It is with great pleasure and a scoop of ice cream on the side that I announce today that I have been acquired by Google.
After many long hours of negotiations, plus minutes of Greco-Roman wrestling and one romantic weekend in New Hampshire that was this close to being truly magical, Google and I hammered out an Agreement in Principle last week. Principle is located just outside Boston and is known as the Agreement Hammering Capital of New England. (“Principle: Where Good Times Are Contractually Obligated!”)
I am unable at this juncture to reveal the financial terms of the agreement with Google, mostly because I don’t fully understand them. I can, however, confirm that there are “terms” and that “financials” are involved. Google has also given me a car, and it is red and shiny, and that’s all I know.
In exchange, Google will have access to my entire knowledge base, which has stood the test of some super-epic games of Trivial Pursuit, I’m not going to lie. Everyone totally says I should be on “Jeopardy.” (Hi, Mom!)
Google will also acquire ownership of everything I have ever written, including some pretty embarrassing messages I posted on an ex-girlfriend’s Facebook wall one night after too many Mai Tais, which, by Google threatening to make them public, certainly helped us hammer out the aforementioned deal.
Google will also have access to my guest room with two-hours’ notice and can borrow my box set of “The Prisoner” at any time. I have to do Google’s laundry for a year.
Also under the agreement, Google retains all rights to the registered brands Ross Murray®, That Ross Murray is Quite the Catch®, I Bet All Those Ex-Girlfriends Are Sorry They Dumped Ross Murray Now® as well as all future related brands, including but not limited to Ross Murray Is A Big Fat Sell-Out®, Ross Murray Is Pretty Full Of Himself, Isn’t He® and Jerk-Face®.
I know what you’re thinking: “If my spouse really loved me, there would be more back rubs.” But some of you might also be thinking, “Oh, great. Another way cool person with surprisingly smooth dance moves swallowed up by megalithic Google.” To these people I say, “Perhaps if you offered back rubs yourself, the gesture would be reciprocated.” Also: “I don’t think you’re using ‘megalithic’ in the correct sense.”
Rest assured that under Google ownership the only change you’ll see in me is change for the better. And maybe some new shoes. I’m also thinking of getting that laser surgery on my eyes, but the very idea of lasers searing my eyeballs gives me the creepity-creeps. I can barely do eye drops.
Under the Google brand, readers will continue to get the delightfully droll ruminations they’ve come to sort of love, only now the topics and vocabulary will be tailored to their specific tastes using Google’s topic-plotting algorithms along with me sneaking around and peering over readers’ shoulders. By the way, Mrs. Hester Phlebitis of 168 Woop-de-Doo, you should consider changing your privacy settings, and perhaps your front door locks.
For example, using this technique – what I like to call the Algorithm Method – some readers won’t see that entire previous paragraph because their user history indicates that they don’t enjoy reading how the Internet is slowly stealing our free will, not to mention our sense of curiosity and discovery, one preference-narrowed search result at at time. Other readers may not see it because their user history indicates they don’t enjoy reading things that are really stupid.
Instead, those readers will see this photo of adorable Cocker Spaniel puppies sleeping in a case:
If you don’t see the photo of the puppies, it may be that your user history indicates you don’t like photos of sleeping Cocker Spaniels, in which case you should call the morgue because you’re obviously dead inside.
If, on the other hand, you see a photo of supermodel Kate Upton in a thong riding a tricycle, shame on you!
I’m looking forward to this new relationship and being part of the mildly intrusive Google family, and I’m sure it won’t be long before you and everything you hold dear will be part of the Google family, too.
Oh, and under the terms of the agreement, please refer to me from now on as “Mary.”