What to do in the event you wake up Tuesday morning and Stephen Harper is still Prime Minister

[sigh...]

[sigh…]

1. Remain calm.

2. Check for structural damage.

3. Be prepared for aftershocks and gloating.

4. Deal with any minor injuries, including cuts, sprains and ideological collapse.

5. Take two minutes to weep in silence behind closed doors so as not to alarm the children.

6. Eat a healthy, nutritious breakfast, because breakfast is the most important meal of the next four years of fear-driven dogma and social alienation.

7. Listen to the radio for further instructions. If it’s CBC Radio, you better make it quick.

8. Stay away from downed power lines, washouts, Twitter and Facebook.

9. If you begin to hyperventilate, take a plain paper bag, open it, fill it with large sums of 50-dollar bills and mail it to the member of the Senate representing your region.

10. Try to find out who is the member of the Senate representing your region.

11. Stock up on beef jerky for reasons that will become clear in six to seven weeks.

12. Assess your own status. Are you a Canadian citizen? Are you sure? Better check again.

13. If you are female, First Nations, Muslim, an environmentalist, Syrian refugee, social advocate or government scientist, go to an open area and await further instructions. No, just stay there. That’s fine. We’ll get back to you.

14. If you are a white, middle-aged, middle-class male, thanks a lot.

15. Inspect your property for stray voters and take the following action if necessary:

a) While it may be difficult to differentiate Liberals from Conservatives, note that Liberals will have glazed, stunned expressions on their faces and be walking in a daze, completely susceptible to others’ commands – in other words acting completely normal. Gently take any lost Liberals by the hand and settle them under the nearest tree and tell them everything will be okay. If you’re charming and good looking, they’ll believe you.

b) Take a broom handle and rattle it around under your front porch to flush out any NDP voters that may have nested there.

c) If you encounter a Conservative, do not make any sudden movements. Stand your ground, identify yourself as a “hard-working Canadian” and use calm, soothing phrases like “mandatory minimum sentences” and “oil sands, oil sands, oil sands.” Avoid direct eye contact. If the Conservative charges at you, quickly pretend to be a journalist, and the Conservative will run the other way. Do not by any means cover your face.

16. Reach out to someone. Call a friend, preferably one overseas, and assure him or her that, despite our fading reputation in foreign-policy circles, Canadians are good people. Most of us anyway. Just not quite enough.

17. Distract yourself and your loved ones from the tragic events by turning to more upbeat examples of Canadian culture, i.e. “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” the films of Atom Egoyan, the collected works of Margaret Atwood, etc.

18. Bear in mind that, unless you are a terrorist or suspected terrorist, you have almost nothing to fear, probably.

19. If you have young children, gather them around and explain that sometimes bad prime ministers happen to good countries and that, in the coming days, they may see some disturbing images of unjustifiably smug politicians. Remind them that governments come and governments go, that we still live in a country where it’s safe to walk outside, neighbours are generous, opportunities are infinite and overblown rhetoric is taken with a grain of salt, and that at least it’s not Jason Kenney.

20. At least not yet.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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297 Responses to What to do in the event you wake up Tuesday morning and Stephen Harper is still Prime Minister

  1. Very funny piece, Ross. I especially like your examples of ‘upbeat’ Canadian culture. Good luck to us all!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Gord bless. (That’s Gordon Lightfoot, BTW.)

    • Terri Spence says:

      Is it wrong for me as a veteran to dispise everything Canada has become under Steven Harper? Im about to look for a country i can go to as a political refugee because there is nothing for me in Canada any more! So very ashamed of the wedge politics used to polarize good Canadians of all party stripes. Our only prayer will be that some of these people wake up and begin to actually see what has happened to our country, our rights, our veterans, and our international reputation! Well written piece Ross! It scares me that it may end up a possibility…waiting for Monday night on pins and needles!

      • rossmurray1 says:

        One of the points I’m trying to make here is that, no matter what, the sun will rise. I hope you find something good in this country Tuesday morning and onward. It’s there, friend.

      • i have quite a few freinds who have already left for london and berlin and no intention of ever coming back many more of my freinds are also concdering it. most of us hold up in quebeic were there still culture. but, its still hard for anglos and not allways the best.. i assume another 4 years of cons. and you’ll lose another massive amount of educated, hardworking, people. to lands more open to life, and civilization.

      • ChefTom says:

        I agree…!! We are as divided as never before…As you a veteran as my father was (WW2) …people forget how divided the world is and the people who are not accountable for anything use the “divide and conquer” strategy. 82 years ago a country was divided by racism by the same method. I am not comparing that then is like now but the people who forget history are doomed to repeat it. It scares me as well.

      • Yes, very well written.

