The only workout you’ll never need

Learn how to fall down in style.  Photo: www.leanitup.com

Learn how to fall down in style.
Photo: http://www.leanitup.com

One of the main reasons people avoid going to the gym is because gyms are stupid.

If people need another reason to avoid the gym, it’s because, like many things we try for the first time, gyms can be strange and intimidating, the difference being that most other things we try for the first time don’t involve tight shorts and being harshly judged by strangers.

That’s why I’ve perfected the You Don’t Have To Go To The Gym To Work Out Workout™, or YDHTGTTGTWOW™ for short, or The Ross Workout™ for even shorter. Honestly, I don’t know why you’d call it by the longer name at all, unless you want to work out your tongue. HA-HA!

(Please note that the YDHTGTTGTWOW™ does not work out your tongue. For more on tongue workouts, read my best-selling pamphlet “Ithn’t There Thomething I Can Do to Thtrengthen My Tongue? Yeth!”)

So lose the tight shorts, but please do wear something in case company drops by, and let’s get working out the Ross Way™!

Forget it: you'll never be this happy working out.

Forget it: you’ll never be this happy working out. Photo: http://www.health.com

I Want to Know What Lunge Is
Stretching is key to any workout because it effectively delays the actual working out. (See my Oscar-nominated self-help video “Putting the ‘Pro’ in ‘Procrastination’” [VHS only].) Before you can work your muscles and your bendy parts, you need to make sure you have some. This is what ZZ Top were on about when they sang, “She got legs/She knows how to use them/She never begs/She knows how to choose them.” Choose what, exactly? Her legs? Are legs optional? This is what you need to find out. Bend and stretch to reach into the far back of that cabinet where you keep your most embarrassing 80s albums. If you can do this, you got legs and probably arms.

And don’t forget your loins. As if you could…

Pecs-ual Healing
Upper body strength is critical to being able to stand up in strong winds without flopping over. And with extreme weather ever more likely due to global warming, this will become increasingly important. Thanks for nothing, Stephen Harper!

To develop your upper body without people pointing at you and laughing (see my tear-drenched diary entry “Core Beliefs: Why Those Guys at the Gym Are Big, Fat Meanies”), you don’t need fancy machines or weights. Heavy things are all around you. Now, now, stop looking at your mother-in-law. This is not an Adam Sandler movie.

Instead, take that sofa. Pick it up and move it to the other side of the room. Now move it back. One more time. A little to the left. A little more. There. But if it’s going to stay there, we’re going to need new drapes. You can pay for them with the money you saved on gym memberships. Shopping is good cardio.

Totally Blips of the Heart
Speaking of cardio, a good workout is more than just flexing muscles, looking at yourself in the mirror and keeping your distance from creeps. It’s important to get your heart rate up. So coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.

workout

But… but… how?.. what? Photo: exercisingregularly.com

Take a Load Off My Fanny
Booty-wise, it’s a confusing age. Is it supposed to be small? Big? Not too big? Alarmingly round? How did we get here? Really, there’s not point to this. We’re sitting on it most of the time anyway. Let’s stop being ridiculous about rumps, forget our fannies and burn all the yoga pants. The YDHTGTTGTWOW™ has no time for tushies. I’m sorry I brought it up. (For further reading, see “Things I’m Sorry I Brought Up” written on the back of a cocktail napkin from The PomPom Palace.)

Arm Sexy and I Know It
For strong, toned arms that will make your friends wince with envy, take three fresh salmon fillets, drizzle with olive oil and lemon juice, garnish with dill, salt and pepper, wrap in foil and place under the broiler for 15 minutes. Oh, wait. Sorry. How embarrassing. Those are instructions for firm, sculpted abs.

I’m Hooked on the Ceiling
But what about equipment? What about complicated, potentially hazardous equipment? Don’t worry; The Ross Workout™ has that too. For only $29.99 plus shipping and shoving, you’ll get the Musclebungeetronic 3000™ complete with stretchy hook-like things, toggles, ratchets, dubious attachments and a full instruction booklet (“Your Musclebungeetronic 3000™: Don’t Do That!”). Simply attach your Musclebungeetronic 3000™ to an overhead fixture and enjoy a complete full-body workout. (Not responsible for damage to overhead fixtures or body.)

Use the YDHTGTTGTWOW™ for only three weeks and I guarantee you’ll have lost interest by week four – just like the real gym, only with the embarrassment and humiliation staying right in your home where they belong.

 

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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48 Responses to The only workout you’ll never need

  1. I stopped paying attention to exercise gurus once they started doing aerial and hot yoga. This is evidence that we have way, way too much time on our hands. Very funny post, Ross!

