Four things God wants you to know about your car

fourBalanced on the deck of a carved wooden boat on the top of a toilet tank at a pitstop in Newfoundland, there was a small pamphlet. The cover announced, “Four Things GOD Wants You to Know.” I didn’t get a chance to read the full pamphlet because it wasn’t that type of pitstop.

But the four things were this: God wants you to be saved; you cannot save yourself; only Jesus can save you; trust Jesus now!

That’s some fairly specific information. I wonder, though, whether these are the only four things God wants you to know or merely four of many. Maybe God also wants you to know that no good can come of tequila and that the Expos are never coming back. But then, they don’t call God a mystery for nothing.

Regardless, at this point in our road trip across Newfoundland, our poor old two-door was shaking like a caffeinated alcoholic in a self-massaging chair. It was handling like a shopping cart with a pair of wonky wheels. The potholes of Newfoundland and the weight of our gear had savaged the shocks and alignment, and the unearthly vibrations coming from the front axle was like the Rubbing of the Damned.

My mind, then, wasn’t fixated so much on my eternal soul as my mechanical one, namely would the car make it back home without breaking down, or, at very least, onto the ferry, or, better still, off the ferry? I was having a crisis of automotive faith.

What I really could have used was a pamphlet entitled, “Four Things God Wants You to Know About Your Car.”

God wants your car to be saved

As Jesus said to Lazarus, “Hey, you awake?” so too is God by your side as you drive down the byways and highways and over the hills and sidewalk curbs that, oops, you didn’t see there. He wants you and your car to arrive home safely from your camping journey. For God is impressed that you have taken this voyage to explore the beauty of His lands and stimulate His economy.

“And they travelled many days; with the running shoes they did stuff under their seats, and the suitcases piled heavenward, blocking the rear window, even unto the side rear windows, where the sleeping bags, pillows and blankies were, verily, squashed. And God looked down upon them; and noddeth did He to Himself: ‘Now that’s some packing.’” – Westfalia 3:17-18

You cannot save your car

Man is flawed, man is ignorant, man is driving with the windows rolled down in a pathetic attempt to drown out the terrible squealing coming from the engine. But God is onto you. He sees doubt in your heart and hears even the tiniest whisper, as when you lean over to your spouse and say, “I don’t think we’re going to make it,” and she replies, “You’re being paranoid,” and you say, “I think it’s the gargamel,” and she responds, “I thought we had that fixed!”

“Lo, then did Flautis lift the hood skyward, and poketh he at the vessels and receptacles therein, retracting sticks anointed with oil and other viscous fluids the purpose of which he knew not. ‘The tire humming: could it not be that the pavement upon which we travel is made partly of crushed locusts that resonate so? Yea, that must be it.’ And then did Flautis over-inflate his tires, making matters worse.” – John the Deere 4:16

Only Jesus can save your car

Let us recall the parable of the footprints in the sand:

A man walking along the beach looked back and saw that there were two sets of footprints in the sand. Just then, the Lord spoke to him: “See? That is where I walked with you.”

And the man replied, “And there, Lord, where our footprints disappear and tire tracks appear, is that where you towed me?”

“No,” said The Lord, “those are four-wheeler tracks. Those assholes wreck everything.”

Trust your car with Jesus now!

Honestly, it’ll delay your trip by, what, four hours? And you’ll be able to get on with the rest of your travels with peace of mind and a redeemed soul. With Jesus, you always get reasonable rates and a money-back-from-the-dead guarantee. Special this week: oil change into wine, $39.95. Plus, act now and get a free myrrh-scented air freshener!

“Yea, though the passing lane is the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no diesel: for the car art under warrantee; the tie rod and the drive shaft, they are covered for me.” – Passats 24:4-5.

Remember: Jesus will carry your burden, but if you foolishly exceed the recommended weight limit, you’re on your own.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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45 Responses to Four things God wants you to know about your car

  1. Trent Lewin says:

    Look, Jesus also owns an autoparts factory and actually works on the assembly line for Ford. He’s deft with his fingers and a hit with the girls. Jesus eats alone in the cafeteria and occasionally wanks it in the bathroom. Oh lightning you say? Bring it on. Jesus once stole my Smarties. He licked them and put them back in the box, and threw them in the garbage.

