1. Poke a Hungarian.
2. Learn a new language and then speak it only with people who don’t understand it.
3. Find a receipt, take it to the store, say you lost the item but ask for your money back anyway.
4. Catch snow on your tongue. All the snow.
5. Go to a fish market and use the octopi as hand puppets.
6. Every time you get up to go to the bathroom, announce “Spoiler alert!”
7. Attend a sporting event and “shush” your fellow spectators.
8. When dining out, let the waiter know you’re on a low-crab diet.
9. Purloin a letter.
10. Sirloin a steak.
11. Put a little wiggle in it.
12. Renovate the kitchen, but not your own kitchen.
13. Wear a hat at a jaunty angle and see who your real friends are.
14. Refuse to use the word “trenchant.”
15. Volunteer at a meat packing plant.
16. Read a poem a day to a co-worker – the same co-worker.
17. Sell a pint of your blood on eBay.
18. Read a book written by a woman of colour who likes back rubs, long walks on the beach and spearfishing.
19. Read a book in which waffles play a key role.
20. Read a book that affirms your belief that it’s okay to be a terrible person.
21. Read a book by a Stanstead-based humour columnist, expected to be published this fall.
22. Note to self: publish a book this fall.
23. Start a feud with Jonathan Franzen.
24. Whatever you shave, shave half.
25. Indulge in ostentatious public weeping.
26. Ask a neighbour if you can borrow a cup of sangria.
27. Become a long-haul trucker in a dead-end town, or write a country song with that title.
28. Tattoo your toddler, post photos online, then stand back.
29. Sit in a hospital emergency room and judge people.
30. Run a 5K in handcuffs with a panicked look on your face.
31. Offer slices of white bread to strangers.
32. Campaign for mandatory leash laws for squirrels.
33. Sound your barbaric yawp over the roofs of the laundromat.
34. Dance like no one is washing.
35. Refuse to read point no. 35 on lists.
36. Take a bucket, fill it with AA batteries and dump it over your head. Then challenge acquaintances via social media to do the same. This does not raise money for anything, except battery manufacturers.
37. Try your hand at cloning.
38. Don’t be afraid to pontificate, but if you do, be sure to clean up after yourself.
39. Pull off one last heist.
40. Say yes to the dress but no to the backhoe.
41. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and your accountant closest of all.
42. Commit to going to the gym daily, at least until security says you can’t stand there and laugh at the customers anymore.
43. Listen to the audio warning below, originally prepared for CBC Radio’s “Breakaway.”
44. Eliminate the negative people in your life. If you need help, I know a guy…
45. Touch this cold metal pole with your tongue.
46. Do a little dance,
47. Make a little love
48. Get down tonight.
50. Get down tonight.
51. As with pants, make maturity optional.
52. Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.
A Hole in the Ground – A Novel
- The heartbreak of creativity: a public service announcement
- If I sue, will it be in litter-gation?
- What to do in the event you wake up Tuesday morning and Stephen Harper is still Prime Minister
- I am carrying this live skunk to protest everything Donald Trump stands for
- This land is my land, or how do you make a Nippising?
- Home alone… with pets
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