My wife’s leg is making me look bad

It’s bad enough that my wife likes to mow the lawn. No, honestly she does! Sometimes when she’s mowing, I want to shout across at the neighbours and say, “I’d be happy to mow the lawn, truly I would, but she really, really likes to do it, and I’d also like to point out that this makes me neither lazy nor unmasculine.” I especially want to shout this if I happen to be hanging out the laundry at the time.

Sometimes I’ll say, “I think I’ll mow the lawn,” and Deb will say, “No, I’ve got it.” What am I going to do? Forbid her? Hell, no, that’s not how we roll. Wouldn’t work anyway… Plus, it turns out I am a bit lazy after all, though again: not unmasculine.

Or maybe people think I make her mow the lawn. No, no, not at all. She wants to. Some women go to the gym. My wife mows.

Either way, it probably reflects poorly on me as a man. So imagine what people must have thought when they saw Deb last week not only pushing a lawnmower across our yard but doing so with a bum leg. Limpmowing, if you will.

“You don’t understand,” I want to tell the neighbours. “It’s not me. It’s her. She’s a terrible patient.”

Let me explain:

Two Saturdays ago, Deb tore a muscle in her calf playing softball. It was bad enough that we ventured a trip to the emergency room. This is worth noting because Deb feels about seeing the doctor the way most people feel about removing an unfortunate tattoo: a procedure to endure only when you absolutely can’t stand it anymore.

The doctor on duty felt up my wife’s leg, and I experienced pangs of jealous possessiveness that were somewhat reassuring after 25 years of marriage. Then he said a lot of things in French that I interpreted as, “Ice it; rest it; wait four to six weeks for delivery.” I might be wrong on that last part; his French was super fast.

Back at home, we got the ice part down, and we even found a cane, which, I have to say, as a look, Deb totally pulls off! But the “rest” part has been a bust.

“What are you doing? Sit. I’ll do it. Get down from there. Stop that. Don’t lift that. That’s too much weight on your leg. Let me. Why are you doing that? Where are you going?”

“I’m going to walk the dog. I need it. I can’t just do nothing.”

“It’s too much.”

“I’m stretching it.”

“You’re going to make it worse.”

“Would you rather I whine about it?”

Well, now that you mention it, yes. And I’ll tell you why:

I’m starting to get a cold.

I feel yucky.

But if Deb is going on 5K limps – stoic and undaunted – how am I supposed to wallow motionless with my sniffles?

There’s no way I can properly slump on a sofa and pathetically call out for the tissues, please, the extra-soft ones with the lotion, when Deb is carting loads of laundry up and down the basement stairs, grimacing through her pain like a domestic Clint Eastwood.

How can I take a day off work because I feel blechy when Deb is driving the half hour to work, pressing the gas and brake with a gimp leg whose pain is bearable only if she walks on her tippy-toes?

How can I love my misery if my misery has no company?

Being downright pathetic is the sole perk of being sick. You get to do nothing and essentially let your muscles atrophy for a few days because, gosh, you have no energy, except to work this remote here and maybe stream every music video made between 1982 and 1989 (The Golden Age). People feel sorry for you, and in a good way for once. If you’re lucky, you get a little bell you can ring for more chicken soup. (Thake you, I’b beeling buch better.)

But there’s no way I can even groan dramatically as I choke Advil down my mildly scratchy throat when Deb is hobbling stoically from the store with bag-loads of groceries.

After all, what would the neighbours think?

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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68 Responses to My wife’s leg is making me look bad

  1. Carrie Rubin says:

    Guess there’ll be no malingering in your family! Even maybe when there should be. Ahem, ahem, I’m speaking to your wife here… 😉

  2. Paul says:

    Wow, you guys are a fine pair – gimpy and sneezy.- a few more and you could have all the dwarfs. As far as feeling effeminate when you are hanging clothes while she mows – I wouldn’t worry about it. When I was 14 I knew a German national – Harry Ruggeberger – who was in his 50’s and was the Master Baker of a large commercial bakery where I worked part time. Harry wore pink, walked very carefully, was an aficionado of ballet, loved to bake, and exuded feminism. He was a friend of my Dad’s and we would go out to visit him on weekends sometimes. His wife had passed and he had 3 grown kids. His home had a lot of pictures and there was a young Harry commanding a Panzer Tank with Rommel in the North African desert. He was the right hand man of Rommel in WW2 and could tell war stories that would make your toes curl.

    My point being Ross that your manhood is not at risk when you are hanging laundry while your wife mows. Hang in there my friend.

  3. I actually enjoy shoveling snow in the winter, as well as doing most of the gardening and yard work. I think my neighbors believe either my husband is a lazy tyrant or incapacitated by a terminal illness. As long as we both believe we’re getting the better end of the deal, there will be marital accord.

  4. List of X says:

    Who cares what the neighbors think? Their thoughts are probably in yet more incomprehensible French than your doctor’s.