        I certainly hope that you will not leave. Canadians need all the progressive, passionate and logical people that we have and if many leave, then Stephen Harper wins …he can then totally re-make the country in his own image and few would even recognize Canada any longer.

      • HUYA™ says:

        Uruguay…

      • pgbuote says:

        Don’t worry Terri is #CPCJesus get in we are all to become the 51st state in the Union of the united states of Merica, SO i suggest looking for a foreign national country like Bora Bora at least there the exchange is good

      • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

        I am one fellow vet agrees with you. Harper is destroying the soul of the nation. I want my old Canada back – the one where we sent soldiers out as peacekeepers and not to train one corrupt side for their next civil war. The one were Canadian citizens were equal and not regarded by the government as in a different category on the whim of another country. The one where the government of Canada was called that, and not the ‘Harper government’.

      • Sharron says:

        Right on. I am a proud Canadian but now our international reputation is so tarnished I am sometimes embarrassed to say so. But I believe there is light at the end of the dark tunnel.

        • franhunne4u says:

          It wasn’t that bad, not in Germany. But then – most countries, with the exception of perhaps North Korea and Russia, are having a not too bad reputation in Germany when compared to OUR own reputation.

  2. rossmurray1 says:

    To my American readers, my apologies for this being mostly irrelevant and obscurely Canadian but these are desperate times. The links probably didn’t even help because, you know, if you have to explain it… Back to regularly scheduled, universal, not-overtly-Canadian jocularity next week. Thanks for stopping by. Have a nice day. Wish us luck.

  3. Lynn says:

    You may be obscurely Canadian but if Harper gets in again, we will all be American anyway! Great piece Ross.

  4. franhunne4u says:

    I can soo understand you, even as a German. We had 16 years conservative government – and a Chancellor who was named Cabbage.

  5. Now I get it! Canada is a state of mind.

  6. ksbeth says:

    take the underground/river railroad and i’ll meet you on the other side

  7. colemining says:

    Hilarious AND terrifying. After last night we can legit add the Blue Jays to #17- Jose’s bat toss is already immortal. Gord be praised, indeed.

  8. Gamer says:

    15 c) … “Old-stock Canadians”

  9. kerry willett says:

    No Leader may have peeved off so many people, groups, special interest groups as this man, then again, I have never seen such a slanted abusive media attack on a man. The cbc, ctv, torontostar, chose not to provide facts to correct wrongs. It sadden me, and with that changed my outlook and desire to delve into the issues. Harper stuck to his beliefs, his economic charter, bowing to no one and slashing monies to actually balance our Canadian budget. He did not run for a popularity contest. For those reasons, he may go down as one of our greatest statesman and will have my vote.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      He has left his stamp on Canada, I’ll give you that. Happy voting.

      • celinehagbard says:

        Like a boot stamping on the face of Canadians, forever. (with apologies to George Orwell)

        • k4krysta says:

          The guy silenced scientists, especially when they want to speak on global warming. He removed protection on hundreds of lakes and rivers across Canada. He refuses to help Aboriginal people and continues to ostracise and neglect them. He is actively being islamophobic, and using a non-issue (the niqab) to prevent the parties from talking about real issues. He made us the only country to ever have pulled out from the Kyoto protocol, a UN initiative. Cuts to education, healthcare, etc but extra spending on military. Cutting taxes on corporations, because “trickle down effect”, which has been proven a lie. The money just stagnates in offshore accounts rather than flows in our economy. But lets tax the middle and lower class more to make up for it, rather than the people who can afford to lose a little more. Taxes on the rich in the 70’s were 40%, now theyre 15%. Thats a significant drop in income for the government that could be funding all the progrmas we need to help every citizen be productive and happy. Helping poor and homeless and marginalized groups has been proven to pay itself off in the long run and make our economy flow better.

      • Shan Dalamani says:

        Yet he authorized those obnoxious “nice hair” attack ads. That’s the kind of juvenile thing that “mean girl” cliques do in junior high school. It was annoying to discover that this is the mentality of the person who thinks we should allow him to continue to be our Prime Minister.

        BTW: Great statesmen don’t hide in the bathroom in Brazil and refuse to come out until they get their way.

    • Raymond Martel says:

      Factual!

    • Maggie Larocque says:

      so you will vote for the man because he ‘stuck to his beliefs’ His beliefs are racist, exclusionary, fear-mongering, and hatred. Also, it is a popularity contest.

