Tuesday, 2:46 p.m.

Still TuesdayI heard on the radio that men and women dream differently, especially their nightmares. Women have bad dreams about interpersonal relationships. Men dream about disasters and external threats. Great. Now even my dreams aren’t manly enough.

If you ingest too much Teflon, do you get the runs?

With all these awareness campaigns about mental illness, I’m worried I’ve become a mental hypochondriac. But what kind of mental illness do I have? Do I have mental meningitis? Or is it just a mental head cold?

How come I can’t smell the inside of my nose?

I think I’ll invent a cologne. I’ll call it Musty Drawer for Men.

I like it when I wake up and the clock reads “3:50,” only I’m so sleepy I don’t see the colon, so instead it looks like “350,” and I fall back to sleep imagining my room is a giant oven and I’m slowly roasting to a golden brown.

The first-ever volunteer was probably Noah. God: “Hey, Noah, I have a favour to ask you. It should only take a couple of hours. I’d ask someone else but everybody’s so unreliable these days and corrupt in mine eyes. Say, do you own a pair of rubber boots?”

Everybody thinks books are so great. But what if, instead of being printed on paper and neatly bound, books were big messy blobs you smeared all over yourself. “Eeuuu! Look at that disgusting reader. How can she be so literate like that? Doesn’t it bother her? If she would just read less, she’d actually be pretty.” Wait, that last part is a real thing people say.

The importance of a good book title can never be overestimated. Imagine if Love in the Time of Cholera had been called Look Who’s Cramping!

I have zero social skills. Correction: I have four social skills.

Celebrating 150 years of people narrowing their eyes in the hopes of seeing things more clearly, would that be called a sesquisquintennial?

When people want to pin down the source of a sound, why do they put their glasses on?

Speaking of glasses, I should get that laser eye surgery. Laser eyes would be awesome!

When you’re at a basketball game, and the players on the bench are chanting in that shout-and-response way, “Defence. DEFENCE! Defence. DEFENCE!” it kind of sounds like they’re saying “Cheesecake. CHEESECAKE! Cheesecake. CHEESECAKE!”

I’m hungry.

What if I wanted to send a legitimate email to someone with the subject line “Find you lover passion tonight with pills amazing!!!”

I may be in a conflict of disinterest.

When I said to my daughter, “I see you’re wearing a Pink Floyd shirt,” she replied, “It’s not pink.” Should I be worried?

I think I might change all my passwords to curse words.

From now on, I want everyone to address me by my first and last names all the time. “Ross Murray, do you want some toast?” “Ross Murray, you’re shirt’s on backwards again.” “Ross Murray, do you have bail money?”

If I had a personal brand, I bet it would be no-name personal brand.

Should I apply for that job as a Customer Success Manager? And what is that?

I’m going to title my memoir Everybody’s Ruining the World But Me.

At my age, pretty soon I’m going to be attending a lot more funerals. On the plus side, I’ll probably also start going to weddings – our kids’ weddings, our friends’ kids’ wedding. I’d rather go to weddings than funerals. I should get some friends.

I heard about this guy who was on trial for war crimes, and his alibi was that he couldn’t have committed all those alleged atrocities because he was far too debilitated by his all-consuming obsession with cows. He told the judge, “I was only following udders.”

I wonder if this committee meeting is ever going to end?


About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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36 Responses to Tuesday, 2:46 p.m.

  1. Paul says:

    Well Ross Murray, that’s a mighty fine compendium of conflagrations you’ve created. I was totally bamboozled and flummoxed when I read it. Which I am sure was the intention – for after all who really understands dreams?

  2. List of X says:

    This is why people use Twitter – to purge all these thoughts from their heads as soon as they appear.

