For your consideration: The 9th and 10th Oscar-nominated films

The Blindest Spot

ansonwilliamsA story of triumph over adversity, dreams over tragedy and eggs over easy. Set in a futuristic Brooklin after the letter Y has been outlawed, the film tells the story of Branflake Dodson (Anson “Potsie” Williams in a stunning and unnecessary comeback), a humble custodian at a two-bit wax museum who works the night shift polishing the Kardashians (brilliantly portrayed by one-and-a-half Olsen twins and a CGI rutabaga).

Branflake’s dream is to become a cab driver. In a touching moment of inspiration over ignorance, numerators over denominators and somewhere over the rainbow, Branflake tells his best friend, the fortune-telling, transgendered, paraplegic former NFL player known as The Magnificent Pam (Taylor Swift in a game-changing tour-de-force), “People gots ta move. They gots ta move places, all da time, all da time. That’s where dey’s goin’. An’ I wanna git them there. Tha’ be somethin’… Now, quit breathin’ that ol’ garlic breath on me, you damn Pam!”

Unfortunately, Branflake suffers from distationmentia, a congenital inability to parallel park. He is also racially discriminated against for going around talking like an old black man.

When a mishap at the wax museum involving a model train and a car battery causes the Mariah Carey to blister, Branflake loses his job. Then, because he has spent his savings on taking the cab driver’s test over and over (a series of vignettes, mostly involving car collisions, set to the Guess Who’s “Follow Your Daughter Home”), Branflake is evicted from his apartment and forced to take a room at the _MCA.

But among the cars Branflake backs into is one driven by Garnetta McFloyd (Jennifer “Of Course” Lawrence), a jaded reporter with SkyCloud Network, the world’s sole remaining news outlet. Outrage softens to intrigue which mellows to fascination before finally leaking onto the floor as friendship as Garnetta learns Branflake’s story and decides to pull one last heist before retiring for good. Then she remembers she isn’t an international jewel thief and opts instead to tell Branflake’s story to the world.

In the end, Garnetta learns a simple truth about simple people: they are simple. Because of her story, an inventor (Tim Curry in his final role) remembers that this is the future and invents a hover-cab that can simply lower itself into parking places. The entire borough of Brooklin comes out to cheer Branflake as he drives his first cab. “Hip-hip-hoora!” they cry.

Settling the cab down as the triumphant music swells, Branflake turns to the camera and says with a wink, “I guess dese be my ‘Happy Days.’” But because he used the letter Y, he is arrested and thrown into a federal penal colony (Sir Elton John).

The End?

 

Pants Me to the End of Love

Set during the brief but revealing upheaval of Hungary’s Pantsing Movement of 1893, this historical de-costume drama is a labour of love for writer-director Watta Gabor, whose ancestors were among both the pantsers and the pantsed.

The movement had its origins as a revolt against repressive social convention and elastic waistbands but soon became politicized under the leadership of Olav Myloff, the late century’s most persuasive and prolific pantser, portrayed with poise and panache by Zach Galifianakis in his first serious but not really very serious role.

Pants Me follows Myloff from his humble beginnings as a self-taught autodidact to his days in Budapest preaching the virtues of allowing “pants to succumb to gravity as God intended.”

“They may bring us to our knees, but our britches will be pooled around them!” shouts Myloff, attracting the attention of the authorities and some sleeping neighbours.

Through moments of doubt and long periods of goosebumps, Myloff is spurred on by his wife, Trilitta Tendrenas (Jennifer “Again?” Lawrence), who as a child was forbidden to even gaze upon pants, and who, through love, has overcome her fear of watch fobs.

But soon, the movement, like Myloff’s pants, becomes bigger than him. All of Hungary (except the northeast tippy-tip for reasons the film glosses over) is overwhelmed by people in the streets protesting with their pants down. However, by the time of the Million Man Waddle, there are those who feel that pantsing is a matter of choice, while a more fanatical fringe believes that the public should be forcibly pantsed. In short, there’s a split in the Pants Movement.

In the end, once the cold weather sets in, the Pants Movement shrivels. But, as the film makes clear, today we honour those who pantsed before us by pantsing those in front of us.

Also nominated for Best Original Song: “Pants of Fire” by Bruce Springsteen.