    • Heinz Mayr says:

      how can one correct “wrongs” if they are actually “rights”…..and what ever he stuck to is basically one big lie. According to the Auditor General the balanced budget is a $1.6 B deficit., like 9 years before…we will have to see when the books are opened after we get a now government.
      • Fact: The Conservative federal debt in 2008-09 = $457.6-billion.
      • Fact: The expected Conservative debt in 2014-15 = $634.0-billion (forecasted).

      http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/sean-casey/harper-debt-economy_b_3976972.html

    • jarvis brownlie says:

      He ran 7 deficits before he ever “balanced the budget” – and only accomplished that by not spending money that was supposed to be allocated to veterans and a few other people who needed it. Why do you conservatives never notice that Conservatives have the absolute WORST fiscal record of all our governments??? Even though they slash social spending like Scrooges, they still don’t balance the budget. Why? because they run structural deficits to justify cutting more programs, including health care, which they have cut by billions. And what about that transparency and accountability they promised when they were in opposition?? Biggest lies in history – they have run the most secretive government in Canadian history and spend a lot of time and money to ensure that voters cannot find out what they have done.

      • Joey says:

        Why do you realize that for the past 7 years the world has been in the greatest economic toil since the great depression and if you would have had balanced budgets during that time we would all be jobless and wouldn’t have food to put on our tables. Canada is in the BEST economic position of ANY COUNTRY. That is Harper’s legacy.

        • Lex Dunn says:

          Canada weathered the recession because Paul Martin as Finance Minister put in regulations that both the banks and the government had to follow. Harper did NOTHING but take the credit. Have another glass of kool-aid.

        • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

          ‘BEST economic position’ of any country? Depends on what numbers you look at. If you use stock market values the US is doing far better. Pick up a recent copy of The Economist and go to the back pages where it shows economic data by nation for a number of categories. You might be surprised.

    • Lex Dunn says:

      The coverage has not been “slanted”, it has been an appropriate response to Harper’s style of governing, his idealogical inflexibility, his anti-intellectual policies, his shameful fear-mongering and race-baiting, his ever-shifting ethics and his ability to tell several sequential lies on the issue (Duffy: no one knew; only one guy knew; only a dozen people knew; only the entire PMO, the Conservative Senate knew. But I NEVER knew) and believe each one.

      I don’t think he or the CPC has been taken to task enough. I have lived through a lot of Prime Ministers, but I have never seen such a despicable abuse of our parliamentary system to foist a narrow, right wing idealogical agenda on what is essentially a centrist country.

    • JDL says:

      Oh my. Other one who thinks “sticking to your beliefs”, when those beliefs are misguided and doing actual, palable harm, is somehow still honourable on its face. You have been well and truly snowed, friend. Do you remember what principles actually are? Is your last name “Ford”?

      Harper’s fiscal record is far more complicated – and underwhelming – than you have tried to present here, and his presence has cost us dearly in many other ways. Our debt in this country is completely out of control on his watch, and he’s been no “statesman”. It’s sad that Harper’s pulled the wool of his sweater-vests over so many eyes, including yours.

    • Harper is the Trojan Horse of Canadian history…his Reform/Alliance movement swallowed up the Progressive Conservative Party of Canada and has left it with the right wing rabble that we witness today.

      Standing up for one’s beliefs may be laudable, but not if he reshapes, reforms (in a bad way) and alters the country into something that it was never meant to be…Tea Party North. If I want that, I could move to Texas and vote for the Ted Cruz missile of mass reduction of social services. ‘Great statesman?’ The man is even more unpopular than former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney and that really takes some doing. He bows to no one because he thinks that he has the right to morph Canada into something totally unrecognizable and wants to leave Canada a shell of its former self.

    • Judas3ca says:

      “Harper stuck to his beliefs” -Corporate profit over all thats right? Why yes he did didn’t he?

    • Paul Davis says:

      You obviously have a low threshold for great statesman status. Great statesmen do not behave in any way like Stephen Harper who is the opposite of a statesman of any kind.He did not balance the budget.He sold off GM shares(our property) and raided another fund that was not his to take.As for his caucus,not one fit for office, The worst prime minister in my 40 year history in this country. Lets make Canada the great country it was. Consrvatives have always been enemies of the common man.Save Canada.Vote ABC

    • Let us pray that it will be you and three other people. It is what he deserves.

  10. Paul says:

    Hmmm, politics, no thanks.

  11. OMG, Ross! OK, as an Indigenous female, I am scouting open areas as I type. It’s nighttime, but I’m using my phone flashlight to guide me. I hope it’s not too cold by Tuesday.

