Get your SEO-face on

This hep cat kids know where it's at word dog swag diddy yo LOL whaddup. #SEO #No1 #keywords

These hep cat kids know where it’s at word dog swag diddy yo LOL whaddup. #SEO #No1 #keywords

What is every North American’s dream? Long lustrous hair that flows in slow motion like a summer breeze, of course. But the other dream is to be number one at whatever it is we do. And the one thing that everyone does is exist. Ranking in the top 10 of being, however, that’s a tall order. If you’re a cook at a greasy spoon, it’s a short order. Either way, the competition is fierce.

Being number one at being doesn’t happen by accident. It takes dynamic top-down marketing and optimization along with occasional “bottoms-up” martinis and libations. But more on trendline alcoholization later.

This is not your grandfather’s existence. We live in a multi-segmented, post-humanistic, funnel-cookie age, with billions if not billions-and-a-half people competing for that top spot in the existence peopleplace. You may have terrific personality and that fabulous hair we spoke about earlier, but do you think that mere substance is going to keep your rank top-shingled? Do you seriously imagine that by regularly refreshing your knowledge-base and content nubbins you’ll be rank-grappling with the Kardashians? Do you really? You disgust me!

Thankfully, I’m a far better person than you (currently ranked #37,900,002!), trending high on “selflessness” and “givingosity,” so I’m “happy” to demonstrate some “best practices” to improve your being score. “You’re Welcome 2.0.”

First of all, it’s important to document every statistical aspect of your life, bearing in mind that, as Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth uploading. Moreover, it’s not enough to merely compile your statistics. You must pore over them constantly and algorithmacally. Probe, configure and reconfigure. Put the “anal” in “analytics.”

Learn how to read your numbers. For example, have you switched religions multiple times in your lifetime? This is your conversion rate. Have you spent more hours than the global median on trampolines? This is your bounce rate. Do you ingest more than the daily recommended amount of sodium and fat? This is going to kill you.

Death, incidentally, will severely penalize your life-being rank. If you do plan on dying, it’s important to implement a 301 redirect (see also: duplicate content; reincarnation).

Next, in order to increase your flappilation score for long-tail searches and ring-tailed lemurs, strategize the organic putting-in-ness of keywords. These are important words and phrases that will help people find you, even when you’re hiding beneath a pile of coats in the guest room, which is my favourite place to be at parties because that’s where the wallets are. You want to use common words like “hello” and “outrage” in combination with more specialized words that will help you stand out, such as “glunk” and “persimmon.”

Don’t conflagulate your conversation with bogus common keyword splatter. For example, using “The the the the the the the Ross Murray is a god the the the the the…” is considered black hat, and there are generally no wallets stored inside black hats, so what’s the point?

Instead, try using metawords: metaphors, metafictions, metabolic steroids, what am I meta money? etc.

Rank practices for life-being are constantly evolving, what with people being born all the time and some of these people being huge jerks, so it’s important to remain vigilant regarding new techniques and ever cognisant that it’s never-ever going to be enough. For instance, the standard practice used to be “tagging,” which involved reaching out and grabbing people’s links. But this call-to-action often resulted in a call-for-police. Lately, tagging has been replaced by “tickling,” with some experts preferring “spider-monkeying” and others still suggesting “spin-cycling.” Will we see the day when “kidnapping” becomes the norm? We can only dream!

Beaver-generated content? It’s possible.

Adwords? Adsurd!

Backlinks? Backbacon!

Pixies? Some say “yes,” some say “no,” some say “PPC PHP R-E-S-P-E-C-T sock it to me sock it to me sock it to me…”

Are you #1 yet? Of course not. Are you higher than #37,900,002? Don’t be ridiculous! Ha-ha-ha! Foolish mortal! You won’t even get close until you’re fully engaged and rumoured to be eloped with all available platforms: bus platforms, train platforms, political platforms, platform shoes. Are you on Noodle? Noodle+? Woozle? PutThat? GratuiTousCapiTals? SparkleLust? Why Not? (That’s not a question; that’s the name of a peer-pressure-positive social platform.) Igwanna? Malarkee? Bunderfuzzle? WoodenBoardWithCrookedNails? Should I Continue? (That’s a question.)