  3. pinklightsabre says:

    It’s odd, but being inside your head in the middle of the night is not so much different as it feels inside mine. If I can be so bold as to ask a technical question, do you take notes throughout the week as things come to you like this, and then compile them for your blog, or do you just open up your head and spill it out when you write, or a combination (“A and B,” all of the above)?
    I agree with you about titles and still am grateful for that one you offered me, for DFW (“Cruel and Unusual Publishing”). Seems a lifetime ago, dunnit? I go in and out with titles and sometimes get lazy about them, but we never should. They’re akin to how much care and time you take wrapping a present, I think – and some just farm that out, and that’s weak I think.
    Picture this: my mom is usually the first to read my blog posts, and is quick to point out tense problems or mis-spellings. And she does that thing you’re never supposed to do in the work environment, at least where I worked, where you combine praise and feedback in the same line. Like, you did a really nice job with that presentation BUT next time, iron your shirt.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      This post is culled from notes captured in my notebook that otherwise would never (and probably shouldn’t) see the light of day. The post is the result of having a deadline and not much to say. I wrote the “leg” piece for my weekly newspaper column but didn’t like it, so it ended up being posted here yesterday; why waste? Ironically, it’s getting better traction than posts I’m actually happy with. Go figure.
      My title today is sloppy and dull, but otherwise I agree with you. I love a good title, and yours usually evoke a sense rather than a topic. I like that.
      You’re mom is normal, I think. Humans communicate badly. You can see it better than most because you have training in how to negotiate projects and people. Right now I have a work situation where emails are flying and people are reading things as slights and attacks. I’m gnashing with Type A’s who want to hold a hockey camp but not call it a “camp.” So, yes please, I could use some of that training.
      Just finished “Cloud Atlas” (which was unusual but not cruel) and thinking of moving on to “Moon Palace” by Auster.

      • pinklightsabre says:

        We have to talk about Cloud Atlas. We’re on the same plane somehow, you and me. Dawn is just finishing it now also and I might do a reread.

        • rossmurray1 says:

          There were many things I liked about it, not least being the virtuoso skill in switching writing styles. Still grappling with the takeaways, though.

          • pinklightsabre says:

            Me too. Dawn gets more in terms of comprehension, whereas I read mire for style and story is secondary, which feels superficial but there you go. I hate this smart phone im using now by the way. Hood night. Or good night.

  4. Lisa Neumann says:

    1) Definitely be worried about the “Pink Floyd” shirt.
    2) Committee Meeting is over at death o’clock, so don’t try and sneak out early.

    Thanks for the smiles. Sorry so long since I’ve been over for giggles. But you seem in excellent company without me. ♥ Lis

  5. Carrie Rubin says:

    “Great. Now even my dreams aren’t manly enough.”—Ha!
    “Look Who’s Cramping!”—Double ha!

    Loved this flight of ideas. Helps me see I’m not alone in my weird and random thoughts.

  6. Dina Honour says:

    This was like the writer’s equivalent of the “If you give a mouse a cookie” books ;-). And just as tasty.

  7. This reminds me pretty strongly of my own brain. Also why are so many of my dreams kind of sci-fi when I don’t even really like sci-fi all that much? I mean it’s okay but I prefer high fantasy by far. And yet there’s always spaceships and zombies and never freaking dragons.
    But anyway ADD much? 😉 It’s a fun thing. It’s so fun that I really, really miss my medication.

  8. When I’m driving and looking for a street sign or a shop, as I approach my destination, I always lean in closer to my windshield. It affords a closer view.

  9. markbialczak says:

    I don’t like to think of colons first thing when I wake up either, Ross, but that trip to the loo is inevitable.

  10. Ned's Blog says:

    Careful, Ross. Blaming the runs on Teflon is a slippery slope.

  11. Maybe you could write a column about what the inside of your eyelids looks like. Of course, you would have to do research and some might be mean to you and call it sleeping. But don’t you believe it! Writers are very misunderstood.

  12. Ahdad says:

    I also suffer from Adult ADHD. A condition that doesn’t allow me to concentrate on one thing of a prolonge…I wonder what stained my shirt? What did I have for breakfast? I need coffee. I love coffee. And my wife. She has such pretty eyes…

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