  12. “Harper stuck to his beliefs, his economic charter, bowing to no one and slashing monies to actually balance our Canadian budget. ”

    Why is bowing to no one a good thing? He is an ELECTED official. His job is to serve the citizens of Canada, not to bulldoze over anyone who gets in the way of his personal ideological agenda. As for balancing the budget–HE hasn’t done that. In fact, considering that his entire campaign (when it didn’t revolve around Justin Trudeau’s hairless chest and portrayal of him as some kind of crazed drug fiend straight out of the 1930s propaganda film “Reefer Madness”) seems to rest on the notion that his economic sense will ensure stability for the country, he’s done a piss poor job for the entire time he’s been in office so far–why would the next four years be any different? He “balanced” his budgets by taking money from social programs (raised by those programs themselves!) and, let’s not forget, by taking the 1.8 billion dollar surplus in E.I. funds and redirecting it to “general revenue” instead of using it for the purpose it was intended–to help support unemployed Canadians who have paid into the system when they lose their jobs. The government is supposed to be holding those funds in trust for those who have paid into it, not using it for other purposes that the Harper government deems important, particularly since during his time in office, the number of unemployed Canadians who have paid their EI premiums and who are eligible to receive EI when they lose their jobs has been reduced to a frightening level. From approximately From 1976 to 1990, the rate of unemployed receiving EI averaged 76%. While Harper has been PM, that number has dropped to less than 40%.

    I don’t want to get into some kind of flame war, but I honestly can’t make sense of why people like you choose to continue to support someone who has shown nothing but complete disdain for the average citizen of our country. You say he didn’t run for a popularity contest and I disagree–if you ask me, asking Canadians to choose their favourite of 3 people is pretty much the definition of a popularity contest and for reasons I cannot fathom, Harper seems to have won a couple of those when it mattered for him at great expense to this country and its people. I pray every day that the public has finally woken up from the long nightmare that has been Harper’s time in office and on Tuesday morning enough of us will have done our part to ensure that we can finally return to calling it the Government of Canada again rather than being forced to endure another four years of The Harper Government.

    • Heather says:

      Thank you !

    • Heinz Mayr says:

      exactly

    • Lex Dunn says:

      This should be required reading. I resent being reduced to a “taxpayer”. I am a CITIZEN.

    • May the long political nightmare of living under Harper’s Canada soon be over and done with. The idea of once again going back down the political drain, even if it is to be a minority government is repelling …as it will just be another plunge deep down into the dank abyss of yet another Harper reality. Living through the long Winter of Canadian Discontent has been far too long to endure under the Harper regime without having a bitter and cruel repetition.

      Harper said that the election isn’t about *him,* yet in reality this election is truly all about him and what he has put the country through. May he go down to ignominious electoral defeat and retreat from Ottawa. True justice would be having the Tories left with two seats in Parliament as has happened in the past.

      After a defeat, Harper could then visit Australia and ask Lynton Crosby to show him the right wing lizards that reside under the rocks Down Under. Oh, oh…perhaps not?

      http://thinkpol.ca/2015/10/15/lynton-crosby-abandons-harper/

      • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

        I agree. This is the first time I have seen stop signs at intersections with the PM’s name below the word STOP. Even at the height of Trudeau hatred in Alberta that never happened. This guy has tried to change Canada to fit his ideological views, and the nation has finally had enough.

      • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

        Rumour has it that even Crosby got tired of the Conservative antics. I heard a report that he stopped dealing with them over the For Bros. matter.

  13. Laura says:

    Thank you for a great morning chuckle! It’s easy to feel frustrated and hopeless after so many years of Harper bullshit. But it is the Canadian way to use satire and humour as a means of criticizing our politicians. I grew up spending Friday nights at home with my parents watching This Hour Has 22 Minutes and The Royal Canadian Air Farce. Those were the days when our politicians knew how to let their hair down without getting involved some scandal that included cocaine or cover ups. The days of Marg Warrior Princess and Colonel Stacy. I really hope we see a revival of political satire in this country if the Conservatives get the boot. Thank you for giving me a little taste of something I have been missing!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      This makes my day. Not blowing my own horn, but I believe you are right; Canadian humour is a gentle ribbing, not a gutting. It’s how I deal. So thanks.

    • If it were not for humour and wonderful satire, the country would have expired from Harperitis long ago.

      Humour is a wonderful way to survive, preventing Canada from totally succumbing to the mind-numbing vitriol and ideology of the Harper years.

  14. Christine Siess says:

    I grew up in Thatcher’s Britain. This all seems earily familiar. If Harper quotes Saint Francis of Assissi I’m moving to Norway!

  15. Ned's Blog says:

    This brougt back painful memories of the morning we discovered George Bush Jr. was re-elected. My editor and I were the first ones in the office and normally we chatted for the first 20 minutes. That morning we still chatted, but it came out sounding like Charlie Brown teacher talk, “wah Wah wah wah wah WTF?!”

  16. Di luhta says:

    Trudeau reminds me of George W Bush.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Never heard that comparison before.

    • Captain Over says:

      There there, it’s okay. With Steve at the helm, your pointy-toed butt kickers will still be acceptable.

    • Terry says:

      Surely you jest!

    • Really? Which parallel solar system have you been visiting?
      George W is more than a little bit further to the right…wing of politics than is Justin Trudeau.

