10 things you should never say to the parent of a child who is pure evil

image1. Why can’t your child stop being pure evil?
Because his evil is pure, can’t you see? It’s not a little evil, not part-time evil, not slightly over the top evil. Pure evil. The essence of evil. It cannot be stopped or contained. You might as well ask him to stop conjuring the minions of Satan or demanding we read him I Love You Forever each and every single night. I mean, it’s a tearjerker at first but after a while you just want to claw your eyeballs out. But we have to read it, otherwise he’ll smite us.

2. He’ll grow out of it.
I’m afraid not. My child was born pure evil and he will die pure evil, if, in fact, he does die, given that he can summon the infinite powers of darkness. Only when he has fulfilled his destiny in rendering unto oblivion all known matter and plunging the universe into a state of nothingness will he himself cease to exist, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to get his driver’s licence before that, so watch out.

3. He looks normal to me.
Does he? Does he really? Look closer. Look deep into his vacant eyes – eyes without pity, conscience or remorse. But not too close, for he will devour your soul. Plus he may have pink eye.

4. Have you tried altering his diet?
We’ve tried gluten free, sugar free, caffeine free, vegan. We’ve tried the Atkins Holy Wafer Diet. But whatever we give him, he just throws a temper tantrum until we give in to his demands for the blood of a thousand virgins. We can’t even show our face at Applebee’s anymore.

5. He needs more discipline.
Don’t you think we’ve tried discipline? If we send him to his room, he makes the walls run with blood. If we spank him, he just hisses, “Good, good, let the hate flow through you…!” Pure evil cannot be reasoned with. It can only be thwarted in an apocalyptic showdown with the forces of goodness. Or be shipped to an expensive but very discrete boarding school.

6. Surely drugs would do the trick. Or exorcism.
Drugs have proven effective in treating some forms of milder evil and have been shown to prevent demon seeds, bad eggs and other would-be sociopaths from inflicting harm or carrying out medium- to large-scale genocides. However, pure evil is resistant to pharmaceuticals and the Holy Orders of the Roman Catholic Church. Not to mention the fact that Big Pharma is in a clear conflict of interest, for why would they of all people want to eradicate pure evil?

7. Everyone’s a little bit evil. It’s no big deal.
This kind of statement demonstrates the ignorance of those who equate letting their mother’s phone call go to voicemail with the privation of goodness in human form. Pure evil doesn’t come and go, like indigestion or Republican conventions. Pure evil is a constant presence, creating strain on families, marital relations and educators, along with the ever-present fear that one’s skin may be turned into an overcoat.

8. Didn’t St. Augustine say that nothing evil exists in itself but only as an evil aspect or corruption of some actual entity, which, by its very existence via the Creator, is in essence good?
St. Augustine never had his pinkie toe bitten off by a maniacally laughing four-year-old at 3 in the morning.

9. Your child just took out my kneecap with a hammer!
Stating the obvious is not helpful. Don’t you think I know my child just took out your kneecap with a hammer? It’s clearly self-evident that my child is pure evil, so why would you bring your vulnerable kneecap within his radius of maleficence? Instead of making accusations, laying blame and screaming in agony while my child stands there with a blood-chilling grin on his face, perhaps you could offer us encouragement and perhaps a safe house for those nights when he beseeches the army of the dead to rise up, simply because we told him to put his iPhone away at the dinner table. Surely, a little support is not too much to ask from those whose very existence our child is determined to eradicate.

Stop. You’re only encouraging him.


About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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38 Responses to 10 things you should never say to the parent of a child who is pure evil

  1. List of X says:

    Have you tried punishing the kid by making him stand in a corner of a pentagram?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      This is parodied somewhere and I can’t recall where: “It’s good that you did that. Real good.”

      • Karen says:

        I thought of the Twilight Zone as soon as I read your post. Unfortunately, not the best camera work from that YouTuber–I should have looked at it before I posted it (ah, well, my life is full of regrets).

        It’s a pretty famous episode from that series. I love the directorial decision to keep the three headed gopher off-screen–probably cost effective and also more terrifying for the audience to imagine what the creature looked like! “Gopher, you be dead!”

