My full report

Charted for your protection.

I respectfully submit the following:

• Average wake-up time: 7:03:17 a.m.

• Average showers taken: 1.32

• Toenails clipped: 10; toenails disposed of in accordance with standard practice: 7; toenails irretrievable: 3

• Teeth brushed: 29 (down 2% from previous report)

• Observation 1: Hazel is the only nut that is also a person’s name. Why no one named Pecan or Cashew, which are lovely? Close exception: Philbert, which sounds like “filbert,” which is another name for “hazelnut.” Coincidence? Further inquiry recommended.

• Filled and submitted Form R735 “Report on Parenthetical (Asides and Sotto Voce [Bracketed and Others {Including – but Not Limited to – Long Dashes}]) Remarks (1^st Quarter)”

• Ate a pepperjack cheese sandwich

• Read profile of cereal industry: “Soggy growth in flakes” (Breakfast Daily: The Most Important Read of the Day, April 27, page 4)

• Observation 2: Finally decided to see what this S&M business is all about and engaged in some light bondage. Conclusion: likely more fun if another person involved.

• Time spent pretending to enjoy people’s company: 16%

• Non sequiturs produced: Spandex

• Average blood pressure: 160 over 90

• Ability to understand blood pressure: 0% (stable)

• Sat at every stop sign for a full five seconds to compensate for individuals/drivers who do the slow-and-go. Balance restored in this small corner of the universe.

• Car horns heard: 44 (up 8%)

• Books read: 1) Superman on Vacation: The Beaches of Solitude 2) The Human Conditioner: Blather, Wince, Repeat 3) The White Man’s Bourbon 4) The Heavy Hand: A Story of Obvious Symbolism

• Observation 3: When you make a deal with someone, follow through right away; don’t hold up your end of the bargain.

• Pants worn: 87%; people who referred to them correctly as “knickerbockers”: 0.2%

• Filed Regulatory Jurisdictional Fiduciary Receivership Report Series 7C without using the letter S, as instructed; feedback on report was “Outtanding” and “Uperb!”

• Conversation #37. Teenager: “They thought I was my little sister’s mom. That means I would have had her when I was 7!” Me: “Inconceivable!”

• Consecutive days without seeing an Adam Sandler film: 874

• Videos watched on Facebook: 17; what happened next believed: 15; what happened next not believed: 2

• Time spent worrying about how the monogrammed towel industry is holding up: 29 minutes.

• Calories empty vs non-empty: 24/76

• About-faces: 7

• Knees jerked: 15

• Jaws dropped: 18

• Minds boggled: 1

• Observation 4: Went to the gym 3 times. Received work-out instructions via text message from Employee #876. Later told “doing great” and encouraged to “keep it up” via gym’s PA system. Did not feel motivated. This is last time I retain the services of an impersonal trainer.

• Number of times striding through the doors of perception: 0; number of times peeping through the transom of inkling: 251

• Service workers yelled at just because I could and/or to compensate for my own inadequacies: 0

• Incidents of becoming indignant over seeds in clementines: 4

• Rejoinders made vs rejoinders received: 3/7

• Observation 5: The Boxer Rebellion was not about underwear. I respectfully retract my previous statements in this regard.

• In the front: business; in the back: party; on the sides: lunch

I hope this clears things up.