      Even most left wing Canadians would not compare Justin Trudeau to George W Bush.

      Perhaps, ‘Just Watch Me’ Pierre Trudeau could be compared at times to Bush, such as when he had suspended the Canadian Bill of Rights and invoked the War Measures Act on October 16, 1970 to deal with a handful of terrorists who could not have even overthrown Mayor Jean Drapeau’s municipal government, let alone the provincial government of Robert Bourassa.

      Mr. ‘Just Watch Me’ did not require such draconian powers to combat the FLQ and by invoking the WMA, he likely created far more sympathy and support for the democratic separatist movement after the crisis had wound down.

      ‘Un-happy Anniversary,’ War Measures Act. (It has been replaced, along with the Canadian Bill of Rights with other legislation.)

  17. During the 2011 election, I was on an aircraft flying back to Canada from Europe when we heard that Harper had been elected. There were audible groans all around and quiet sobs were heard.

  18. roberthakim says:

    Reblogged this on Robbie's Blog and commented:
    Harper happens to be the best PM!

  19. If you check with history, you can see that Harper has behaved like a Fascist.

  20. Erik Swanson says:

    If the Conservatives do win again, especially if they were to win a majority, would it even be considered legitimate, considering their past history of cheating in elections? Would anyone doubt that the Cons would not be beyond rigging the election? Would there be mass protests and social unrest to get him to step down?

    • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

      The Cons have tried to rig the election by making it more difficult to vote. A lower turnout benefits the Cons. The advanced polls in the Vancouver area had a 45 minute wait to cast a ballot. This is quite different from a few elections ago when Elections Canada people were going to homeless shelters to register voters.

  21. Shawn says:

    If Harper wins, the majority of Canadians have aligned to his policies and agree with his vision of Canada. If that differs from your view, you are free to leave.

    Likewise if anyone else wins.

    • Lex Dunn says:

      Do you know how our” first past the post” system works? Harper has been governing with only 38% of the popular vote. That means – try to keep up – 62% of voters voted AGAINST him. If that differs from your reality, you are free to go to remedial math class. Plus, as a Canadian citizen I have every RIGHT to decry a Prime Minister with whom I disagree. I am not obliged to leave the country, although with Harper as PM, that legislation may yet be enacted. This is so typically a conservative response. “If you don’t like it, lump it.” Conservatives behave as they run the country, like spoiled brats.

      • peaceloveandrockandroll says:

        Well, the maths wouldn’t be that simple actually. In those 62 %, there are people who didn’t care which party would be elected, and also people who thought it was not necessary for them to go vote for the Cons (even if they agreed with them), because they were convinced their candidate would be elected even without their vote. So yeah, saying that 62 % voted against them is quite an hyperbole, maybe the one rossmurray1 was looking for? 😛

      • Jason Cheney says:

        That math works any way you slice it. conservative, liberals or NDP. None of them would have >50%. The majority of Canadians would dislike any PM in power. The last time (and I really have not done the research) there would have been a real lage portion of Canadians voting for one party would have been when Jean Chreatien unseated Kim Campbell (Brian Mulrooney) with only 41.24% of the popular vote with 70.9% of eligible voters exercising their franchise. The majority of Canadians did not vote for Jean Chretien. Whichever way it goes on Monday the majority of Canadians will be unhappy. Those who are happy only because the Conservative party is gone will soon become unhappy in 6 or so months when they realize the person who they did not vote for is not governing in their interests. #reality

        • Lex Dunn says:

          Yes, which is why we need some form of proportional representation so Canadians actually get the government they vote for. Won’t hold my breath waiting for the Cons or the Libs to rush to pass anything meaningful.

        • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

          That’s why I like the French system of runoffs. If nobody gets 50% plus one first time, the top two go into a second round a couple of weeks later. It forces the electorate to give someone a majority. IMHO the various PR systems are too complex and flawed.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Where would I go? I mean, who would have me?

    • Please study up on basic Canadian Politics 101.

      Then, dump First Past the Post and implement Proportional Representation for a truly fascinating and intriguing political system that would keep the Fifth Estate (all of them, not just CBC’s show by that name) very busy and the rest of us possibly entertained.

    • No, I am not ‘free to leave,’ just because I dislike how a vote turned out.

      I won’t leave. How could one possibly go through life without experiencing the mind-numbing long winters where the wind chill sometimes reaches -40. You would deprive me of that, along with the horrors of getting inside a frozen solid metal car after spending far too much time either scraping the ice off or getting rid of the snow covering my vehicle. Not to mention the nefarious prospect of depriving me of Beavertails at Winterlude by saying that I am free ‘to leave?’

