Trumps of Christmas Past

santatrump
1 AD
@realBethlehemTrump

Just read Old Testament. Not good. God did very bad job. All smiting, zero job creation. New Testament will be world-class, trust me.

Congratulations @HolyMary on fantastic birth. Great woman, totally a virgin. Shows what science knows about reproduction. Way off base. Sad.

No room at inn for Son of God! Unacceptable. Legit descendants of David? Very doubtful. Many illegals. Let’s see birth certificates!

Announcing plans to build Trump Inn City of David, blow all other inns out of the water. Super high security. Spa. #MakeBethlehemGreatAgain

Also abolishing gov census. Waste of taxes. Get gov out of counting. Privatize census, we know counting like nobody’s business.

Sending wise men to meet @JesusChrist. These men are the wisest, believe me. Top choices, recommended by @KingHerod, who I know very well.

Wise men traveling afar and bearing gifts from me personally for @JesusChrist. You would not believe these gifts: gold, frankincense, steaks

Science says stars don’t move. Wrong! The concept of fixed constellations created by the Romans to make Judean prophesying non-competitive.

@JesusChrist stable swarming w shepherds. Zero security. Sent by left-wing angels no question. Something should be done to get shepherds out

Hesitating Herod telling crooked media he’s the one who sent out wise men. King of the liars. Pathetic. Not a real leader.

Stable violence sad but clearly agitated by pro-angel shepherdists to disrupt glory of God and make us look bad. Such horrible angels.

Shocking news that @HatefulHerod was planning to kill @JesusChrist. Have never met this man but he is very bad. Would not call him Christian

Just read Gospel According to @LyingLuke. So biased. No mention of me whatsoever. Very dishonest. No more interviews with disciples.

336 AD
@lateRomanTrump

Christmas is December 25. Winter solstice not a thing. Completely fake. Made up by pagans, who are not a bright people, believe me.

Everyone knows pagans crucified @JesusChrist. We’ll build wall around Christmas, make pagans pay for it. #MakeChristmasGreatForTheFirstTime

Have many original ideas for Christmas traditions: evergreen, revels, fire, holly. Mystical gift-giver? Steaks? Stay tuned! #notsolstice

1840 AD
@realVictorianTrump

Improving Christmas is job one. Centuries of lame Christmases, zero innovation, terrible economic numbers, only for elites. Change coming!

Thrilled to nominate @RealSantaClaus as Secretary of Toys. Centralizing toy distribution to reduce economic burden on working class parents.

Move on, crooked media! Everyone knew Trump Inc. had investments in N. Pole. All elves documented w full health & candycane benefits. Biased.

Terrible people questioning truth of flying reindeer & one-night toy delivery. Enemies of Christmas must hate children. Pathetic.

Millions are tweeting pictures of half-eaten cookies and finished glasses of milk this morning! Very nice! Skeptics look foolish. Apologize!

Crooked media says @RealSantaClaus infringing on privacy regarding good/bad, spying on sleepers. Unprofessional. Media is on naughty list.

2016 AD
@realChristmasTrump

We won the war on Christmas. Get over it. Join in the spirit of season and sing “Last Christmas” by my good friends Wham! Buy Trump steaks.

*

Last plug of the year: Looking for a Christmas gift? Not too late to order A Hole in the Ground through Amazon.com, Amazon.ca or Blurb.ca or me.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Holidays, Never Happened and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to Trumps of Christmas Past

  1. maral44 says:

    Mars Year 33
    @FirstMartianTrump

    Flight to Mars: best xmas present from Grandpa Trump. Built first Trump Tower in Elon Musk Crater. Under budget and ahead of schedule (under 300 sols).

  2. pinklightsabre says:

    That’s unfettered, classic Ross. What does it mean to be fettered?

  3. HonieBriggs says:

    Best holiday post ever. Yes, ever. Believe me.

  4. ksbeth says:

    thank you for your interpretation. it is all much clearer now. and i happen to be a fan of smiting when it is necessary.

  5. Terrific! Yuge!

    Great post, Ross – pretty funny.

  6. The gifts of the new maggi: Frackingsense, courtesy of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson; Slightly used gold throne courtesy of President elect Donald Trump; Mirth, courtesy of Ross Murray, Canadian writer, humorist, and tweeter extraordinaire.

    It must be fun watching us squirm from your frozen kingdom to the north. But thanks for injecting some fun into our faltering farce of a future. Laughter is therapeutic. We need more.

  7. List of X says:

    See, and you thought Trump means death of satire. Writing something like this about Clinton, Obama, or Trudeau would have been much harder. No, Trump is satire gold, frankincense, and myrrh rolled into one.

  8. You are an international treasure. This was so worth the wait to read. Very funny, believe me.

  9. walt walker says:

    Brilliant! Written by one of the best temperaments, a winning temperament! Not sad!

  10. Don’t you think it’s a riot that his twitter tag has to start with “@real…” Like, someone already took his name? Which genius did that?

    My daughter turns 15 today. Don’t tell me what happens next. I want to be surprised.

  11. You are, like, a funny person.

  12. voamusicJF says:

    Gold Jerry, Gold!
    May this go viral on you. (First time I’ve ever said that to someone)

  13. pegoleg says:

    Hysterical. Why am I suddenly so hungry for Trump steaks?

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