The Bedding Contract

Spokane_ENT_Snoring_and_Sleep_ApneaWhereas the parties referred to herein have shared a bed on a nocturnal basis for considerable time in accordance to accepted socio-marital norms and sleeping patterns, notwithstanding that as time passes, said sleeping patterns are becoming increasingly weird; and whereas the parties wish to maintain peaceful relations pursuant to the good governance of a decent night’s sleep; the parties do willingly and without prejudice agree to the following terms and conditions:

  1. THE PARTIES. This agreement is made between SPOUSE A (hereinafter referred to as “Spouse A”) and SPOUSE B (hereinafter referred to as “Spouse McAwesomeSauce”).
    1. Notwithstanding the above, Spouse A reserves the right to refer to SPOUSE B as “a bit of an ass.”
    2. Spouse McAwesomeSauce agrees to 1.A because Spouse McAwesomeSauce thought of coming up with a cool contract name, so whatever…

  1. DIVISION OF TERRITORY.
    1. The territory of the sleeping area shall be divided evenly in half.
    2. Each party agrees to use reasonable restraint in order that encroachment onto the other party’s half be limited to appendages (hands, arms, feet, legs, etc.) unless said appendages are: icy cold; all jaggedy; inexplicably reeking of cheese.
    3. Body-to-body contact (“snuggling”) is permitted based on: verbal agreement; kind of a vibe; the God-given right to steal another party’s body heat.
      1. Any activities beyond acceptable standards of snuggling are pursuant to a separate agreement and are not covered within the scope of this contract.
    4. In the event that one party vacates the bed, the remaining party is entitled to fully encroach the vacated territory (“sprawl”). The vacating party renounces all hold on the territory unless said party was just in the bathroom for two minutes, for crying out loud. A sprawl does not grant unlimited rights and privileges to the vacating party’s territory, and definitely no drooling.
  1. BREATHING.
    1. The parties hereby agree to breathe to the best of their abilities in a respectful and non-invasive manner, inasmuch as they are asleep and really can’t be held accountable.
    2. Should Party One turn over in a conscious or semi-conscious state to face Party Two and discover that Party Two is already facing Party One, Party One must turn his or her face away and not breathe into Party Two’s face, even if Party Two is dead asleep, because, let’s face it, Party One isn’t going to want Party Two’s death breath in his or her own face either.
      1. Party One agrees not to sigh noisily or flounce dramatically so as to awaken Party Two, thereby forcing the potentiality of Party Two becoming the turner-over-er.
      2. Both parties agree not to pretend to be asleep in order to wait it out.
    3. Should one party commence snoring, clicking, wheezing, etc., the other party reserves the right to nudge, poke and/or bludgeon with a pillow, as required, without reprisal.
    4. Notwithstanding 3.C, the non-snoring party may opt not to nudge, etc. but instead inform the snoring party the following morning that he or she was snoring. The answer to “Why didn’t you just wake me?” then becomes, “Because 3.D,” which is just as logical.
  1. PETS. Given the limited nature of the sleeping territory, the parties agree that the accommodation of pets must be achieved as respectfully and hairlessly as possible.
    1. Spouse A agrees, inasmuch as possible, to confine the pet(s) to her allotted territory. (See 2.A) The addition of pet(s) does not entitle Spouse A to more territory, no matter how much she doesn’t want to disturb them because look how cozy they are.
    2. Should pet(s) encroach Spouse McAwesomeSauce’s territory, he reserves the right to relocate them in a gentle, non-kicking manner.
    3. Spouse McAwesomeSauce further agrees to let pet(s) sleep on Spouse A’s head, even though that is clearly non-conducive to a good night’s sleep and also bat crazy.
    4. Should head-perched pet(s) commence snoring, clicking and/or wheezing, Spouse McAwesomeSauce reserves the right to poke, nudge or, if necessary, relocate pet(s);
    5. Pursuant to the above, Spouse McAwesomeSauce cannot be held responsible for scratches inflicted to Spouse A’s head during relocation.
    6. Specific to the dog, the party who hears said dog scratching to go out at 5:00 a.m. must let said dog out.
    7. As if the other party didn’t hear said dog scratching.
    8. How can the other party hear said scratching if the other party is asleep?
    9. Maybe if the other party had said hearing checked…
  1. MISCELLANEOUS.
    1. The parties hereby agree:
      1. To remember years ago when they were perfectly happy sleeping together in a tiny, single bed.
      2. To maybe not eat so much chocolate so close to bedtime.
      3. To trim those toenails.