      Sounds as if some are taking leave of their senses and have a basic lack of knowledge regarding Democracy 101 if one adopts the standard Republican-style:
      ‘Love it this way or leave it’ outlook, aka:

      “Love it or leave it.” (Leave It to Beaver? aka ‘conservative values.’)

  22. Sean Fitzgerald says:

    Really funny Ross ! Keep it up…

  23. dankyle65 says:

    The funniest thing I have read in years! Do you send it for publication somewhere, online or magazine? You should!!! Thanks, Dan in Comox, BC

  24. Deedub says:

    Omg wow you guys sound like you have done nothing for yourselves and blame the government for everything that you haven’t done, the opportunities are there you just need to make them happen… If you even knew my story I am sure you would back track and look at your own mistakes to see that YOU make your own path not them, not to mention I am almost sure it will be the same (minus large corps cause why would they stay)… And as for the “educated people leaving” BHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sounds like we are losing the…most intelligent people here…..lol😂😂😂😂 kidding, WOW!!! I also believe everything I see on TV did you know you can fly if you believe😳😳😳😮😮

  25. I’ve had this messaged to me by my daughter at Dalhousie University and seen it all over my southern Alberta friends’ Facebook walls. I sincerely hope your Tuesday morning scenario doesn’t happen but I really enjoyed the laughs.

  26. Beautiful.
    Glad to know I have a survival guide in the event of a Harpocalypse.

  27. meganva says:

    Reblogged this on meganonatrailer and commented:
    I know it’s been a long time since I posted anything, but I was in tears laughing while reading this, and I’ve been pretty active on other social networks regarding this upcoming federal election. I sure hope we don’t have to employ any of these tactics!

  28. bob mackenzie says:

    Glad to be aboard..

  29. Tony B says:

    Lol – love it! Since it’s all in the spirit of satire, please do a follow up one now about how if the Lib’s get in we can all dress up in niqab’s every day of the year. Think of the 7-11 raids! And we won’t have to identify ourselves in the suspect line up either! Halloween fun every day of the year … lmao! … And we can throw out our political correctness and make all kinds of stupid statements, Let’s start with, Oppression is now the new Democracy, “I love dictatorships because they oppress people in horrible ways but they get stuff done so I respect them!” Or how about we overhaul the Justice system to create the “Neutrality System” … “I mean, let’s be neutral about it – he only killed 2 and injured 500 with his bomb, right? Don’t point fingers now.” You are much wittier than I am so fly at it hehe … I won’t even start on Mulcair.

    • Tony B says:

      Imagine the “where’s waldo” games we can play now at parties if we’re all suited up in the niqab’s? … lol – now this is fun. of course, then we won’t be able to tell the con’s from the lib’s from the ndp – or would we have to be relegated to our colors? … no, that would be against my right to color-coordinate myself lol.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I think you’ve got this.

  30. What would I do, should Harper return to power? First…

    Next…
    Steer Canada out of the parallel universe that it must have accidentally slipped into, because rational voters would not re-elect the Tories. The country will have to be redirected out of this unnerving parallel universe and back to the calmness of the real Canadian universe of no more Stephen Harper.

  31. George says:

    How much would an assasin cost?

  32. They’re going to need better equipment to get me to come out from under the porch! :p 😉 I’m gonna make myself a nice cozy home there to ride out until next election. *hisssss*

  33. Oh Ross, I sincerely hope I don’t need your survival guide.

    Really fun. 😀

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Fingers crossed very tightly. But you know what? We will survive either way.

      • Carl Ball says:

        I have had to remind myself that the world will still go on if he who shall remain nameless should be reelected. I really do freak out a bit over the idea that that many people could be so inclined, so I appreciated this post. I know at this point there is really not much chance of anything beyond a minority and I can’t imagine any other party working with him but still………….

        Kind of like getting crabs. You know where they came from and you know the cure will work but still………..

  34. Reblogged this on In the Net! – Stories of Life and Narcissistic Survival and commented:
    Please check out this great post from Ross Murray. Ross knows how to really capture the essence of the main event that will be taking place for us Canadians on Monday.

  35. rarsamx says:

    While the the polls indicate that they may not win, we shouldn’t underestimate the power of fear that harper has been using. it is up to us to ensure they don’t form another government. Join “vote together” all other parties have in their platform that will push for proportional representation. So, one mor strategic vote then when proportional representation

  36. Devo says:

    Soooo. Who do I Vote for then? Please enlighten me with a strait up opinion and quick fact of why I should vote Liberal or NDP. TRUST ME I am not voting conservative…. so therefore the question is now… who else???!??!?!?!?!?!??!?
    Everything I hear about Harper is terrible and everyone can talk shit about the shit he did…….Although, No one can seem to explain why I should vote liberal or New D without talking shit about Harper….

