calories empty vs non-empty: 24/76
  • About-faces: 7
  • Knees jerked: 15
  • Jaws dropped: 18
  • Minds boggled: 1
  • Observation 4: Went to the gym 3 times. Received work-out instructions via text message from Employee #876. Later told “doing great” and encouraged to “keep it up” via gym’s PA system. Did not feel motivated. This is last time I retain the services of an impersonal trainer.
  • Number of times striding through the doors of perception: 0; number of times peeping through the transom of inkling: 251
  • Service workers yelled at just because I could and/or to compensate for my own inadequacies: 0
  • Incidents of becoming indignant over seeds in clementines: 4
  • Rejoinders made vs rejoinders received: 3/7
  • Observation 5: The Boxer Rebellion was not about underwear. I respectfully retract my previous statements in this regard.
  • In the front: business; in the back: party; on the sides: lunch

I hope this clears things up.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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44 Responses to My full report

  1. Fantastic! Thank for the belly laugh.
    I look forward to more reports and hope for expanded metrics and graphs with stick figures and arrows (I’m a simple gal).

  2. amforte66 says:

    Hilarious! I really enjoyed this post. Best LOL: Observation 2: Finally decided to see what this S&M business is all about and engaged in some light bondage. Conclusion: likely more fun if another person involved.

  3. Addie says:

    Of course the Boxer Rebellion wasn’t about underwear…sheesh. It was about the time when Cassius Clay changed his name to Mohammad Ali.

    You Canadians!

  4. Paul says:

    That was hilarious Ross. I especially liked the 5 second stop balancing the universe. Ha! Delightful. I gotta say I’m with MamaMickTerry (thought wise Ross, get your mind out of the gutter!) in requesting more graphics complete with stick-men and arrows. I’m a visual kind of guy. Although I do like the blue color of your graphic- it reminds me of a blue lizard’s tail striking the ground real hard, and some scales flying off For instance you could graph a series of occurences in a curve with limit lines on both sides and by representing the number of data points as circles – the bigger the circle, the higher the number of data points within it (like the population indicators on a map). This would look like the neck of a griaffe going by a window. See? Animal print graphing is all the rage.

    Anyway, very real and topical report Ross – well done. One small apparent error:”Filled and submitted Form R735…” starts the report name with a quotaton mark, but doesn’t end it with a quotation mark. Given the enclosing topic of the report, this seems like a glaring error, much like writing a report on cats wthout mentioning they have tails – the ending is missing. Other wise not bad.

  5. Pingback: My full report | West Coast Review

  6. Oh my goodness. This is so much fun. Thank you Ross!

  7. Charity says:

    Did you come up with any solutions for the monogrammed towel industry?

  8. El Guapo says:

    The Breakfast Daily is a known mouthpiece and shill for the morning foods industry.
    I get all my info from the Flakey Bugle.

  9. I’m sorry to inform you that you have high blood pressure, Ross.

  10. jillscene says:

    Mr Ross Murray, For reasons known only to me, or they would be if I hadn’t gone and written about them, it’s all about Observation Three.

  11. Pingback: Chew or choke, which will it be? « Jill's Scene

  12. 9th bullet point – DEFINITELY.

    I have also contemplated that Hazelnut was a person’s name and no other – on the way down my street on my bike last week (for reals – as my kid would say).

    Please stop naming nuts. Like yourself.

  13. ksbeth says:

    you must have been that ‘other’ crew member on the u.s.s. enterprise, who entered the logs but was never seen, for reasons unknown.

  14. Nic says:

    Thank you for the sudden pepperjack cheese craving.

    Also, I just got mad FOR you over the clementine seeds! Those are inexcusable and should never be tolerated.

  15. So the “real” scientific world needs to know what the graph represents. Diversity/Length Graphs were used in the 12th century (BC) to determine tomb depths for various and sundry Tuts (King, Prince, Queen, et al.) Unfortunately I am led to believe that in-breeding caused the Diversity part of the graph (no measurements were ever invented for Diversity) to mean towards zero, thus inventing what became the straight line. Which became the root of every invention known to man.

    This report is remarkable in it’s depth, length, and Diversity. I too, hope it becomes a staple here at Drinking Tips Central. Thanks for a good laugh.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I looked up “useless graph” and that was the result. I’m surprised it didn’t turn up every PowerPoint ever created.
      Glad you liked this. And I learned something today! I think.

  16. benzeknees says:

    Seeds encountered in Clementines: 8. I see your indignence & raise you a bothered!

  17. cat9984 says:

    Oh my gosh! I missed the filing deadlines for those reports, didn’t I?

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