Mildly Oppressive New Year, Comrades.
Holiday season is over in decadent West. Many bourgeois families woke on morning of Magical Jesus Holiday to find new electronic devices under freshly killed living room tree. It is musical ringtone to Mother Russia’s eavesdropping ears. Soon all of West will be puppet for Russian master and all of Russian people will have free subscription to Netflix.
Much work remains. But first, Comrades, we offer three hearty claps of hand to newest member of hacker family: Nadia has delivered strong and healthy baby girl underneath Soviet-era tractor in village. Welcome, Baby Vladimire, sister to Vladimir 1 and Vladimir 2. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
Also we thank Boris for bringing beet muffins to last meeting. They were adequate. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
Reminder to members: Tuesday is Bring-Former-Communist-To-Meeting night. We look forward to hearing stories of how American imperialists did not land on moon and Canada is big hockey cheat. Dress code: drab.
And now to big news.
Glorious Russian Federation is now ranked #2 in Barely United States of America as perceived threat to liberty and so-called democracy. Thanks to your efforts, brothers and sisters, of hacking email accounts that use “P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D” as password and making laptop virus that is just plain mean, Russia has passed #3 China as Western bogeyman. This is first time since sad days of end of magnificent Soviet experiment.
Also: we are #1 among girls 13-15. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
We knew this day would be coming. China’s status as international pariah was weak, based on boring economic power. Threat of cheap Dollar Store spatula does not inspire fear and loathing among American people because they like cheap Dollar Store spatula too much.
Our most serious competitor is fanatics of ISIS, who stay at #1 as threat, but is more irrational fear for West than real threat. ISIS is not organized regime like Russia or China. It is faceless, irrational fear, like fear of dark or Ryan Seacrest.
Yet we remained at #4 for long time. For many years, we have been stuck behind China and oddball cousin locked up in basement, North Korea. Not even cheating in Olympic sport makes Russia great again. We are thinking at one point we will have to bring back female gymnasts with moustache just to get picture in newspaper.
Not to mention we have perfect Bond villain in Supreme Leader Vladimir Putin, who is intelligent like fox and virile like heterosexual viper. But Americans are not so interested, because he oppresses not Americans but own people. Territories Russia annexes at legitimate requests of Russian-loving neighbour citizens are too boring for uninformed Western buffoons to care about. And Syria! Do not get me starting about Syria.
It is hard to be American top scapegoat. But, look, my comrades! American election of Orange TV Businessman provides perfect opportunity to relive glory of Reagan-era Evil Empire!
Thanks to genius hacking of Democratic National Convention emails to reveal top secret information – that Clinton supporters think Bernie Sanders is big goonie-bird – Little Orange Fingers wins election. Russia wins United States election! It is not clueless, short-sighted, bigoted, bamboozled Trump voters who now have buyer’s regret, it is Russia that wins election! It is not out-of-touch, rudderless Democratic party that loses election. It is Russia that makes them lose election! All things that go wrong for next four years, it is fault of Mother Russia!
Because of Russian ingenuity and general sneakiness, my fellow hackers, they cannot even be certain it is one of our brothers and sisters who did this hacking. Tweeting Orange says it is not Russia. Tweeting Orange says it is Russia. Who knows? Oh, wonderful undermining of corrupt American democracy!
Corporate stooge Washington Post reports Russia hacks into Vermont power grid. It is not so; only oppressed worker checking Yahoo email on laptop. It does not matter! Russia is still #2 bogeyman! And American worker drone uses Yahoo!
It is wonderful to be big distraction from many real and larger problems that will lead to inevitable destruction of Western civilization. Continue your struggles, brave hacker comrades. Onward with the great work of hacking our way into paranoid hearts and minds of American people. CLAP. CLAP. CLAP.
In closing, if one of you could fix keyboard so I can type little word like “a” and “the.” It is big problem.