Spirit of '98 -  Alaska's Inside Passage

Break me off a chunk of ice, Chester, I’m sweating.

Later this year, my wife and I will celebrate our 25th anniversary. I think we can all agree she deserves something nice.

Deb has always said she would love to go on a cruise. And not just any cruise. An Alaskan cruise. That’s Alaska, USA, by the way, not Alaska, Greece or Alaska, Barbados.

I’ve been putting it off all this time because she’s crazy. But also we’ve never been able to afford it. We have mouths to feed. And the two-legged members of the house are pretty expensive too.

But you only have one 25th anniversary. Actually, that’s not necessarily the case, although if you manage to have more than one 25th anniversary in your lifetime, you clearly have both commitment and procrastination issues.

I would like to take my wife on an Alaskan cruise, even though we still can’t afford it.

So please send me money.

I understand that’s how things get done these days. Crowdfunding, it’s called. I don’t know much about it other than someone says, “Here’s my project,” and then strangers say, “Here’s some money.” Simple. Go get your wallets, folks. I’ll wait.

Come to think of it, you’re not really strangers to me at all. You’re family. Or more like not-very-close cousins. And who doesn’t ask their not-very-close cousins for money all the time?

For the record, I don’t know much about Alaska either, other than what I learned from that show “Northern Exposure” and Sarah Palin. Both were eventually cancelled.

I think there are fjords up in Alaska. And with your help, I will be able to “a-fjord” to see them.

Are you back with that wallet yet?

You see, this fundraising campaign is not just about me. It’s mostly about me. But, as with many crowdfunding campaigns, there are benefits to you, the donor. For example, by making a cruise affordable for me (and my wife; nearly forgot about her!), you’re providing me with the much-needed rest that can only be provided by the pure Alaskan air and the semi-pure Alaskan moose and the state flower, the alpine forget-me-not, as I have decided maybe I better do a little research on this topic after all.

The aforementioned rest will allow me to come back rejuvenated so that you, the reader (my cousin!) will no longer have to suffer through lame fjord-based puns. And, really, isn’t that all you’ve wanted for the last three paragraphs?

Plus, you get to feel good about helping me. And feeling good feels good. My Alaskan cruise is like a big bowl of soup on a hot day. And Deb likes soup too. It’s a win-win-money-win situation. Really, you’d be doing yourself and all your cousins a favour.

Personal cheques are fine.

I continue to do research as I write this, because I owe you that much (but I don’t owe you money, just to be clear). Did you know that there is something called PetFundr? It’s a crowdfunding site to help pets in need. Sure, pets are cute, but can they enjoy an all-you-can-eat deck-side seafood buffet under the Northern Star, or as they call it in Alaska, “the Star”? No. Pets shouldn’t eat seafood, unless they’re pet whales, and they’re too big to need any help.

Why send money so that ol’ Shep in Sheboygan can undergo hip replacement surgery when you can help a beloved blogger celebrate a love that, like Pearl Jam, has been delighting audiences worldwide since 1990?

I might set up a PayPal account.

With some crowdfunding campaigns, there’s risk involved. But I can assure you that I will take your money and spend it on a cruise. You have my money-back guarantee on that, except, again, I’m not giving the money back. I will, however, post fjord-side photos of my wife and me on Facebook. If you’re still stuck on that PetFundr thing, because boohoo kittens, we’ll bring one of the cats along on the cruise, but it’s going to cost you extra!

You’ll be able to look at those photos and feel the satisfaction of a cruise well done. Maybe the photos will go viral, again a benefit to mankind.

The beauty of all this is that it takes only a small contribution from absolutely everybody reading this to create this magical opportunity. For me. And my wife. I know it’s a good thing to do, and Juneau it too.

Please, hurry, for everyone’s sake.


About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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84 Responses to Cruisefunding

  1. BuntyMcC says:

    There’s an Alaska on PEI. You could cruise Egmont Bay in a kayak to see it.

  2. Elyse says:

    Gee, where did I leave my purse …

  3. I’ve just faxed you a fifty. You’re right…this helping people thing feels great!

  4. Carrie Rubin says:

    Hmm, if you win a key chain at trivia, can I have it as a token of your appreciation? I can? Great. The check’s on its way.

  5. XD tell you what, if you still have copies of your book, I’ll buy one when I get my next installment of splurge money. (It’s the first of next month.) But only if you have a paypal 😉
    If we’re going to have this cousin relationship, shouldn’t I be spamming you pictures of my baby with updates on every cute thing she’s done? That seems like the fair exchange. I fund your cruise, you tolerate what I think is bragging about my child that you enjoy because you obviously must adore her because who couldn’t?

  6. Having spent many basketball road trips in Alaska in Dec/Jan, I’d have to say I don’t recommend it. It might be better when the sun comes out and the wind isn’t howling 150kmh. I’m sure the whole being on a nice boat and eating all you want goes some distance to make it a little nicer, but a true Alaskan adventure means roughing it and hating every moment. Doesn’t your wife want to go someplace nice like Iceland? It’s closer to your side of the globe.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I’m down with Iceland. In truth, though, it’s the cruise that throws me off more than the locale. Floating tour bus. Have you read David Foster Wallace’s essay, “A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again”? Funny.
      Iceland… Hang with Bjork and the Sigur Ros dudes…

  7. Ned's Blog says:

    Please take my money if it means Nome more Alaska puns.