    So yeah, that was random… my brain is still reeling from this line: Expos are never coming back. I don’t understand these words. I can’t process them. I have a lot of hope tied up in them coming back. I want Vladimir Guerrero to throw out the first pitch. I want Dave Van Horne back in the broadcasting booth. I want all of this in the year that Tim Raines finally gets elected into the Hall of Fame, so that we can stop the opening game at the brand new stadium during the 7th inning for him to come out and be loved by his fans. In fact, I want him to pick up a bat and hit a grand-slam and go four for five with two stolen bases. I want a Gary Carter retrospective. Andre Dawson as the honorary captain of the team. I want Larry Walker running up and down the field with a Canadian flag, and Pedro Martinez striking out the side. Give me all of that. This has to happen, and now. I pledge to buy seasons tickets, just bring my sweet sweet Expos back, please Jesus. You can have the Smarties, honest. And I will set you up with a nice gal-pal in a trailer park if that’s what it takes. Just bring back my team.

    And oh yeah, do something about Ross’ car. Humph. Talk about a first-world problem, Murray.

  2. Trent Lewin says:

    Also, excellent post, made me laugh. I shall also fear no diesel. This sounds like a good a catch phrase as any.

  3. Pingback: What makes High Baroque high? | Pinklightsabre's Blog

  4. Letizia says:

    I bet there’s a Jesus motors somewhere in Central America or California and his motto is “Trust your car with Jesus now!” Ross, your writing is perfection. Dare I say, divine even.

  5. Paul says:

    “And when the flood waters did receedeth they came upon a large Rock protruding from the seas. Having had found lands before they did so call this NewFoundLand. And, settling into this land they awaited the arrival of The Ross. Then came the day that The Ross appeared with his entourage in a great chariot festooned with appurtenances . All marveled at the chariot, rejoiced and welcomed The Ross and his entourage. The Ross did so travel the New Lands from the large metropolis of St. Johns to the far out ports of Fogo and Port aux Basques, giving his blessing to all the peoples and their lands. And when his limited time on the New Lands was done, he drove his chariot, with his entourage, onto the magical boat that crossed him to the far side. And the inhabitants of the New Lands stood on the dock and bemoaned the fact that The Ross could not stay, as they watched the mysterious boat pass from sight.”

  6. Did you find a pancake with the image of Jesus therein? 😉

  7. List of X says:

    Well, I’m not trusting Jesus with my car. The guy’s a carpenter, not a mechanic.
    Also, how come God just want us to know four things? What about 10 commandments? Are these just for extra credit now?

  8. Long time reader, first time caller says:

    Jerks for assholes? Apparently I should be reading the blog version…. Hope you found time to pit stop in Bagtown on the way.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Looked on fondly from the marshlands, which just isn’t the same, by the way, without the ugly Radio Canada International towers.

      • Long time reader, first time caller says:

        Haven’t been back since 2007, at which point I thought I remembered them still towering over nature almost as a dare to remain majestic in its shadow…
        Funny story about those towers. At the height of the Kosovo war, it sure looked like it was going to get serious. My buddy and I talked about it on our radio show (9-11pm, Wednesdays), then joked about how we were probably in the safest place possible in Canada, charged with the preservation of our culture and heritage should Canada ever be invaded/attacked/under Tory rule for another 4 years… I digress.
        Anyways, the phone rings, and we figure we have a faithful listener looking to chime in (we only had one), but instead we get lambasted by this cantankerous local who goes on and on about Sackville being #3 on the threat down list of possible terrorist attacks, BECAUSE OF THOSE TOWERS. Apparently there are/were bunkers strewn about Sackville in case of air raids and bombing runs. I think she was confused with Trueman house. But yeah, we cut to music after her tirade, not quite sure what to add. She was right, I guess.

  9. Now there’s a religious text I’d gladly read: one with Westfalia, John the Deere, and Passats. Maybe the eternal question is answered therein. “Should I get the extended warranty or have faith in German engineering?”

  10. Ooh, nice one! I’m also praying for good Revelations per minute.

  11. markbialczak says:

    That noise is always the wheel bearings, and the bill will always be $486.93. Meineke 9:2015

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