    • Karyn Walker says:

      Liberals have said they will put
      Billions into infrastructure, hopefully creating tons more jobs. NDP says they will make universal daycare at $15.00 a day. So if you don’t have a job maybe vote Liberal. If you do have a job but no daycare try NDP.

      • Icey says:

        I am voting for real change! Tired of the regurgitation of the same three political parties! Even though the Green Party will not win every seat the do win is a step ahead to a brighter future for Canada.

    • SFwriter says:

      I cannot guarantee these figures are correct, but I read that the NDP needs 33 seats to displace Harper and the Liberals would need 100 seats to beat him. Strategically it’s probably best to go NDP. I grew up NOT voting for Justin’s Dad (PET), so I’m biased against the youngster I suppose, but just to get rid or Harper, the NDP has the best chance from what I can interpret…

      Like many of you I’m still stunned that people could even consider still voting for Harper. However, for the time being, it’s still a free country…

      • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

        I’m voting NDP in Edmonton Strathcona simply to pile on the votes for Mulcair. The NDP is a shoo-in here, the Cons aren’t even trying and don’t have a campaign HQ. I have been a Liberal all my life. This time around I think an NDP government will get Canada back on track faster than the Libs. I have always voted Liberal because I found them to be the most pragmatic. In this case principle overrides moderation. Besides Mulcair is hardly on the loony left of the Dippers. He was a Liberal cabinet minister in La Belle Province after all.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      You’ve come to the wrong place for straight answers.

    • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

      Vote for whoever has the best chance of winning in your riding so long as it’s not a Conservative.

  37. That sounds awful! Thank goodness nothing like that will ever happen here. Right?

    First we send you McDonald’s. Now we give you bad politics. You’re welcome!

    Hey, Ross. It looks like this post blew up the Internet. Congratulations, brother! Now others will know the genius that we’ve known all along.

  38. Island Kitty says:

    Well done, Ross

    • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

      Rely on The National Pest to spin the story to suit their ideology. I have personal experience of that. I wrote a letter to the editor of the NP in the last year or so correcting something that one of their reporters had written about the rifles the Northern Rangers carried. The NP slant was to show how badly equipped our military is. The NP edited my letter and changed my wording so that it obliterated the point I was making. I now don’t even trust that the letters to editor section in the NP is accurate. This is the first time this had ever happened to me. Even the right wing Alberta Report in its day printed my letters as written.

  39. Sabeen says:

    Hope it doesnt come to this!

  40. Eileen McRae says:

    Hmm…this sure has provoked a lot of Harper haters to crawl out of the woodwork! I have lived under nearly half of all the Prime Ministers that Canada has had, and, I have become a staunch Conservative supporter! This is based on the experiences I have had living under Liberal regimes! I lived through the enactment of the War Measures Act by Trudeau, Sr., and that was a scary time in Quebec! If you want to talk “an iron fist” controlling society, think of that time! I have lived through times when the Prime Minister mocked the Queen of England! How is that for arrogance! So, although there are “some” things in your article that I find amusing, I am not amused by many of the responses! But, each to his own, as the saying goes!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Can’t control the responses, but hoping it’s taken in the spirit it’s meant.

    • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

      I lived through the October crisis in Montreal as well. It was scary in the sense that we didn’t know what was going on. The preceding years were scarier when you wondered if it was safe to drop a letter into a mailbox lest a bomb go off. It was certainly scary for the 400 people the cops jailed and forced to listen to English radio while locked up. Montreal was actually safer during that time because crime dropped. There was story floating around that the Montreal mob was looking for Cross’s kldnapers as avidly as the police because all that security was cutting into their operations.

  41. Pingback: What to do in the event you wake up Tuesday morning and Stephen Harper is still Prime Minister | Ecocide Alert

  42. Andre says:

    BLOODY IDIOT Socialist will do anything and try everything to get in power!!!!!!!!! We don’t need more refugees, we need Honest Immigrants. We don’t need more taxes, we need Less. We don’t need more Social Programs, we need to teach self reliance. We don’t need Political Correctness, we need accepting responsibility for your actions. We don’t need foreign laws, we need to enforce ours. We don’t need Legalizing Marijuana for recreational purposes, we need to stamp out the use of it for that purpose. And so on, and so on. This Great Country is being dragged down byt the like of Notley, Wynne, Trudeau, Mulcair and others who have NO BLOODY CLUE as to what being a Real Canadian is like. Socialism has been the Downfall of EVERY civilization that has instituted it. And usually by Others who are willing to do everything to get it!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  43. Gary Ross says:

    Ver good!
    Is funny.
    Not scared, not scared, not scared…….
    Purring kitten helps.
    Scared!

  44. Being Tori says:

    Reblogged this on Being Tori in Victoria and commented:
    I stole this because it’s funny, and terrifyingly possible that I may have to refer to it on Tuesday.

