2. Dogs are always willing to just hang out.
3. Dogs are always excited to see you, even if you’ve been gone for only five minutes.
4. Dogs never ask you why you ran off like that screaming, “All the real estate signs! The agents! Staring at me!”
5. Dogs will lick your face and never ask if that’s booze they smell on your breath.
6. You can rub dogs’ bellies without them getting all weird about it.
7. Dogs never carry concealed weapons.
8. When I was 11 years old and on vacation in Nevada, an old ranch hand named Dingus Floyd told me that if I put my hand on an electric fence, I’d get calluses that would make all the girls go “Hootey-hoot woo-ee!” (his words). I was a sensitive boy, because of the horseback riding, and I trusted him, though why, I don’t know; he wore an old T-shirt that read “Don’t Trust Me, Dang Fool!” He had written it in ketchup. Anyway, I touched the fence and the shock was so bad I wet my authentic Western chaps, and Dingus Floyd laughed and laughed. Dogs don’t care if you wet your authentic chaps. And they certainly don’t write it up in the ranch newsletter.
9. If you cover yourself with raw meat, dogs think you are absolutely the coolest and not just a “habitual meat waster” who really needs to “get help” and “off the carpet.”
10. Dogs won’t eat grapes.
11. Dogs are a great way to meet people but people are not a great way to meet dogs.
12. Dogs don’t have to wear pants. (True fact: this is where the expression “lucky dog” comes from.)
13. But they will wear pants if you want them to. They can wear funny hats and lacy things and sunglasses and they’ll let you take their picture, and you can put the picture in a photo album, and then, late at night, when you’re snuggling together in your meat suit, you can say, “Oh, Barksome, remember that time with the glittering espadrilles?” And then you can get the photo album out without worrying about waking anyone up because they’ve all relocated to their so-called “safe house.”
14. Dogs come when you call them, unlike you, Janine!
15. A dog will always be honest with you but not brutally honest, if you know what I mean.
16. Dogs won’t turn you in to the authorities.
17. You can listen to Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” over and over again and dogs will never storm out of the house.
18. Dogs rarely get offended when you laugh and say, “Look at the way her bum wiggles when she walks!”
19. Dogs are better than people but people are way better than cats. Just putting that out there.
20. You can sell dogs.