Why your next employee should be a former non-athlete and probably the one after that too

will work for snacksEmployment-wise, it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. And why are the dogs eating dogs? Because they’re out of dog food. But surely they could they eat something else, like garbage. Dogs eat garbage all the time. Good dogs, bad dogs, they can’t get enough of garbage. Why do dogs have to resort to gobbling other dogs? The answer, you probably don’t know, is that dogs are delicious. Dogs, strangely enough, do know this.

Thankfully, this reference to dog cannibalism is merely a metaphor for the competitive climate for contemporary job seekers. Too many people chasing after a too small slice of pie.

Pie! Dogs could eat pie instead of other dogs. Someone should start a campaign: more pies for dogs. Let’s get a Facebook group going, make it a dog-eat-pie world. Be the chow you want to see in the world.

Meanwhile, companies looking to hire non-dogs are overwhelmed with résumés from candidates bragging about their previous job experience or trying to parlay that time they went surfing in Maui as “a world-view outlook.” With so many job seekers and so many variables, it’s tempting for companies to listen to conventional wisdom and put team-playing, self-disciplined former athletes at the top of the candidate pile.

WRONG! Hoo boy, are they wrong.

Companies wanting to hire the very best employees should look no further than lifelong non-athletes. Did you know that five out of the last 11 U.S. presidents were non-athletes? Rather than hanging out in the gym at college or missing school for away games, those future commanders-in-chief were in class, taking notes, selling those notes to the jocks, learning about capitalism and how to manipulate the scholastically deprived.

Torn between someone whose dreams of going pro were crushed and someone who never had dreams in the first place, here are five traits that will make you choose the non-athletes:

  1. They’re injury-free
    All that laying about has kept non-athletes’ muscles supple and bones intact, making them less likely to require valuable time off for physiotherapy and more likely to remain slouched at their work stations for long, uninterrupted periods, thereby increasing productivity. Statistically, non-athletes are 70% less likely to arrive at work with a javelin sticking out of their thorax than former athletes, a situation that can cause emotional distress to other employees and breakage within the tight confines of the lunch room. And as an employer, ask yourself: concussion, or no concussion? It’s a no-brainer.
  1. They’re self-disciplined
    Years of resisting social pressure to try out for sports teams, play some pick-up hockey, walk, etc. have transformed former non-athletes into strong-willed individuals who are not afraid to say, “I have stuff that needs… stuffing.” Non-athletes have learned to listen to their body, and what their body says is, “Pass the remote.” In the corporate world, this translates to workers who are willing to stand up for what they believe in, as long as they can do so sitting down.
  1. They’re team players
    I know: irony, right? But non-athletes have never been singled out in their entire lives, have never been rewarded for their accomplishments – or at least none that, you know, matter – have never demanded $6 million salaries for being really good at Dungeons & Dragon. After years of being systematically deprived of approval, non-athletes are primed to throw themselves wholly into that sense of belonging and shared purpose offered by successful companies. And cults.
  1. They’re open-minded
    Goal-oriented, focused on success at all costs, driven – the non-athlete is none of these. Non-athletes understand that sometimes the best thing you can do is give up and have a snack. Is that javelin fellow out of the lunch room yet? Thank God! For non-athletes, failure is part of everyday life. Giving up clears the way for a new start and fresh ideas and a chance to change into sweatpants. Non-athletes don’t give 110% because that, they explain snootily, is technically impossible.
  1. They’re reliable
    Non-athletes aren’t going to step out of their comfort zone to participate in some bloody marathon or go running off to get they’re masters in sports bloody therapy. They’re not running off anywhere. Plus, you can be guaranteed that a non-athlete will never, ever eat a dog.
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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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25 Responses to Why your next employee should be a former non-athlete and probably the one after that too

  1. List of X says:

    I think that chess and debate team members should have the best of both worlds. Which is good, because if you try to convince a master debater that they’re not a good match for the position, you’re probably just going to lose anyway.

  2. Besides, dog’s don’t eat dog’s (unless they’re really hungry and even then they leave the liver).

  3. franhunne4u says:

    Oh no – you just made my life living hell as a non-athlete – now every head-hunter will hunt ME!

  4. LifeLoofah says:

    “And as an employer, ask yourself: concussion, or no concussion? It’s a no-brainer.” Literary gold… love this post!

  5. Some cultures consider dogs to be yummy. Maybe they need the pie. 🙂

  6. I thought I had something witty to contribute and then forgot. Something about athletes eating dogs? I can’t remember. I’ll show myself out.

  7. ksbeth says:

    and you don’t have the added expense of providing them with a ‘company athletic cup.’ – for their own protection of course

  8. Tez says:

    Oh, so I might get a job. Do you think I should disclose in my resume the fact that my recliner is now welded to my very corpulent body? Will I get preference for that? Should I mention my age is 70? That’s a long time to gain experience as a non-athlete, it really should go in my favour. This is so exciting, I need a cuppa tea and a lie down. See you later Employment Mentor.

    PS: Will you please tell all potential employees that I can ‘lick road clean wit’ tongue’ being so old and from Yorkshire. That’s a deal breaker!

    PPS: This post is a corker. So well done.

  9. Yahooey says:

    I think the marketers would call the pie a tart or a cake. Dog pie sounds like something you want to avoid stepping in.

    Does going to the gym count for athlete status? Regardless, I would qualify, either as non-athlete in the sense intended or in the literal sense as a formerly idle gym goer (i.e. I am a no longer a non-athelete).

  10. SOME cultures know that dogs are delicious. Has anyone made that joke yet?

    Non-athletes never let a pesky thing like drive and ambition get in the way. We—I mean they—are content to sit on the sideline and keep score.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      If you had read all the comments, you would see you are the first. If you’re not going to do your homework, young man, then I can’t help you.

      Some of my best friends are statisticians.

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