Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there is in turning up your iPod and avoiding eye contact with that homeless person.
As far as possible without surrender answer texts promptly, for they may reply with equal haste and your sense of self-worth will be restored.
Speak your truth emphatically in comment sections, with outrage and capital letters, for your truth is the one truth, and all others are doody-heads. Of those whose truth does not align with yours, have pity, but unfriend regardless.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become bitter, which is a sure sign you should ask your boss for a raise. Until then, take the time to help yourself to office supplies, for they will not be missed.
Enjoy your achievements and post them online with feigned humility.
Update your profile picture, for it will generate multiple “likes” and you shall feel validated.
Avoid speaking with criticism and anger but instead send it in an email.
Keep interest in Jennifer Lawrence, however insignificant; for whether she is the new face of female empowerment or merely a charming talk-show guest, she is surely a cutie.
Exercise caution in your business affairs and know that “1234” is the worst of all possible passwords.
Are you sure you want to permanently delete this file?
Be not blind to virtue, but refrain from posting sentimental videos of humans snuggling with lions entitled “You won’t believe what happens next!” for it will only lead to unrealistic expectations and maulings.
Be yourself, for those emails promising pleasuring all-night-love enhancement never pan out. Especially, do not fake your dating profile, for you are not fooling anyone.
Know that a well-placed pop culture reference may substitute for genuine wit, but do not go so far as to quote in their entirety Monty Python sketches.
Do not be afraid to tell others, “I simply do not get LinkedIn,” for you are not alone.
Refrain from sending Candy Crush requests, for you will be hastily blocked.
Beware of obstacles that lie in your path, especially if you are looking at your cell phone screen in the dark.
Be not critical of “Duck Dynasty,” for in the face of all vacuity and tastelessness, it is really doing no harm.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, for at your age you are only embarrassing yourself with that Tumblr account.
Avoid the faddish and the trendy, and understand that yoga is the Oprah’s Book Club of fitness.
Find solace in the knowledge that everyone totally agrees that music piracy is a victimless crime.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. You should blog about that.
Be aware that a Pinterest account reflects poorly on your masculinity.
Delete your browser history.
You are a child of the Twitterverse, no less than Jay-Z and other stars; you have a right to be heard.
And whether or not you follow more people than follow you, no doubt your brilliant tweet will be retweeted as it should.
Therefore be at peace with your iPhone, whatever version it may be.
And whatever your selfies and aps, in the noisy confusion of life, be sure to back up your files, and don’t waste your time with Google-Plus.
With all its spam, viruses and the end of privacy, it is still a beautiful world. Instagram it. Strive to go viral.
You can hear the cheesy AM radio version of this piece via the Grooveshark widget above (non-mobile only) or via CBC Radio “Breakaway,” where it first aired on May 25, 2014.