  2. Can I count drinking two morning cups of coffee as a workout? It sounds like with your plan I can. This is good news because I’m on the “You didn’t workout, you can’t have a beer” (YDWYCHAD) weight loss method.

  3. My gym membership expires on Monday… I’m kind of excited.

  4. pinklightsabre says:

    “I want to know what Lunge is. I want you to show me.”

    My god Lou Gramm. He can really belt it, about as much as you. Work in Midnight Blue if you can, sometimes. Sounds like a really bad softcore film.

  5. Yeah, the butt question is baffling, isn’t it? I remember people talking about Jennifer Lopez having a big butt, and thinking, “Wait, we’re supposed to think it’s bad? We’re supposed to think it should be boney?” It’s like “They” decided to stop creating a specific unattainable ideal and just confuse the hell out of everybody. Basically, I think the ideal butt we’re supposed to believe in is “A butt you, personally, don’t – and can never – have.”

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    Love your workout titles and the fact you’ve trademarked the “Ross Way.” Oops, make that the Ross Way™. And I’ll pretend my own heart didn’t almost stop when I saw the part about drinking more caffeine to get your heart rate up.

    Funny post! Loved it. 🙂

  7. Letizia says:

    “Alarmingly round” – some rears are exactly this. Hilarious!

  8. ksbeth says:

    my goal is always just to try to do any sort of repetitive movement without wetting myself. is that too much to ask?

  9. T.G. Forester says:

    You’re absolutely hilarious, good sir!

  10. I’m still thinking about sending you a check for a copy of the Procrastination video…Maybe tomorrow…

  11. Oh Rosemary – I have missed your wicked humor. Thanks for the chuckle. And i’m pretty sure that legs are optional. Or at least thighs. I’d like to take my calf muscles and replace my thighs with them. Then I’d be stylin’.

    My husband often wishes for pair (or is it a set?) of boobs on a woman’s back – so there’s twice the fun in hugging… do you have work out to build one’s back boobs? And not the ones that fall out of the bra-back area…I think that’s just plain old cottage cheese-y flab.

    I HAVE NEEDS!

    Oh and FUNICULAR! I like a special channel.

  12. The Ross Way is stellar!!!! When will your infomercials start?

    Great post! 🙂

  13. Paul says:

    Actually ever since our friend Ned did a multi-media presentation on the need for upper body strength to survive in the high winds of the coming climate change ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxF54730GCs ), I’ve been working on it. I can now lift three sharpened HB pencils at once – and as they wear down I can add even more. Oh, the other thing in Ned’s presentation was how to amuse the women in your life – definitely a necessity in case we are cut off from shopping malls, telephones and shoe stores. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67ulEyWMhhw )

  14. Tez says:

    I’m a star pupil – lift that mug up to my face, repeat until all liquid is consumed. Result = beautifully sculpted strong hand. Thanks Ross, you work-out genius you.

  15. Nothing to strengthen your core? Isn’t that the big gym buzzword now? Core? And when did a giant ass become fashionable? I missed the memo on that one. Gyms are boring, time consuming and painful. But I still try to drag my ass there (with limited success, I might add) because I need the eggs.

    One of my favorite forearm exercises is trying to tear my copy of Don’t Everyone Jump at Once in half. It’s not easy! Can you write a thinner tome next time?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      “I need the eggs” — I got that!
      In about a week, I’m getting about 80 copies of the book back from the publisher. So forget tearing them; now they’re weights.

  16. Ned's Blog says:

    I like big butts and I can not lie…

  17. Ned's Blog says:

    Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest (The song lyric, not a big butt), I just wanted to thank you for all of the humiliation and money you saved me with my purchase of the MuscleBungeeTronic 3000. Thanks to my MBT3K, I have been able to avoid the gym completely by spending my time sitting on the floor surrounded by straps, bungee cords and doohickies while working my facial muscles by looking perplexed…or is that per-FLEXED? Either way, thank you.
    — Satisfied U.S. customer

  18. I knew I’d been doing it all wrong!

  19. vsvevg says:

    Where can I get the put the PRO in Procrastinate pamphlet! 🙂

  20. markbialczak says:

    Don’t forget the spray bottle and spare towel to wipe off your own furniture and floor after your marvelously concocted Ross-ercises! You know, so you don’t get the stink eye from your fellow gyming room mates for your lil’ stink puddle?

  21. sweetsound says:

    I’ve got the coffee drinking down. The neighbors one floor above have the couch moving down.

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