  8. Hahaha! 🙂
    But the funds – er, puns are making my brain hurt. 😉

  9. List of X says:

    I just don’t get why someone living with snow and ice for half the year would ever want to go to Alaska, USA, and not Alaska, Barbados or Alaska, Greece.

  10. T.G. Forester says:

    I’ve actually been on an Alaskan cruise. It’s extremely beautiful! I went during the summer (did’t see any snow, by the way) and we were able to cable glide and meet some race huskies. As it turns out, they don’t use Siberian huskies like on your kid’s favorite Disney show about snow dogs. I would’ve been more than happy to stay on the boat the whole time, but I wouldn’t have traded the touristy experiences!

  11. garym6059 says:

    Check is in the mail. 50,000 sound good? Have a great time, take lots of pictures, and bring me back some fresh Halibut.

  12. Dina Honour says:

    If you want fjords, come see the real thing in Norway. It’s gorgeous. And the sun doesn’t set in the summer. It’s odd and discombobulating. But the scenery is gorgeous.

  13. franhunne4u says:

    Why should I get punished for a mistake your wife made 25 years ago?

  14. Paul says:

    Real Select Alaska town names: Funter, Goodnews Bay, Livengood, Port Safety, Unalaska, Utopia, Wacker, Y

    So it would be Funter visit Goodnews Bay where they’re Livengood unless there’s a storm in which case they pull into Port Safety or if it’s really bad they can go to Unalaska which is said to be Utopia. You’d be Wacker lad not to ask Y.

    Note: all town names used in alphabetical order. Have a great trip! (Where’s the Paypal account?)

  15. pieterk515 says:

    I’m in Ross. The cheque is in the mail.

  16. How do we know you won’t spend the money on weed and Labatts Blue?

    Wow! 25 years is a LOT, as I’m sure your discovered the hard way. I think that’s called hard time, innit? How long were you dating prior to getting hitched? Because that should count as time served. Ha ha. Of course, I’m kidding. I’m on the same happy trail as you. So, what’s the secret? Lots of folks don’t make it past 25 months, much less 25 years.

  17. javaj240 says:

    I recently have been bombarded with “opportunities” to help fund Study Abroad trips (or, as I like to think of these jaunts, drinking in international venues — Biergartens, Paris cafes) for many of my friend’s and, yes, cousin’s progeny. Insofar as I would love to spend my hard-earned US Dollar on a more worthwhile cause, namely helping you to both celebrate and to preserve your marriage (after all, who else would have you?), I must send every penny to my daughter’s prestigious university. They get a little tetchy when they don’t get their bucket of cash every month. Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t I start my own crowd funding account for her tuition? Why didn’t I think of this sooner? Thanks for the spark of inspiration, Ross! I’ll tell you what, if there’s any money left over I will send it along to you and Deb. It’s really the least I can do.

  18. ksbeth says:

    what, you didn’t get my large check that i sent weeks ago, in anticipation of this?

  19. pinklightsabre says:

    My wife was a naturalist guide on some small Alaskan cruise ships that went belly-up around 9/11. Most beautiful place I’ve seen, I think. Actually started looking at real estate up there, in Homer, after a magical afternoon sea-kayaking around the Kenai. Great idea and hope you can make it happen without any problem with your calves. Because that’s what glaciers do, you know. Betchikan (I was proud of that). It rhymes with Ketchikan, a town there. I may not be spelling it right. I just asked my wife and she put an a were I put an i.

  20. Ross, stop being such a cad and just give us an address to make a contribution to your cause. As I tell my nephews, be honest or shut your mouth.

  21. Letizia says:

    I have visions of you and your wife in the little town where they filmed Northern Exposure. Perhaps not the most romantic or visual stunning, but that certainly would be fun. Now, I want to watch that series again.

  22. Karen says:

    A couple of years ago, my family and I went on a Disney Cruise in Florida. It’s as awful as you imagine it, only without the natural beauty of Alaska. We had to sit with this couple from Atlanta at dinner for one night and the stay-at-home southern Mom couldn’t get over the fact that I wore toe rings (eh, it was 2011. Who wasn’t wearing toe rings?) and I was desperate to show her the tattoo on my lower back but that would have given her husband, a telecommunications executive, a good look at my ass to go along with the eyeful of my breasts he was enjoying (I was still nursing my youngest so, well, you know). They had two sullen teenagers who whispered to each other throughout dinner.

    On the morning of our departure, we were assigned to the same breakfast table, but they didn’t show. I felt both slighted and euphoric.

    Anyway, cruises suck.

  23. cat9984 says:

    Since I’m so far behind reading people’s blogs, I’m sure you’re fully funded. Hope you have a wonderful time. (fyi – cats eat seafood.)

  24. Pingback: Things I know about Newfoundland | Drinking Tips for Teens

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