The Kitchen Story; or, The Nutivity

And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree that a new kitchen counter would be installed a week before Christmas. And all were on board, each in his own way, because it was a professional doing it and not Dad.

But Dad, being a worrisome man, and not willing to put himself in debt, was minded to put this off indefinitely, as they had for a good 15 years. But while he thought on these things, behold, Debbie his wife appeared unto him over coffee, saying, “Ross, son of Bob, fear not to tackle this job, for that which we have conceived of here is a carpenter willing to do it. And we shall do ourselves the cupboards, and we shalt also paint the ceiling, for this shall save us a couple of bucks.”

And Dad also went into the hardware store, which is called Rona, to select knobs for the kitchen cabinets, because he was surely competent to do this, and to register a line of credit, which he is good for, together with Debbie his wife, who was great with ideas.

And so it was that, while he was there, that the days for the knobs to be delivered – for there were not enough in stock – were 14 days. And Dad brought home the 12 on hand, and screwed one in place to try, and laid the rest in a manger, because there was no way those ugly knobs were going in.

And there were in the same house children watching their Netflix at night. And, lo, a parent stood by them and glaring all around them, and they were sore afraid.

And the parent said unto them, “Be afraid all right, for behold, I bring you big news, which shall be to all the people who expect to have their laundry done; for unto us is built this day a counter in the kitchen, which is stained but not yet varnished. And this shall be a warning unto you: ye shall not leave any dishes or soddening cloths lying on the counter.

“Oh, and we have no kitchen sink for two or three days.”

And suddenly there was from the children a multitude of questions, asking, “Good glory in the highest, how on earth are we to wash of the dishes or prepare of the meals?” which was sore ironic, considering.

And it came to pass, as the parents were gone away from them to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens, the children said one to another, “Let us now go even unto the bathroom, and wash these things from our supper, which the parents hath prepared for us before they left, even though it was their anniversary outing.”

And they washed with haste, and left lettuce lying in the bathtub.

And when they had done it, they made known that the leaving of dishes on the bathroom floor for the parents to come home to was no big deal because, look, we did the dishes.

And all they that heard it wondered at those things, which were told them by the parents, who proved it by posting pictures on Instagram.

But Dad remembered all these things, and will ponder them next time they want the car.


Now when the counters were being built in the days of no water, behold, there came the wise idea, Deb saying, “Why not purge these cupboards? For we have seen this grime on the shelves, which must come off if we are to paint them.”

When Dad had heard these things, he was troubled, and all the children with him, for they were not too fond of change.

And when he had gathered all bags of expired sesame seeds and novelty placemats together, he demanded of Deb where they should be thrown. And she said unto him, “In recycling or compost, for thus it is written by the town on this handy waste management guide.”

And Dad sent his children under the sink, and said, “Go and search diligently for the missing lid; and when ye have found it, bring me word again, that I may come and put it with this random travel mug.”

When they had heard the Dad, they departed; and who can blame them?

And when they were come back into the house, they saw glasses on the table and filled them: and when they had drunk their water, they surely did splash some unto the unvarnished counter; spots, freakin’ stains, and more.

And being warned that Dad might scream that they should not get the counter wet, they departed into their own room another way.

Because I know I didn’t make those spots!

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Family - whadya gonna do?, It Really Did Happen! and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

26 Responses to The Kitchen Story; or, The Nutivity

  1. Oh, Ross! You make me laugh.
    This brought back too many memories of when we DIY’d our kitchen…three times.
    Nothing says yummy and sanitary like doing dishes in the bathroom 🙂

  2. sandy vandervalk says:

    And on the 157th day (I’m sure it was that many days) of the bathroom renovation at our dwelling, when the contractor said to us “Behold…I have now sealed thy new slate floor, do not walk on it until the sun returns to this same position tomorrow lest ye be left with horrible permanent scars on said floor”, all got the message…save the cat…

  3. Awesome piece! Having lived through many renovations all I can say is blessed be ye who hath not suffered greatly through the renovation of the room of the bath and the plague of no toilet.

  4. This was awesome! Years ago, my pre-Christmas kitchen reno from another company (who shall remain anonymous with their orange and black logo) did not fare so well.

  5. List of X says:

    Personally, I’m a kitchen renovation atheist, and lucky for me, we’re renting, for it is said in our lease contract, “Thou shall not modify kitchen furnishings, for the Landlord hath seen them and He saw they are good, and should the inhabitants break this commandment, they shall be cast out upon the end of one full moon cycle.”

  6. ksbeth says:

    happy christmas to you and yours, ross son of bob.

  7. Elyse says:

    Oh dear. We are going to do some fixing soon … therefore I really did not enjoy this Ross. Would you please rewrite it and tell me there were no problems? Thanks. 😉

    (Happy Holidays)

  8. Jeff says:

    Chuckling…Very chuckling.

  9. If you don’t like the way the counter comes out, you can always consult The Book of Armaments.

  10. Hahaha. A wonderful story of the season. And as for your shower salad, maybe it’ll become a new thing for your family – the spa lunch.

  11. R. Todd says:

    Ok, so someone already made the Monty Python reference, but that is how I was reading this the entire time. Just remember, 5 is right out.

  12. This is one of the funniest things I have read in a long while!!

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