1. Why can’t your child stop being pure evil?
Because his evil is pure, can’t you see? It’s not a little evil, not part-time evil, not slightly over the top evil. Pure evil. The essence of evil. It cannot be stopped or contained. You might as well ask him to stop conjuring the minions of Satan or demanding we read him I Love You Forever each and every single night. I mean, it’s a tearjerker at first but after a while you just want to claw your eyeballs out. But we have to read it, otherwise he’ll smite us.
2. He’ll grow out of it.
I’m afraid not. My child was born pure evil and he will die pure evil, if, in fact, he does die, given that he can summon the infinite powers of darkness. Only when he has fulfilled his destiny in rendering unto oblivion all known matter and plunging the universe into a state of nothingness will he himself cease to exist, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to get his driver’s licence before that, so watch out.
3. He looks normal to me.
Does he? Does he really? Look closer. Look deep into his vacant eyes – eyes without pity, conscience or remorse. But not too close, for he will devour your soul. Plus he may have pink eye.
4. Have you tried altering his diet?
We’ve tried gluten free, sugar free, caffeine free, vegan. We’ve tried the Atkins Holy Wafer Diet. But whatever we give him, he just throws a temper tantrum until we give in to his demands for the blood of a thousand virgins. We can’t even show our face at Applebee’s anymore.
5. He needs more discipline.
Don’t you think we’ve tried discipline? If we send him to his room, he makes the walls run with blood. If we spank him, he just hisses, “Good, good, let the hate flow through you…!” Pure evil cannot be reasoned with. It can only be thwarted in an apocalyptic showdown with the forces of goodness. Or be shipped to an expensive but very discrete boarding school.
6. Surely drugs would do the trick. Or exorcism.
Drugs have proven effective in treating some forms of milder evil and have been shown to prevent demon seeds, bad eggs and other would-be sociopaths from inflicting harm or carrying out medium- to large-scale genocides. However, pure evil is resistant to pharmaceuticals and the Holy Orders of the Roman Catholic Church. Not to mention the fact that Big Pharma is in a clear conflict of interest, for why would they of all people want to eradicate pure evil?
7. Everyone’s a little bit evil. It’s no big deal.
This kind of statement demonstrates the ignorance of those who equate letting their mother’s phone call go to voicemail with the privation of goodness in human form. Pure evil doesn’t come and go, like indigestion or Republican conventions. Pure evil is a constant presence, creating strain on families, marital relations and educators, along with the ever-present fear that one’s skin may be turned into an overcoat.
8. Didn’t St. Augustine say that nothing evil exists in itself but only as an evil aspect or corruption of some actual entity, which, by its very existence via the Creator, is in essence good?
St. Augustine never had his pinkie toe bitten off by a maniacally laughing four-year-old at 3 in the morning.
9. Your child just took out my kneecap with a hammer!
Stating the obvious is not helpful. Don’t you think I know my child just took out your kneecap with a hammer? It’s clearly self-evident that my child is pure evil, so why would you bring your vulnerable kneecap within his radius of maleficence? Instead of making accusations, laying blame and screaming in agony while my child stands there with a blood-chilling grin on his face, perhaps you could offer us encouragement and perhaps a safe house for those nights when he beseeches the army of the dead to rise up, simply because we told him to put his iPhone away at the dinner table. Surely, a little support is not too much to ask from those whose very existence our child is determined to eradicate.
Stop. You’re only encouraging him.