 

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Family - whadya gonna do?, It Could Happen... and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to The Bedding Contract

  1. franhunne4u says:

    Can I copy and adjust that for my two cat who keep occyupying MY territory EVERY night – and the female even during the day?

  2. This contract looks remarkably different if you marry someone in your 30s. There are a lot of clauses regarding hot flashes, snoring, personal space and the retention of a very comfy backup couch. We also have a rider to our life insurance policies that if either one of us dies from being smothered by a pillow, we probably deserved it.

  3. Paul says:

    Ha! funny Ross. My spouse used to kick me in the back when I snored. One night I was sleeping on the edge of the bed, she kicked and I rolled right out onto the floor. That’s quite a way to wake up – hitting the floor. My spouse came with two kids from a previous marriage. We worked at keeping them out of our bed and pretty much had succeed by the time they were 7 and 9. Then one night we had a wild thunder storm with blue lightning flashing all around. i had the drapes and window open in our room and it woke me. I saw the little girl come creeping into the room and go to her mother’s bedside and look down. Before I could say anything there was a house-shaking clap of thunder and blue sheet lightning like I’d never seen. It turned the little girl blue and woke Marie who saw her blue child reaching for her, sat up in bed and screamed very loud. The little girl stepped back said: “I think I’ll go now” and left. Ha!

  4. Cyn K says:

    My husband takes his half out of the middle. I laugh at my single, 20-year-old self for feeling lonely when I had a bed to myself. You fool! You never had it so good!

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  6. Karen says:

    I’ll need this in triplicate, please.

    Funny stuff. Love the provision for Breathing. When I was much younger, and much hornier (is it ok to say hornier here?), I worked with an older (she was probably 30) woman who revealed one day during idle chit chat that she and her husband had separate bedrooms.

    My nineteen year old jaw fell to the floor.

    Now that I’m older and less horny, I find myself looking at real estate listings of five bedroom houses and thinking, yes, yes, yes! I could have my own bedroom!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      I do wonder about the separate bedrooms. Do you pre-arrange conjugal visits? Again: contracts.
      You can say whatever you want here.

      • Karen says:

        “I do wonder about the separate bedrooms. Do you pre-arrange conjugal visits? Again: contracts.”

        I think you give hand signals, like the third base coach in baseball. You touch your left ear lobe, then your right, bend your knee, and tip your cap. That means, “Sex tonight. My place.” Or else it means “Bunt.” You probably need to consider the context before interpreting the signs. 😉

  7. ksbeth says:

    this would never work for me, i’m a dramatic flouncer.

  8. I don’t see anything about party one violently convulsing on the bed while party two holds on for dear life. I refuse to sign until the contract is updated. I didn’t say my husband’s lawyer was allowed to make this contract…

  9. Liz says:

    What about bedding? Can we add a line about one partner’s strange undying devotion to a disgusting tiger print blanket he purchased a a dollar store and insists on putting on the bed even though his wife thinks it is scratchy and furthermore, hideous? You know…hypothetically.

  10. List of X says:

    A contract is a good first step, but you might consider having a lawyer in bed just in case any disagreements over contract provisions arise during the night. And I realize that lawyers charge high hourly fees, but you could probably negotiate a lower price for the entire night if you promise you won’t make them do any funny stuff like drafting documents or notarizing signatures.

  11. Elyse says:

    I’m Spouse B. I get all the covers unless it’s hot. Then Spouse A gets them all.

  12. Holy crap, you don’t make lists like this for foreplay and other stuff, do you?

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