Google’s got me

It is with great pleasure and a scoop of ice cream on the side that I announce today that I have been acquired by Google.

After many long hours of negotiations, plus minutes of Greco-Roman wrestling and one romantic weekend in New Hampshire that was this close to being truly magical, Google and I hammered out an Agreement in Principle last week. Principle is located just outside Boston and is known as the Agreement Hammering Capital of New England. (“Principle: Where Good Times Are Contractually Obligated!”)

I am unable at this juncture to reveal the financial terms of the agreement with Google, mostly because I don’t fully understand them. I can, however, confirm that there are “terms” and that “financials” are involved. Google has also given me a car, and it is red and shiny, and that’s all I know.

In exchange, Google will have access to my entire knowledge base, which has stood the test of some super-epic games of Trivial Pursuit, I’m not going to lie. Everyone totally says I should be on “Jeopardy.” (Hi, Mom!)

Google will also acquire ownership of everything I have ever written, including some pretty embarrassing messages I posted on an ex-girlfriend’s Facebook wall one night after too many Mai Tais, which, by Google threatening to make them public, certainly helped us hammer out the aforementioned deal.

Google will also have access to my guest room with two-hours’ notice and can borrow my box set of “The Prisoner” at any time. I have to do Google’s laundry for a year.

Also under the agreement, Google retains all rights to the registered brands Ross Murray®, That Ross Murray is Quite the Catch®, I Bet All Those Ex-Girlfriends Are Sorry They Dumped Ross Murray Now® as well as all future related brands, including but not limited to Ross Murray Is A Big Fat Sell-Out®, Ross Murray Is Pretty Full Of Himself, Isn’t He® and Jerk-Face®.

I know what you’re thinking: “If my spouse really loved me, there would be more back rubs.” But some of you might also be thinking, “Oh, great. Another way cool person with surprisingly smooth dance moves swallowed up by megalithic Google.” To these people I say, “Perhaps if you offered back rubs yourself, the gesture would be reciprocated.” Also: “I don’t think you’re using ‘megalithic’ in the correct sense.”

Rest assured that under Google ownership the only change you’ll see in me is change for the better. And maybe some new shoes. I’m also thinking of getting that laser surgery on my eyes, but the very idea of lasers searing my eyeballs gives me the creepity-creeps. I can barely do eye drops.

Under the Google brand, readers will continue to get the delightfully droll ruminations they’ve come to sort of love, only now the topics and vocabulary will be tailored to their specific tastes using Google’s topic-plotting algorithms along with me sneaking around and peering over readers’ shoulders. By the way, Mrs. Hester Phlebitis of 168 Woop-de-Doo, you should consider changing your privacy settings, and perhaps your front door locks.

For example, using this technique – what I like to call the Algorithm Method – some readers won’t see that entire previous paragraph because their user history indicates that they don’t enjoy reading how the Internet is slowly stealing our free will, not to mention our sense of curiosity and discovery, one preference-narrowed search result at at time. Other readers may not see it because their user history indicates they don’t enjoy reading things that are really stupid.

Instead, those readers will see this photo of adorable Cocker Spaniel puppies sleeping in a case:

puppies!

If you don’t see the photo of the puppies, it may be that your user history indicates you don’t like photos of sleeping Cocker Spaniels, in which case you should call the morgue because you’re obviously dead inside.

If, on the other hand, you see a photo of supermodel Kate Upton in a thong riding a tricycle, shame on you!

I’m looking forward to this new relationship and being part of the mildly intrusive Google family, and I’m sure it won’t be long before you and everything you hold dear will be part of the Google family, too.

Oh, and under the terms of the agreement, please refer to me from now on as “Mary.”

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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52 Responses to Google’s got me

  1. OMGoogle, Ross!
    You make me laugh…loudly and no one is even awake in this house yet. Perhaps I’ll rustle up that photo of Kate U. and offer it in peace to the hubby I just woke up 🙂

  2. El Guapo says:

    I saw an announcement about this in my Lycos chat room.

  3. List of X says:

    So are you saying Rosemary® is still available? 🙂
    P.S. it was a unicycle.

  4. pieterk515 says:

    Ok Mary, what’s next for Ross?

  5. Twindaddy says:

    I didn’t see anything here. Did you post an empty article?

  6. Paul says:

    Oh No Ross! They got to you. I can’t believe it. I knew this post was published because I saw your face, in a “GOOGLE” ad where they’ve made your glasses the two “O”‘s. Under it, it said “Have a Mary Day!” It’ll never be the same now that we can’t call you Ross anymore. About the red car – does it by any chance have a 360 degree camera mounted on the roof? If it does, and they send you a route plan daily, they’re using you Ross, be careful! As sad as it is that you’ve caved under pressure, I can understand. I read the other day that Google assimilated the Borg. How could a young vulnerable fella like you ever have a chance to resist the heinous take-over of your work, when even the space-going race that had once permeated and controlled the galaxy with fear has fallen to the clutches of the “GOOG”, as they are now being called. Dear God, it is all over now Mary (the author formerly known as Ross). **Sob** Good-Bye, my cherished friend. “And now the end is near, I say a prayer…” **Sob**

  7. Ned's Blog says:

    That explains the Kate Upton Gravitar.

  8. markbialczak says:

    You forgot to mention Google Plus, Ross. And at the start of such a beautiful new relationship! Quick, look to see if the car is still in your driveway.

  9. ksbeth says:

    google glasses for everyone

  10. I am doing some scientific research. How many Mai Tais is too many? A) 1, B) 2, C) 3, D) 7, E) You can never drink too much while you are drinking.

  11. goldfish says:

    Lasers searing my eyeballs gives me the creepity-creeps, too.

    Great, now all of my searches will be tailored with laser-seared eyeballs and creeps. I hope you’re happy.

  12. byebyebeer says:

    One of my biggest regrets is selling our Prisoner boxset on ebay years back. Obviously, I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life so far. I was just going to make an obscure Brady Bunch joke that required a lot of googling and realized I’m part of the problem. Oh look, cocker spaniel puppies!

  13. Chris Brown (not the felon) says:

    I tried googling this to see if it’s actually true. All I got was a picture of Newt Gingrich riding a tricycle in a thong. I think I need to find Joseph and his technicolor dreamcoat to interpret THAT one.

  14. Elyse says:

    I clicked on this blog to get away from puppies — the razor teeth of one to be exact!

  15. Melanie Cutting says:

    Sorry Ross, you lost me with this one.

  16. cat9984 says:

    You’re making this up. Google never lets its acquisitions talk for themselves.

  17. One of us.
    One of us.
    One of us.

    You make light but our children’s children will all be walking around with Pentium microprocessing chips implanted under their skin. For real.

  18. buntymcc says:

    And I kept waiting for the big reveal that you were leaving WordPress and moving to Blogger. Tangents it’s not so.

  19. Nic says:

    I can’t even deal with how hilarious this piece is. Like, every other sentence I was dying. Although I DID see the puppies in a case, so at least I’m still alive and won’t have to call/e-mail the morgue.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      You? Of course you see the puppies!
      You reminded me of a joke my middle daughter told me: Why are white girls bad at math?
      They can’t even.
      Hmmm… that joke might be funnier when a white girl tells it.

  20. Scarlet says:

    This is my first comment here, but I was so enamoured by the cute spaniels that I have completely forgotten what I was going to write. Or maybe Google wiped my mind?
    Sx

  21. benzeknees says:

    I saw beautiful puppies!

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