  2. franhunne4u says:

    Your son will hate you for this 😉 I loved it.

  3. Ned's Blog says:

    You had me at “I Love You Forever.” I thought there was something wrong with me because that booked creeped me out more than watching “Hellraiser.” Thank you for that. By the way, those types of kids generally grow up to have really bad hair and run for president. Or maybe that was the third “Omen” movie…

  4. You all joke but this really happened to me.

    Years ago, I had a good hiking buddy. We hiked alone, just us two, so we could complain about our significant others without interruption. His wife worked with behaviorally disordered children, which makes this tale all the more Damian in its scope.

    His daughter was a sociopath. I actually looked it up, poured over case studies, and ticked off the lists of psychological characteristics: The little succubus had nearly every one of them, she just hadn’t gotten around to skewering family pets yet when I met her. The parents were unaware. To them, she was “willful” and “self-actualized” and how dare I squelch her Girl Power at such a young age?

    To watch this ten-year-old work the adults around her was to see a budding Fox News lawyer spread her little wings and fly. She would lock a chilling gaze on you and deliver a line meant to probe, wound, and dishevel, all at once, and she knew how to single out the childless and socially inept for their lack of sparring skills. People squirmed in her presence, other kids gave her a wide berth. People did that thing where they claimed to feel sorry for her but sat at the other end of the table, anyway.

    Death came on swift wings to my hiking relationship with her father. One day, I caved and went on a family hike with him, Nurse Ratched, and Miss Damian. I skillfully avoided the demon all day until we sat down to lunch and the little shit lit into me with inappropriate questions with all the ferocity of Robert Shapiro on anabolic steroids. Mommy and Daddy gazed at us silently and chewed. I had enough, set up a Berlin Wall of boundaries with the imp, and was promptly abused for my efforts, “You’re obviously just not comfortable around children.”

    Oh, yes. Eighteen years of experience with the YMCA from camper to counselor, youngest senior counselor ever hired at YMCA of the Rockies, Camp Chief Ouray, and favorite among kids there, Program Director for the Latchkey Program at my university, self-employed at 16 as a children’s birthday coordinator, babysitter to dozens. Yep, children are icky.

    The pivotal moment came when Rosemary’s Baby needed to pee. Bathroom breaks on the trail are self-explanatory pauses of silence and discretion among hikers. Not today. She walked a few feet off the trail, removed all her clothes from the waist down, squatted in full view of everyone, and then calmly got dressed again while disturbed hikers tried to pass us with their eyes nailed to the sky. If anyone glanced at her, she leveled a gaze on them that could solder lead and then complained to her mother how creepy people were. Mind you, this was a kid whose puberty fairy had visited her early. You may commence squirming in your seat…now.

    Hiking Buddy got divorced a year or two later.

  5. When I lived on the Lower East Side, I knew a guy named Evil. No joke. That was his first name. The one his parents gave him. Can you imagine try to live up to that? All-in-all a pretty nice guy.

    Where did that pic come from? Did she set that fire? It sure looks like she did.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      That pics been floating around for a few years. I don’t know it’s origin. But if you search for “evil child,” it’s right at the top. Needs a “Where Are They Now? followup.

  6. My children are also great. Heroic, selfless, and well-mannered public transportation users.

    Great post.

  7. ksbeth says:

    i say go straight to exorcism.

  8. walt walker says:

    I’ve seen The Exorcist, and I will not hesitate to call in the Catholics if I ever see the girl in that photo.

  9. If Appleby’s won’t have you, there’s a PizzaPizza next to the high school here that, apparently, has a section reserved just for the Pure Evil.

  10. Banned from Applebee’s? I’d call it even.

  11. Omg I need to share this with my mom. Having had a child such as myself, this will make her laugh.
    (Actually all told I was a pretty good kid when I was little, just very chatty. I didn’t realize my true nature until middle school.)

  12. Pingback: Open the Vox is the Comedy and Special Interest Blog of Author Jordan Dumer and Opened Vox Publishing.

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