  5. franhunne4u says:

    Don’t hang washing out when your wife mows the lawn, then. Afterwards would even have the advantage that the washing stays clean.

  6. franhunne4u says:

    Oh, and Get well soon, Mrs. Murray!

  7. pieterk515 says:

    Wives are stubborn and in so doing, they miss the opportunity of labouring moments of ill-health and injury. It’s one of the joys of being a man.

  8. Tez says:

    Oh no, Ross, I think you have the masculinity thing arse-about-face. All the opinion polls (whose names I cannot remember) show that if a man wants to appear hot and masculine all he has to do is some housework. My very masculine husband used to don an apron and rubber gloves when he did the washing up. Yep, it worked every time. Therefore, I think it’s time you stood tall when you hang out the washing and get that wife of yours to put her feet up. 😉

  9. Good post, funny, and very relatable! I did a blog post a few years ago about pink jobs and blue jobs, about certain jobs around the house being more for girls and others more for boys (I ended up deleting the post a year or so later so I can’t link to it). Anyway, yes, there is often that urge to explain if someone in a male/female couple is doing a job that would be more traditionally expected of the other gender. Hope you both recover soon!

  10. Bloody strong women. They’re a nuisance, aren’t they? Your instincts are right. She makes you look bad. If she starts mowing with the cane, please film it and get it up on YouTube post haste. My wife insists on carrying luggage and large, heavy parcels. Do you know how that makes me look?

    • pinklightsabre says:

      Not to mention the fact you tolerate that fucking dog, and then complain about it to the Internet. If you can get a video of you typing with one hand while adjusting your skirt with the other, that would be great. Ha!

      • Dear Sir:

        I’ll have you know I did was any red-blooded American Manly Man would do. I put that dog on drugs. She gets one Prozac every morning. She walks around in a stupor but I haven’t been bit since March. Best $8/month I’ve ever spend. Problem solved.

        • pinklightsabre says:

          There is something to be said for that Prozac. At the wine festival last week, I said to my mom I think we both need medication and just then, a wine glass dropped and smashed on the cobblestones and neither of us knew why or how, but maybe some spirit somewhere agreeing. And then later, we caught her biting Charlotte.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Yeah, that’s never good.

  11. pinklightsabre says:

    The Clint Eastwood grimace is perfect. And I relate, on multiple levels. Except in our household, Dawn is the navigator and I am the cook. I kill the rats, though – and the partially dead rabbits, I remove those. I suppose we fall into our gender roles on occasion. Sorry you’re not feeling well though, you have my sympathy. Just sounds like Deb’s the one with the nuts, though.

  12. ksbeth says:

    drugs and dance therapy.

  13. Your wife sounds like a horribly inconsiderate woman to even cause you a little bit of trepidation about being able to enjoy your sickness like any normal human being with a penis should. As for the lawn mowing, man, I would love to have a wife do that, but the couple of times my wife offered I told her no because as you note…neighbors.

  14. Cheyanne says:

    HA! Hope you both feel better soon.

  15. Lynn says:

    Hope you both back to your healthy selves soon. In the meantime, put your big girl pants on!

  16. I’d rather do the laundry than mow the lawn any day… thankfully we live in a townhouse complex where somebody is hired to do all that sort of manly stuff so the hubs and I can just hang around the house and do all the girl jobs together!

  17. You could always go hypochondriac, right? People have plenty of irritable sympathy for those! Make it out worse than it really is! Go big and stay home!

  18. byebyebeer says:

    Never mowed a lawn in my life. My spouse too loves it so much. He also limps around far too long until a trip to the ER is his only option. I’d be angrier but he mows the lawn. (Martyrs!)

  19. LRose says:

    My mother’s favorite joke when someone remarked on my parents’ truly lovely garden and always amazing meals (typically done by my father)
    Q: “You have such a beautiful garden and this meal is delicious! How do you do it?”
    A: (with a coy smile), “I sleep with the gardener and the cook.”

  20. So, your wife is taking care of her gastrocnemius and you’re working on your gastro enormous?

  21. gavinkeenan says:

    Are you sure that the French speaking ER Doc wasn’t saying “Why doesn’t that lazy husband of yours to do more work around the house?”

  22. R. Todd says:

    Again, you humor has me cracking up. And I agree.. those are the golden years of the music videos.

  23. markbialczak says:

    Wow! Are you certain that your Super Woman can’t snap her fingers and make your sniffles disappear, Ross? Or perhaps get you off the couch with one look? No wonder the French Doc felt up her Super Hero leg. You have it so good …

  24. I feel like I would be the mower if we had a house, because I like anything related to cleaning and organizing our house (no matter how tedious or backbreaking)…what we call Hausfrau. Nothing can stop Hausfrau—seriously, my husband won’t talk or look at me when I’m in Hausfrau mode. 🙂

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