Four things God wants you to know about your car

Balanced on the deck of a carved wooden boat on the top of a toilet tank at a pitstop in Newfoundland, there was a small pamphlet. The cover announced, “Four Things GOD Wants You to Know.” I didn’t get a chance to read the full pamphlet because it wasn’t that type of pitstop.

But the four things were this: God wants you to be saved; you cannot save yourself; only Jesus can save you; trust Jesus now!

That’s some fairly specific information. I wonder, though, whether these are the only four things God wants you to know or merely four of many. Maybe God also wants you to know that no good can come of tequila and that the Expos are never coming back. But then, they don’t call God a mystery for nothing.

Regardless, at this point in our road trip across Newfoundland, our poor old two-door was shaking like a caffeinated alcoholic in a self-massaging chair. It was handling like a shopping cart with a pair of wonky wheels. The potholes of Newfoundland and the weight of our gear had savaged the shocks and alignment, and the unearthly vibrations coming from the front axle was like the Rubbing of the Damned.

My mind, then, wasn’t fixated so much on my eternal soul as my mechanical one, namely would the car make it back home without breaking down, or, at very least, onto the ferry, or, better still, off the ferry? I was having a crisis of automotive faith.

What I really could have used was a pamphlet entitled, “Four Things God Wants You to Know About Your Car.”

God wants your car to be saved

As Jesus said to Lazarus, “Hey, you awake?” so too is God by your side as you drive down the byways and highways and over the hills and sidewalk curbs that, oops, you didn’t see there. He wants you and your car to arrive home safely from your camping journey. For God is impressed that you have taken this voyage to explore the beauty of His lands and stimulate His economy.

“And they travelled many days; with the running shoes they did stuff under their seats, and the suitcases piled heavenward, blocking the rear window, even unto the side rear windows, where the sleeping bags, pillows and blankies were, verily, squashed. And God looked down upon them; and noddeth did He to Himself: ‘Now that’s some packing.’” – Westfalia 3:17-18

You cannot save your car

Man is flawed, man is ignorant, man is driving with the windows rolled down in a pathetic attempt to drown out the terrible squealing coming from the engine. But God is onto you. He sees doubt in your heart and hears even the tiniest whisper, as when you lean over to your spouse and say, “I don’t think we’re going to make it,” and she replies, “You’re being paranoid,” and you say, “I think it’s the gargamel,” and she responds, “I thought we had that fixed!”

“Lo, then did Flautis lift the hood skyward, and poketh he at the vessels and receptacles therein, retracting sticks anointed with oil and other viscous fluids the purpose of which he knew not. ‘The tire humming: could it not be that the pavement upon which we travel is made partly of crushed locusts that resonate so? Yea, that must be it.’ And then did Flautis over-inflate his tires, making matters worse.” – John the Deere 4:16

Only Jesus can save your car

Let us recall the parable of the footprints in the sand:

A man walking along the beach looked back and saw that there were two sets of footprints in the sand. Just then, the Lord spoke to him: “See? That is where I walked with you.”

And the man replied, “And there, Lord, where our footprints disappear and tire tracks appear, is that where you towed me?”

“No,” said The Lord, “those are four-wheeler tracks. Those assholes wreck everything.”

Trust your car with Jesus now!

Honestly, it’ll delay your trip by, what, four hours? And you’ll be able to get on with the rest of your travels with peace of mind and a redeemed soul. With Jesus, you always get reasonable rates and a money-back-from-the-dead guarantee. Special this week: oil change into wine, $39.95. Plus, act now and get a free myrrh-scented air freshener!

“Yea, though the passing lane is the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I shall fear no diesel: for the car art under warrantee; the tie rod and the drive shaft, they are covered for me.” – Passats 24:4-5.

Remember: Jesus will carry your burden, but if you foolishly exceed the recommended weight limit, you’re on your own.