  45. Leni Spooner says:

    Reblogged this on Common Canadians and commented:
    With luck … the world will look much better on October 20th 2105

  46. Kevin says:

    Fucking Kill myself!! Fuck Harper!

    • Lech Lesiak (RCAF 1961-68) says:

      I saw that sentiment written in chalk on the wall of a Baptist church in Edmonton. It stayed up for a couple of days, long enough for me to take a photo and post it on my FB page.

  47. Jeff says:

    Usually me and my wife search through Netflix on a Sat. night and enjoy some down time. This Sat. night I found this post and have read everything out loud to her. Have to say Ross, this has been a very enjoyable alternative. Thanks. Will be a faithful follower if we are all still here! (after Tues).These comments have made me realize a few things. Or four things.
    1. If voting percentages follow suit with these comments I don’t need to dig a hole under my neighbor’s concrete front porch:)
    2. Canada has some excellent writers.
    3. American (as in US variety) Democrat supporters are not just a myth (we have family in Florida) and they are surprisingly friendly.
    4. Some of the posts my have been made by robots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!oops

    PS. Kevin: I completely understand, resonates in my soul brother.
    But easy though.

    PSS. Did any one know about the Hit Man thing?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Glad you and your wife liked and that I usurped Netflix. Maybe we can start a new Internet meme: “Ross Murray and chill.”
      As for the comments, this is usually a civil, friendly place, so the range of, shall we say, tone has been interesting.
      See you around, I hope.

  48. Jeff says:

    PSSS. 4. Some of the posts *may* have been made by robots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!oops
    I am not one of those great writers.

    To katiemccready: Bravo!

    PSSSS? Are the Con supporters mostly hostile and angry?
    Trudeau and Mulcair have a solution for that 😉

  49. I’m so sorry, but this is too funny!😂 I’ll have to keep this in mind if Donald Trump winds up as President of the U.S.!

  50. 👏 nothing further need be said 😂 I Am CANADIAN

  51. Letizia says:

    The link to the article on being a dual citizen (at first I wrote duel citizen, but that’s a something else entirely) was fascinating.

  52. Tara says:

    This is hilarious! Well done. I will be voting Conservative on Monday and I hope to be able to use this guide on Tuesday morning.

  53. Mona says:

    This is wonderful! I’m going to print it off and make sure it’s in front of my bleary eyeballs on Tuesday morning.

  54. Kat says:

    If I look for the silver lining in this post, at least I can say that it’ll be nice to have someone holding my hand and telling me that everything will be ok. Charming and good looking would be a bonus, but retired astronauts are more my type.
    I found this post on Facebook, and I am very pleased to be able to re-share it. A great read and a true statement of the times.

  55. Jan Bacon says:

    I will now be able to vote tomorrow… with a smile on my face (in this blue blue riding in Calgary)… and of course hope in my heart that peeps have woken up.

  56. reverend chad says:

    I’ve been feeling conciliatory ahead of this long vile election myself. I may have a horse in it, but man, this has been one divisive shit storm on all sides,

  57. louisdibianco says:

    This whole discourse is drivel. An idle pastime for people who think they are smart because they can express political opinions. Bring it on, haters. I expect your pettiness to react.

  58. Pingback: Best and Worst of #Elxn42 – The Blooper Reel | Elle Beaver

  59. Une canadienne errante says:

    As a Canadian living south of the border for over 20 years, I have to say that yes, Canadians do say “aboot”. I still get called on it. After 20 years. Usually after a few beers. Embrace it. 🙂

    Also, thanks to Stephen Harper, I can’t vote. Nor can the estimate 1.4 million Canadians who live abroad and have been out of the country for over 5 years. (Yes, the law passed in 1993, but was not enforced until Harper.) I’m sure he figured out that Canadians living abroad were less likely to vote for him. What a buffoon. Good luck tonight my fellow hosers.

  60. Paul says:

    Oh, Oh – 🙂 9:08 Eastern time : Only Eastern Canada has reported and Liberals are declared won or leading in all 33 seats. Interviewed Conservatives saying it is far too early to tell. Bwahahaha! They are still hoping to form a majority government.

  61. Please read this latest research report.

  62. Very new to all of this and finding my way around Ross. I love the way you write and hoping it will inspire me! No doubt things fall into place eventually with how this all works. Greetings from Sydney, Australia.

  63. Mr. Trudeau owes you a big bouquet of flowers. You don’t think this post had anything to do with it? I sure do!

  64. Pingback: It’s Already A Better Tuesday Morning |

  65. Pingback: Relatively viral | Drinking Tips for Teens

  66. Jeff says:

    Oh I almost forgot..
    Amen!

  67. Pingback: Shopping the Laughless Blues Away | Drinking Tips for Teens

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