This is your fight song

If we learned one thing from the recent Summer Olympics, it’s that trampoline is a freaky thing to dedicate your young life to (Born to Bounce: The Rosie MacLennan Story). If we learned two things, it’s that there’s nothing quite like a stirring anthem to cement your jingoistic ties to the abstract notion of nationhood. Or nation of notionhood. Whatever.

With classes beginning this week, it seems a shame that many schools no longer have fight songs to rev up the bloodlust against other schools differentiated only by their postal code. There’s nothing quite like teenagers singing in unison as they call for the metaphorical death of their peers to make one feel pride in the ol’ school colours.

Maybe it’s because the nature of high schools has changed. It’s no longer about winning the big game. It’s about being sensitive to the times we live in.

And with that long introduction that really had nothing to do with the Olympics at all, I bring you some contemporary high school fight songs.

Fight Song for Schools with Racially Insensitive Team Names
We are the Indians
Though most of us are white
We come here not to cause offence but
Fight, fight, fight!
Our team name is an homage
To the spirit of First Nations
Their pride we share, their strength, their heart
We have no reservations

So fight, Indians, fight!
Letting winning be your mission
So fight, Indians, fight!
Though you cannot fight tradition

Yes, play on, you Indians
Our enemies can’t smite us
Nor can angry pressure groups
Despite how much they write us
We’ll cheer and chant respectfully
For every hit and pass caught
But please don’t make us justify
Our slightly racist mascot

(Repeat chorus)

Fight Song for Schools Whose Athletics Have Been Decimated by Budget Cuts
(To the tune of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”)

Oh, they took away our soccer team
They took away football
Yes, they took away our hoops, our pucks
They took away them all
Still they left us with one athlete
Who will heed the victor’s call
His cleats go marching on!

Glory, Glory, Howard Schula
Glory, Glory, Howard Schula
Glory, Glory, Howard Schula
He’s all we can afford!

He’s the tight end for the football team
He’s quarterbacking too
He’s a point guard and a forward
And he does what goalies do
If he lives through solo rugby
Then he’ll play next season too
His cleats go marching on!

(Repeat chorus)

Fight Song for Schools with a Perennial Losing Record
Go Black, go Green, go Burgundy
The team we gather here to loudly cheer
Play on, play on, though certainly
The time for you to win is nowhere near

For we love thee-e-e-e
Lacklustre Puma-a-a-a-s
Fight on, oh team that we adore
Yes, we know you-u-u-u-u
Can’t muster too mu-u-u-uch
But fear not – ’cause they stopped keeping score

Fight Song for Schools Preoccupied with Concussions
Hit them! (But not too hard)
Hit them! (And wear your mouth guard)
Romp ’em, stomp ’em, chomp ’em gently so
Crush them! (And then disperse)
Rush them! (To see the nurse
And tell their lawyers that we made them go)

For we are the Warriors
The lawsuit-fearing Warriors
With pride and caution we’ll bring home the Cup
Yes, we are the Warriors
The mighty careful Warriors
How many fingers am I holding up?

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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30 Responses to This is your fight song

  1. List of X says:

    You better copyright those, because I’m sure that in a couple of years, these will be the actual fight songs.
    Although your songbook doesn’t seem complete without a song explaining how winning isn’t important, it’s all about participation, yes, even for Billy who is velocitally and dimensionally challenged, and that everyone should get a ribbon at the end.

  2. pinklightsabre says:

    I like the reservations line best, and the racist mascot. I picture fans making those sawing motions in the air with their tomahawks. Had an English girl/friend who’d recite her home town football chant, from Scunthorpe: “you’re going home in an a-a-a-mbulance.”

  3. Paul says:

    Bwahahaha! Beautiful Ross – well done.

  4. My wife went to the University of Delaware. Their team is the Blue Hens. The very image strikes fear into every opponent’s heart. Maybe you can come up with something to make them sound more badass. Blue Hens.

  5. That poor Howard kid. Not only does he have the school’s reputation to uphold on the field, but he also has to get back home to the family business and wash the dishes from the dinner run.

  6. ksbeth says:

    just in time, thanks ross! i’ll teach these to my kindergarten so they can learn them right from the beginning!)

  7. Ned's Blog says:

    Given that our local school (newspaper, river, public commode) was named after the Siuslaw Indians, I’m going to give that first one a try and see how far I get. Wish me luck. And better health coverage.

  8. First rate rhyming, Ross, you missed your calling. Painting, poetry–you’re on a real liberal arts roll this summer. What’s next, interpretive dance?

    Wait…. (shudder)

    Anyway, people are right, you need to copyright and publish. Remember, the movie Idiocracy went from comedy to documentary in less than ten years by predicting Crocs, Fox News, and Trump. Let that be a lesson to your stock portfolio.

  9. Paul says:

    As an aside Ross I did a guest post over at Mark Bialczak’s . I would be honored if you had the time to drop by for read and comment. Thank you.Ross

  10. Watch out, you’re going to replace Anne Murray as the most famous Canadian songwriter named Murray.

Go ahead, don't be shy.

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