Once you’re on every platform (i.e. you’ll never be) you’ll require constant self-awareness, narcissism and fresh socks to make a go of it. With perseverance and a little luck, your being rank will be incrementally higher than it was, but probably not.

Finally, don’t forget to be good looking and rich. Be generous with drinks.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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30 Responses to Get your SEO-face on

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    Ross, this was truly hashtag-terrific. (Did I do that right?)

  2. Reblogged this on What The Hell and commented:
    Sound advice from our digital media guru to the north… (i.e., Canada). It makes as much sense as anything else I’ve read about this stuff!

  3. Paul says:

    Dear Rosemary Won;

    My personal being ranking is 1,765,834,413 – it seems that more of us have been born while you weren’t looking. Since you have the best personal ranking of anyone I know (currently ranked #37,900,002) I was wondering if you could spare the time to offer me a few tips on how to maximize my optimization. I believe honesty is the best place to start any business relationship so here it is: I’m old enough to be a grandfather; my 90 year old best friend – Mr. Thisbytes – from down the hall passed away and my ranking went up by 1; my flowing locks have long since flown away; I’m neither rich nor good-looking; I type with two fingers (one when I’m drinking); when I tried to increase my bounce quotient, the trampoline broke; the only platforms I’m aware of were shoes back when the 70’s passed (in a blur, I might add); I’ve never been able to verbify a noun; I wake up every morning to tweeting – of birds outside my window; and finally, I only know the meaning of half the words in this technical post you authored.

    If you can find it in your selflessness and givingosity to offer me a few pointers on how to reach a ranking of even 1,765,834,410 (baby steps, baby steps) without the passing of any more friends, I’d be most grateful.

    Yours with persimmons (practicing standing out with keywords – how am I doing?),

    Libatious Thatbytes

  4. Katie says:

    “the unexamined life is not worth uploading.” Oh that’s good, that’s very good.

    I think I’m finally qualified to add “SEO” to the skills category of my resume. Well. Technically it’s already there, but it’s less of a lie, now.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I am still not unconvinced that SEO is the greatest hoax of our time. That much jargon must be hiding something.

      Thanks for coming by, by the way. I feel better now.

  5. El Guapo says:

    If you’re going to synergize the buzzwords, I suggest you give them a good 360 degree look before they are bedded in.

  6. goldfish says:

    Damn, I haven’t been paying nearly enough attention to my flappilation score. Thanks for the excellent advice.

    USA! USA!! We’re #1! Wooo!!! Suck it, Canada!!1!

  7. ksbeth says:

    i have the highest rapscallion score in my county. 7 years in a row.

  8. List of X says:

    I must have found your post because of your impressive SEO skills. Whenever I read something about SEO, it’s usually some spam comment telling me that I’m missing on 300 visitors a day – but since, I think, that means that everyone except those 300 people already reads my blog, and that’s a lot already, I figured that I didn’t need any of these SEO’s things.

  9. I am astonished that flashing gang signs has gone from the dirty, dangerous streets of Compton to the quiet, safe, lily white suburbs. How, in bog’s name, did that happen? Was it Madison Avenue trickery? What a transition!

    Key word that.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      The Municipality of Compton is located a convenient 20 minutes from my house and is the birthplace of Louis St. Laurent, Canada’s 12th and most innocuous Prime Minister. There is a museum in the general store his father used to run. Hand signs mean completely different things in Compton, Quebec. For example, the W sign means “Wash Your Hands Frequently.” I understand your confusion.

  10. buntymcc says:

    Dear #37,900,002,
    Had to Google SEO, so doesn’t augur well. Also Googled my name. Seems I died in County Wicklow a year ago January, but was re-incarnated as a youth soccer coach in County Monaghan. Go figure – maybe I’m #1.4billion3? Doesn’t help to use more than one name either, dear Rosemary.

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  12. cat9984 says:

    You are nowhere near that high on the cat popularity scale. Just sayin’

  13. benzeknees says:

    It also doesn’t hurt if you have lots & lots & lots of money! People just love to talk about people with money & so they will up your quotient scores. Or if not, then you can hire people to do all the necessary uploading for you!

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