A stiff one

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Winter in Canada: an endless, bleak landscape of snow and cold, without hope or pity, the unrelenting harshness chipping away at your very humanity – unless you’re a visitor to our fair province, in which case, “Bienvenue! Joie d’hiver! Pull up a toboggan! You look positively chic in that balaclava!”

Getting through the Canadian winter takes stamina. It takes imagination. It takes liquor. Sometimes it takes all three combined. Such is the case in this complicated but ultimately numbing recipe for Nognog Nog (Vache de la Croissant), a traditional Quebec drink that has been passed down through my family for over three weeks.

Here’s what you’ll need:

40 oz. strong liquor – rum, vodka, gin, any Axe product, etc.
1 litre fresh-squealed pineapple juice*
2 tbsp. Banjee’s Tribal Sunspot Drops (available at most respectable haberdashers)
3.5 ml nutmeg grouts
20 oz. rubbing alcohol (for sterilizing only, probably)
3.14159 cups sugar
4 Monopoly pieces (optional)
1 lb suet
11 Sweet Tarts (not optional; I SAID NOT OPTIONAL!)
A pinch of marzipan
A speck of saltines
A grimble of grahams
2 litres de-homogenized milk (available at most disrespectable haberdashers)

*Did I write “fresh-squealed”? That’s embarrassing. I meant “fresh-squeaked.”

1. Pour liquor into punch bowl, reserving one cup for marinade and occasional nips.

2. Google “Nipsey Russell.” Whatever happened to him?

3. Add pineapple juice in a centrifugal manner.

4. Place Banjee’s Drops in a stirrup for six hours to sublimate. You should probably do this first. So this should be 1. You know what? Just start again. You have more strong liquor, right? Of course you do.

5. Tediously add the sublimated Banjee Drops to the punch bowl.

6. Add nutmeg grouts to the mixture. Remove immediately. Faster! Your guests are gyrating with thirst!

7. Gaze forlornly through your kitchen window, transformed into a dazzling prism of frost, and recall your childhood, so full of promise, and young love’s first kiss, with Angelique, and her terrier, and her oblong birthmark, and dreams of a happier future where a woman would not be judged by the size of her moustache. Sigh. Have a nip. No, not that kind…

8. Nap.

9. Sterilize the tureens.

10. Don’t forget to buy tureens.

11. What the hell are tureens?

12. Add sugar to punch, stirring incessantly.

13. Complain about Quebec politics/culture/the Montreal Canadiens. (This is what makes it a traditional recipe.)

14. Forget about the Monopoly pieces. It was a stupid idea.

15. Divide suet in two equal parts. Ask a guest to hand you half the suet. Then ask your guest, “Suet to me one more time.” Discard suet. Totally worth it.

16. Gnash the Sweet Tarts and sprinkle on top of punch along with marzipan, saltines and grahams. Pretty, huh?

17. Add milk to punch and call in the neighbours to watch it curdle. Trust me: it’s winter; they have nothing better to do.

18. Strain through a hockey sweater while speaking with a French accent like beloved author Roch Carrier. (If you are French, you can speak with an English accent like Jacques Parizeau.)

19. Pour into sterilized tureens and serve to guests. There; that should get rid of them.

A version of this post originally appeared at www.lifeinquebec.com

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Canada and/or Quebec, Holidays, Never Happened and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to A stiff one

  1. pinklightsabre says:

    So full of premise.

  2. Now that’s the Canada I know.

  3. Paul says:

    It’s the deep rooted traditions like this that really make a society truly unique – very, very unique – in fact so unique that it is irreplicable. You should have a Not WithStanding Clause in your Nognog Nog. Vive Le Bonhomme!

    Hilarious Ned!

  4. I hate myself for saying this but this post made me laugh out loud. I will try this on future party guests and see where it gets me (hopefully, sat on my own with a large glass of wine and the TV)!

    Happy New Year!

    Soph x

  5. I have a feeling I’ll be Nognog Noggin’ on heaven’s door if I attempt this.

  6. Ned's Blog says:

    Just for sharing this special Canadian reciprocity *hiccup* I’d like to share a special little drink from America. All you need is bloody Mary mix, vodka and a spoonful of raspberry Jell-O. It’s a drinky-poo we like to call a Blood Clot.

    Enjoy and Happy New Year!

  7. ksbeth says:

    it sounds like the perfect recipe. might i suggest you add a tambourine?

  8. franhunne4u says:

    OK, got the alcohol, the Monopoly pieces and the milk – … are the other ingredients essential – or can I just replace them with more aldo … aclo … y no wat ..

  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    I haven’t lived in Canada since I was a kid (was there from 3rd grade to 7th), but I STILL remember the cold winters on the Saskatchewan prairie. Brrrrrr!

  10. An endless, bleak landscape of snow and cold also described my career. Bullseye.

    Did you know there’s a rapper named Nipsey Hustle? For real.

    As long as one of the steps isn’t “simultaneously pat your head and rub your tummy,” I’m good to go.

  11. goldfish says:

    Respectable haberdashers are really branching out these days, eh? I suppose they have to with all those disreputable haberdashers popping up all over. And don’t even get me started on the big box haberdasher chains moving into towns across North America and killing mom and pop haberdasher outfits.

  12. I hate to break it to you — Nipsey Russell is dead.

  13. List of X says:

    By the time this drink is finally made, even the long Canadian winter should be over – which I believe is the entire purpose for making this drink.

  14. markbialczak says:

    Hooooooooo-Dooooooggie! Nipsy Russell would love this drink, Ross.

  15. kerbey says:

    I’ve never heard of Banjee’s Drops, but I like to say that: Banjee. I recall Nipsey as the Tin Man in “The Wiz.” Didn’t he say, “You’re not just flim-flamming an old flim-flammer, are you?” Props for a Captain and Tenille reference.

  16. Letizia says:

    I was looking for a New Year’s eve drink, perfect!

  17. Elyse says:

    Thanks for this and the other laughs of 2014. Happy New Year.

  18. Sold at…haberdashers? What, right next to the maddening mercury?

    Say, if I don’t drink, can I substitute the liquor with its base ingredient? Just stick a potato and some sugar canes in the bowl instead?

  19. Would this recipe work on getting rid of lingering in-laws?
    I’m asking for a friend….

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