January Newsletter of Russian Cyber-Hackers Local 301

Mildly Oppressive New Year, Comrades.

Holiday season is over in decadent West. Many bourgeois families woke on morning of Magical Jesus Holiday to find new electronic devices under freshly killed living room tree. It is musical ringtone to Mother Russia’s eavesdropping ears. Soon all of West will be puppet for Russian master and all of Russian people will have free subscription to Netflix.

Much work remains. But first, Comrades, we offer three hearty claps of hand to newest member of hacker family: Nadia has delivered strong and healthy baby girl underneath Soviet-era tractor in village. Welcome, Baby Vladimire, sister to Vladimir 1 and Vladimir 2. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.

Also we thank Boris for bringing beet muffins to last meeting. They were adequate. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.

img_3797

All hacker-related pics are really depressing, so instead here is a photo of our really fat cat looking comfortable.

Reminder to members: Tuesday is Bring-Former-Communist-To-Meeting night. We look forward to hearing stories of how American imperialists did not land on moon and Canada is big hockey cheat. Dress code: drab.

And now to big news.

Glorious Russian Federation is now ranked #2 in Barely United States of America as perceived threat to liberty and so-called democracy. Thanks to your efforts, brothers and sisters, of hacking email accounts that use “P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D” as password and making laptop virus that is just plain mean, Russia has passed #3 China as Western bogeyman. This is first time since sad days of end of magnificent Soviet experiment.

Also: we are #1 among girls 13-15. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.

We knew this day would be coming. China’s status as international pariah was weak, based on boring economic power. Threat of cheap Dollar Store spatula does not inspire fear and loathing among American people because they like cheap Dollar Store spatula too much.

Our most serious competitor is fanatics of ISIS, who stay at #1 as threat, but is more irrational fear for West than real threat. ISIS is not organized regime like Russia or China. It is faceless, irrational fear, like fear of dark or Ryan Seacrest.

Yet we remained at #4 for long time. For many years, we have been stuck behind China and oddball cousin locked up in basement, North Korea. Not even cheating in Olympic sport makes Russia great again. We are thinking at one point we will have to bring back female gymnasts with moustache just to get picture in newspaper.

Not to mention we have perfect Bond villain in Supreme Leader Vladimir Putin, who is intelligent like fox and virile like heterosexual viper. But Americans are not so interested, because he oppresses not Americans but own people. Territories Russia annexes at legitimate requests of Russian-loving neighbour citizens are too boring for uninformed Western buffoons to care about. And Syria! Do not get me starting about Syria.

It is hard to be American top scapegoat. But, look, my comrades! American election of Orange TV Businessman provides perfect opportunity to relive glory of Reagan-era Evil Empire!

Thanks to genius hacking of Democratic National Convention emails to reveal top secret information – that Clinton supporters think Bernie Sanders is big goonie-bird – Little Orange Fingers wins election. Russia wins United States election! It is not clueless, short-sighted, bigoted, bamboozled Trump voters who now have buyer’s regret, it is Russia that wins election! It is not out-of-touch, rudderless Democratic party that loses election. It is Russia that makes them lose election! All things that go wrong for next four years, it is fault of Mother Russia!

Because of Russian ingenuity and general sneakiness, my fellow hackers, they cannot even be certain it is one of our brothers and sisters who did this hacking. Tweeting Orange says it is not Russia. Tweeting Orange says it is Russia. Who knows? Oh, wonderful undermining of corrupt American democracy!

Corporate stooge Washington Post reports Russia hacks into Vermont power grid. It is not so; only oppressed worker checking Yahoo email on laptop. It does not matter! Russia is still #2 bogeyman! And American worker drone uses Yahoo!

It is wonderful to be big distraction from many real and larger problems that will lead to inevitable destruction of Western civilization. Continue your struggles, brave hacker comrades. Onward with the great work of hacking our way into paranoid hearts and minds of American people. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.

In closing, if one of you could fix keyboard so I can type little word like “a” and “the.” It is big problem.

 

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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34 Responses to January Newsletter of Russian Cyber-Hackers Local 301

  1. Wonderful, Ross! This brainwashed American stooge much approves. We watch American liberties circle drain together, da? Удачи!

  2. byebyebeer says:

    HA! Love the closing. The Reagan years were good to me, mainly because I was a kid whose big worries were sticker collecting and memorizing where all 50 states were on a map. Still there’s a certain nostalgia for when the Russians were enemy #1. This takes me back.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Yes, know the phrase “buyer regret” but not how to use articles.
      I turned 15 in 1980, so I was primed for nuclear doom. Luckily we had all those John Hughes-esque movies to distract us.

  3. Pingback: January Newsletter of Russian Cyber-Hackers Local 301 — Drinking Tips for Teens | gramirezblog

  4. List of X says:

    Spy! Traitor! Why you leaked secret meeting data? Stupid imperialists just begin to agree that Mother Russia can win gold medal in American election without doping, and here you leaking like a Russian battleship!

  5. You, are the master of parody!
    Incidentally, I just read a speech on the Kremlin’s website that Putin gave to the Valdai Int’l Discussion Club recently. It must be frustrating for him to be one of the few grown ups in amongst the dysfunctional teenagers of the political playground. 😝

  6. ksbeth says:

    as a resident and citizen of the B.U.S. and all around fun-lover, all i can think of is ‘moose and squirrel’ and ‘boris and natasha.’

  7. This is good post.
    CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.

  8. Comrade. Here is snack recipe for next newsletter: Turnip.

  9. HonieBriggs says:

    Boris as muse. Good? No good? Cannot choose.
    Sincerely,
    Barely Rhyming Vladimirina

  10. Mother of god, what are you feeding that cat, other cats? With cream?

  11. Oh man, that opening line, Ross! Killed me. Fantastic! 😉

  12. Apropos nothing, I saw this and thought of you up there in the Canadian winter, barreling down on your golden years with a shovel and a frown. You could probably use it to lift the 300 lb. cat, too.

  13. Who would have thought the Soviet Union might still win the Cold War? And we thought capitalism won, but they were just laying low waiting for capitalism to create the demand for each person to own multiple self-surveillance devices.

    Where can I get some of those beet muffins?

  14. CLAP, CLAP, CLAP.

    But. You do need to cut back on that cat’s mouse allotment. There can’t be any left in Quebec.

  15. Can you make a parody with this character list: HRC, Uranium One, Chris Stevens, John Mc Cain?

Go ahead, don't be shy.

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