For pennies more

One evening, Deb pointed to a pile of plastic food containers stacked on the kitchen counter. “Aren’t you going to put those away?” she asked.

“I like to reach a critical mass before I venture into the cupboard,” I said.

“Well, if I’m complaining about it, it must be a critical mass,” Deb replied.

“You’re a critical mass,” I muttered and then laughed at my joke.

HEY THERE! Get the freshest, sleekest, wordiest Ross Murray with Ross Murray Premium! No more interruptions like this one in the middle of wonderful heartwarming stories, like the time everybody accidently ate a whole tub of Noxema and nearly died. And it was all because of the cats! Oh, those cats! Always trying to kill us. Heartwarming and wonderful and nearly fatal!

Or how about no cats at all! That sounds like heaven, doesn’t it? With Ross Murray Premium, you’ll be able to select your own personalized level of cat content – no cats or too many cats. It’s up to you! With Ross Murray Premium, you may never have to read about those cats again. Cats, cats, cats! I’m just getting it out of my system now because I know you’re going to want to take advantage of this delineated-time offer and say “Adios, meowgo!” with Ross Murray Premium!

With Ross Murray Premium – wait; didn’t I just say that? I did! I love saying it! It’s so repetitious it’s redundant! – With Ross Murray Premium, you’ll be able to read what you want, where you want, how you want, with whom you want. Why you want? Me not know. But YOU’RE in the driver’s seat with Ross Murray Premium. Your hands are on the steering wheel at 10 and 2. Stop fixing your hair in the mirror! You always look fabulous, thanks to Ross Murray Premium!

Me, me or me! Choose the Ross Murray headshot of your choice!

Me, me or me! Choose the Ross Murray headshot of your choice!

This sure is a long interrupting ad in the flow of this post, isn’t it? That’s because you’ve opted for Regular Ross Murray. Boo! What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see what you’re missing out on? No? It’s right over there. See? Where the sun is shining and the wine flows like water and the water flows like face glitter? That’s Ross Murray Premium, or perhaps a highly Photoshopped version of Ross Murray Premium. I don’t think Ross Murray Premium has six-pack abs like that, to be honest. Let me check… Yup, that’s Ross Murray Premium, all right!

Wait, those aren’t abs, they’re apps! Six-pack apps. Do you have apps? Didn’t think so, you appless romantic, you. All your friends have Ross Murray Premium. They have it on their desktop, on their tablets and on their darling little tea trays.

Look, I’m not going to get back to the post until you agree to at least try Ross Murray Premium for only 99¢ a month for the first three months. Three measly months. Is that too much to ask? After that, Ross Murray Premium is only $9.99 a cubic fortnight or $36.54 a quadrille. That’s mere pennies a nobbin!

Still not convinced to spring for uninterrupted stories, like the time I recused myself from jury duty because I had, shall we say, intimate transactions with the accused accountant-slash-taxidermist? How about I let you think about it while I loudly scat like Van Morrison in the extended middle section of “Listen to the Lion”?

Grrrroorrr, reoooww, sail and sail
Blllllblbbbbl, bblbe, Avalon dee-dee-bop!
Grur waters Caledonia YEAHHHdada!
Misty mystic mmmrmmemm BELFAST!

Whew! I need a towel. Covered in Van sweat.

Still here? With Ross Murray Premium, you’ll get content tailored to your reading preferences. Don’t like the word “ideation”? Who does? Ross Murray Premium’s Republican Party feature will let you block all references to words or ideas you find offensive or displeasing in thine eyes. You can even block the words “Ross Murray Premium.”

But you don’t have Ross Murray Premium, Ross Murray Premium, Ross Murray Premium! Store and sort your posts under “Favourites,” “Terse Comment,” or “Future Litigation.” Share with friends, share even more with enemies, but only if they’ve sprung for Ross Murray Premium, the cheap bastards.

Am I telling the truth about becoming a certified gerrymanderer or am I full of shimsham-fadoozle? You’ll find out at last with Ross Murray Premium!

Act now, and for only pennies more get Ross Murray Premium Plus! With Ross Murray Premium Plus you get an aardvark.

No? Fine. Back to your post, you ingrate.

Anyway, she didn’t think it was funny.



About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Never Happened and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to For pennies more

  1. pinklightsabre says:

    Van sweat? I thought we had a Leek in the boat! Sorry, it’s coming out of my mom’s kuche, the Leek smell, not the sweat! The sweet smell of mmmmschpringtime…in Belfast! And the sweet, sweet summertime, summerwine, summertime.
    That was the free, 30-day trial. You do it better than I.

  2. pointlessboob says:

    I’ve been wanting to get Ross Murray Premium since I was kid! Every year I’d ask Santa for one, and every year I was dissappointed. I don’t know what Santa has against Ross Murray Premium (I suspect it has to do with six pack ab envy). You can imagine my excitement when I came across this ad, as I thought, Ross Murray Premium had been discontinued long ago!

    I’d like to purchase one Ross Murray Premium for myself and one Ross Murray Premium PLUS for my mother in law (she’s so hard to buy for, but this is going to be the best Christmas present evah!) I know what you’re thinking, it’s never a good idea to get another person a pet, but I promise you, my mother in law would welcome an aardvark in her life. She hasn’t been the same since Harry (her naked mole rat), passed away two years ago in a freak motor cycle accident. To add insult to injury, my father in law looks just like Harry, so he’s been a constant reminder of the loss.

    I can’t even believe I’m finally getting a Ross Murray Premium! Before I forget, does it come pre-sharpened, or will I need to sharpen it at home? Also, is it microwave safe and does it come in pink? Do you think it works well for people who normally sleep on their side because if so, I might want to get an extra one for my husband. Finally, does it really absorb as much liquid as was claimed in the original TV commercials, or was that a bit of a sham? I’m buying it either way, but it would certainly be the icing on the cake if it did!

    Sorry about all the questions, I can’t wait to see my mother in law’s face when she opens up her Ross Murray Premium PLUS!

  3. What’s a “nobbin”?

  4. goldfish says:

    Sign me up. I’d like my aardvaark in sky blue. Just how many As are in that word? No matter. I’m sure Ross Murray Premium will tell me once my check/cheque clears.

  5. franhunne4u says:

    No premium here, I would have to pay duty on it, but I tell you what, I have adbloc on my browser – so your post was just a few lines up – a lot of white in the middle, some photos of a really good looking but much too young guy – and a slightly contra-climactic line in the end. 😛

  6. Paul says:

    Already picked up a big box at Cosco:

  7. Ross Murray Premium sound like a dark, brown ale. Can I order two?


  8. Hahaha. 🙂

    Does the Ross Murray Premium Plus come with an option for the aardvark to be placed inside the bottle? Wait … we are talking about scotch, right? Not some cheap imitation?

  9. What if I already have an aardvark?

  10. pieterk515 says:

    That post read like an Energizer bunny. I’m exhausted.

  11. R. Todd says:

    I’m tired after reading that. And severely jealous of how well you put that together…

  12. markbialczak says:

    Sign me up, Ross. I think my Extra Bonus Online Payer Account handles scheckels.

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