Your 2016 challenge of challenges

1. Poke a Hungarian.
2. Learn a new language and then speak it only with people who don’t understand it.
3. Find a receipt, take it to the store, say you lost the item but ask for your money back anyway.
4. Catch snow on your tongue. All the snow.
5. Go to a fish market and use the octopi as hand puppets.
6. Every time you get up to go to the bathroom, announce “Spoiler alert!”
7. Attend a sporting event and “shush” your fellow spectators.
8. When dining out, let the waiter know you’re on a low-crab diet.
9. Purloin a letter.
10. Sirloin a steak.
11. Put a little wiggle in it.
12. Renovate the kitchen, but not your own kitchen.
13. Wear a hat at a jaunty angle and see who your real friends are.
14. Refuse to use the word “trenchant.”
15. Volunteer at a meat packing plant.
16. Read a poem a day to a co-worker – the same co-worker.
17. Sell a pint of your blood on eBay.
18. Read a book written by a woman of colour who likes back rubs, long walks on the beach and spearfishing.
19. Read a book in which waffles play a key role.
20. Read a book that affirms your belief that it’s okay to be a terrible person.
21. Read a book by a Stanstead-based humour columnist, expected to be published this fall.
22. Note to self: publish a book this fall.
23. Start a feud with Jonathan Franzen.
24. Whatever you shave, shave half.
25. Indulge in ostentatious public weeping.
26. Ask a neighbour if you can borrow a cup of sangria.
27. Become a long-haul trucker in a dead-end town, or write a country song with that title.
28. Tattoo your toddler, post photos online, then stand back.
29. Sit in a hospital emergency room and judge people.
30. Run a 5K in handcuffs with a panicked look on your face.
31. Offer slices of white bread to strangers.
32. Campaign for mandatory leash laws for squirrels.
33. Sound your barbaric yawp over the roofs of the laundromat.
34. Dance like no one is washing.
35. Refuse to read point no. 35 on lists.
36. Take a bucket, fill it with AA batteries and dump it over your head. Then challenge acquaintances via social media to do the same. This does not raise money for anything, except battery manufacturers.
37. Try your hand at cloning.
38. Don’t be afraid to pontificate, but if you do, be sure to clean up after yourself.
39. Pull off one last heist.
40. Say yes to the dress but no to the backhoe.
41. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer and your accountant closest of all.
42. Commit to going to the gym daily, at least until security says you can’t stand there and laugh at the customers anymore.
43. Listen to the audio warning below, originally prepared for CBC Radio’s “Breakaway.”
44. Eliminate the negative people in your life. If you need help, I know a guy…
45. Touch this cold metal pole with your tongue.
46. Do a little dance,
47. Make a little love
48. Get down tonight.
49. Ooo!
50. Get down tonight.
51. As with pants, make maturity optional.
52. Go to your room and think about what you’ve done.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in It Could Happen..., Turn that radio on! and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to Your 2016 challenge of challenges

  1. franhunne4u says:

    You can do 12 at MY kitchen – you are welcome.
    21 – WHICH Stanstead – there is one with an airport – but I do not know if anybody there published a book …
    36 I already have half a (small) bucket – with empty batteries … I collect them till they reopen the recycling facility around the corner – in April – unless they do a Berlin airport on that …
    42 – I could do this, I totally could do this – there is no security outside the one gym that lies on my way home!
    52 I would love to but WHICH of the non-functional rooms in my flat is MY room? The cats disagree with the living room (the tom hates it when I disturb his nap on the couch) and with the bed-room (the cat prefers to take her nap on the bed – in the middle of it. Of course!) And if I dare to use the 3rd room with the computer, my tom follows me and meows – because I sit “in his loo” – well, in the room where his 3 litter trays are – and he is very, very squeamish …

    • rossmurray1 says:

      So many questions! (Incidentally, I nearly added “Fraulein a Fran” after “Sirloin a steak,” but enough was enough.) To answer:
      Stanstead, Quebec, on the Vermont border.
      I think you should go to whatever room and think about how many cats you have.

      • franhunne4u says:

        I have three rooms and two cats which are able to follow me from room to room – no matter which room I flee to. And that includes the bathroom (without a bathtub – only showers to be taken in there … and some other things to be done on which I will not elaborate, you are welcome).

  2. Cheyanne says:

    DYING. Hahahaha I choked on my coffee. Thank you for this.

  3. Great list but I think you need to update number 16 so that it is not only the same co worker but the same poem.

  4. Corinne Smith says:

    I think I love you rossmurray1. Finally a to-do list that makes sense.

  5. So what’s the story here? I want to know the mechanics of how it came about. Has it been sitting around for days and you occasionally added an instruction? Or did you sit and bang this out all in one feel swoop? You can use a chicken as a hand puppet, but not an octopus. Don’t ask me how I know. Just take my word for it.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      This one came about over a few days, once I came up with the idea. I also had most of a day sitting in a hospital waiting room (don’t worry, nothing too serious) so that was a bit of a time killer. Originally, this was going to be for my Thursday newspaper column, but then I felt too many lists lately. Plus, this really didn’t have a point. So it’s exclusive here and an excuse to post my audio piece. Lucky you.

  6. Carrie Rubin says:

    “11. Put a little wiggle in it.”—Hehe, my teen sons would probably die of horror if I did that.

  7. Seems like a lot of stuff. I will try to poke a Hungarian, though. Blasted Hungarians. They’re like two countries away from Turkey, and they’re still Hungary. Sorry.

  8. I don’t know why but 8 really made me laugh! Maybe because I used to be an East Coaster. And 18-21… I told my kids the other day my goal this year was to just read a book… any book… just one. Now that would be an accomplishment!!

  9. ksbeth says:

    and – #19 done!

  10. This is a brilliant list. I’m a big fan of including some nonsense resolutions to keep the year interesting.

  11. dankyle65 says:

    Some of these are GOLD!!!

  12. Dina Honour says:

    Pontificating IS a messy business, isn’t it? (Come to Denmark where adults regularly shush other adults, at sporting events, rock concerts, on the bus and just about anywhere else)

    • rossmurray1 says:

      That sounds rather severe. A national of grandmas.

      • Dina Honour says:

        Severe is a nice way of putting it. Infuriating is another. Jaw-dropping? I’ve had friends shushed at Eurovision, at a Soundgarden concert, and remind me to tell you about the time I was walking my kids through the ‘quiet car’ on the train and their rather loud whispers disturbed the man in the sleep mask….

  13. goldfish says:

    I’m making 49 my 1 through 52. I will success.

  14. Wonderful, Ross, completely wonderful. Happy New Year. 🙂

  15. Pingback: Weekly Reader 34: Back to the Real World Edition | Tangerine Wallpaper

  16. R. Todd says:

    Reblogged this on Thoughts from the Front and commented:
    Alright… it’s a list. But it’s a great list!

  17. Great list! I’m particularly fond of #46…

  18. Ahdad says:

    It seems like a lot of reading…doesn’t it?

  19. That gave me the best laugh of the day! No – the year (so far, anyway)!

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