Advertisements

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Never Happened and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

41 Responses to For your consideration: The 9th and 10th Oscar-nominated films

  1. While this is very funny, I have no doubt that some idiot in Hollywood has already done treatments with similar story lines, if what we see in the theaters is any indication. Thanks for starting my morning off with a laugh, Ross!

  2. I don’t know how your brain works, but I like it. CGI Rutabegga and pants sucumbing to gravity as God intended…good laughs.

  3. Paul says:

    Ummm, my brain is still trying to catch up (maybe “ketchup” would be more appropriate). Very, ummm , original – yeah, that’s the word, original – I have to go discuss this with the neighbor’s cat before I can comment further.

    Oh, as an aside, i did a guest post over at Cordelia’s Mom and I would be honored if you have the time to drop by for a read. http://cordeliasmomstill.com/2015/02/19/the-learning-curve-guest-post-by-paul-curran/comment-page-1/#comment-8949 Thank You! 😀

  4. byebyebeer says:

    I overcame a bad case of distationmentia with daily forced desensitization therapy. Then some asshole sideswiped my car and now I can only parallel park on the left side of the street. I realized today I find everything about Potsie comforting. His stupid smile, his real name (Anson sounds dreamy, no?), plus Branflake is what I would have named the son I never had. I’m not sure what it all means, but I enjoyed this. Thank you.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Glad to help, in some deep-seated way.
      Did you know that, here in Quebec at least, they no longer teach kids to parallel park? They have to take a mandatory, year-long driver’s ed course but there they all are, driving around and around the block until they can find a spot they can just slide into. Me, I love parallel parking. I feel like a superhero.

      • byebyebeer says:

        Now that you mention it, I don’t recall parallel parking lessons either (shakes fist in general direction of 1990). I could offer weak parallels about how learning to parallel park prepares a young person for life.

  5. Shouldn’t Branflake have been thrown into a penal colon?

  6. markbialczak says:

    I’m more in for Potsie, Ross, as I like my period pieces to come at the end of shorter sentences. It would be too much of a Gabor of love to sit through scenes of pantsing and depantsing from two centuries ago. One never knows what the Academy will wrought, though …

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Honestly, I don’t know how you can sit through all the films you do. I used to love movies but I’ve lost patience. They seem so formulaic.
      My money’s on American Sniper because America.

      • markbialczak says:

        I’m rooting for ‘Boyhood,’ Ross, because America.

        My film critic gig calls for one review a week, which keeps me from being overwhelmed. Some people may even call me underwhelming? 🙂

  7. Letizia says:

    I kept reading the summary of Pants me with the English meaning of pants (underpants). It made for some interesting visuals in my mind…

  8. Ha! 🙂 However, as one one of your earlier commentators said, Hollywood may already be working on something similar. 🙂

  9. goldfish says:

    It’s no wonder they were nominated. Although, my mind wandered and I found myself staring off into space during the third and eight paragraphs, but the endings were good.

  10. Carrie Rubin says:

    Wow, I haven’t thought of Potsie for years. Sounds like a story that needs to be told…

  11. Yahooey says:

    Personally, I’d vote for panting Hungarians. A steamy scene with Tim Curry seducing a shark might have changed my preference.

  12. ksbeth says:

    if i take in too much of bran flake, i may miss the second half of the film.

  13. I’m not sick of Jennifer Lawrence yet! Not by a long shot. What’s with this “again?” business? She’s real, man.

    Follow Your Daughter Home has just the right amount of flute and bongos go give it that early-70’s calypso vibe. It sent me into a spiral-wormhole of early 70’s pop hits. Damn you to hell, YouTube. Speaking of music, do you remember when Potsie tried to launch a singing career? Awful. That’s why I have no interest in fame. Everyone sees you fail. I prefer to fail in private.

  14. Ned's Blog says:

    I laughed.
    I cried.
    I split my pants.
    Seriously, this is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Really well done! 😉

  15. Rats. Ned stole my “I laughed, I cried” comment. This is true — While I laughed all the way through, this sentence stopped me in my tracks and after reading it a couple more times, it still strikes me as exceedingly funny. I don’t know why: Branflake is evicted from his apartment and forced to take a room at the _MCA.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I’m tickled, because I worried that that might be a “huh?” moment. But you! You are one attentive hippie.
      (It just occurs to me that I have not yet responded, “You like me! You really like me!”)

  16. List of X says:

    Now why did you have to go and give away all the endings?

Go ahead, don't be shy.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s