Re: New guidelines for the coming in/going out of March

img_4263The management would like to inform you that, in accordance with our recently adopted policy on heightened inclusivity and respect for species fluidity, March is no longer exclusively required to come in like a lamb and go out like a lion (or vice versa, i.e. coming-lion/going-lamb).

This policy is in accordance with non-binding recommendations by an independent panel convened to address a complaint brought against the calendar year by the Alliance for Animal-Mensual Plurality, which raised objections regarding the binary and mammalcentric approach to the third month of the year.

Embracing simile diversity

Consequently, we urge you to be sensitive to the fact that March may come in and go out like any creature it chooses. For example, March may now come in like a spotted sandpiper – barely managing to remain balanced as it runs to and fro in a bit of a tizzy – and go out like a slug – wet, repugnant and leaving a regrettable trail of slime.

Or March may come in like an unfriendly housecat with a weepy eye and go out like the majestic blue wildebeest, as inscrutable as it is difficult to spell.

March may even come in like your neighbour’s escaped python and go out like the bloated carcass of a beached whale.

In short, the animal kingdom is the limit.

Please note that if March does come in like a lion, which it is most certainly entitled to do, it is not required to go out like a lamb. March may come in like a lion and also go out like a lion. It may go out like a cuttlefish. It may even go out like seven chimpanzees on a first-name basis with Jane Goodall. That’s the beauty of animal simile diversity.

What about unicorns, etc.?

A number of you have asked about mythical beasts. Can March, for example, come in like a lamb and go out like a Yeti? We are sensitive to the need for openness regarding the varied interpretations of what is meant by “species” and at this point are willing to accommodate non-documented, faith-based species. This will be done on a case-by-case basis if the mythical species in question can be shown to be integral to one’s cultural/religious heritage. Please speak to Human Resources.

At this time, however, we cannot entertain purely fictional creatures due to the possibility of copyright infringement, among other considerations. For example, March may neither come in nor go out like Hobbes from the beloved comic strip Calvin and Hobbes nor may it come/go like “a stuffed tiger that comes to life only in the imagination of its precocious and borderline sociopathic owner.”

And while we are sensitive to the fact that humans are, indeed, animals, we at this time are unable to allow March to come in like one’s cousin Alice and go out like Don Ameche’s loveable character in Cocoon.

Be aware as well that at this juncture we cannot countenance March coming in or going out like a box of chocolates, like a red, red rose, like a virgin, and so on.

March-ish

Note as well that we now recognize that March is no longer constrained to a coming-going dichotomy. March may come in like a lamb, go partway out like a dolphin, come back in tentatively like a speckled trout in a cute bowtie, flit about briefly like an intoxicated Chihuahua and finally go out for good like an easily offended emu.

There is also the possibility, though unlikely, that March may come in like an antagonistic long-tailed weasel and simply not go out again. In such an event, please remain calm and await further instructions regarding vacation times, major league baseball schedules and fishing season.

In addition, we cannot predict the reliability of either the coming in or the going out of March now that, based on the recommendations of the panel, we have unfettered ourselves from the patriarchy-based calendar year and its artificial, linear construct. In fact, we have recently convened a separate non-partisan, cross-cultural advisory committee to examine the possibility of doing away with March and its related 11 months altogether. This would empower lions, lambs and all other sentient creatures to come and go in accordance to their natural rhythms.

Either way, we recommend rubber boots.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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32 Responses to Re: New guidelines for the coming in/going out of March

  1. byebyebeer says:

    Love. Especially how you worked in “Don Ameche’s lovable character in Cocoon.”

  2. We’ll never come up with a March policy that feels inclusive enough. Someone will always be offended or feel left out. That’s why it’s best to leave this to the impartiality of robots and algorithms. Let AI be the one to tell us how March is behaving. I need data.

  3. March. She’s a dirty whore of a month, don’t you think? Not as slutty as February. February has no morals at all. But March is a pig, too.

  4. mikedw says:

    Management is to be commended for this bold, wide-ranging policy. Especially pleasing is the provision for reverse order – paragraph 1, parenthesis – demonstrating your hemispheric inclusiveness. Official announcements often neglect to acknowledge that the inverted half of the planet marks the seasons in contrary sequence. I have a preference for ‘in like a possum, out like a wounded bull’ but that may betray an unacceptable bias towards the agrarian sector.

  5. List of X says:

    Look, maybe this kind of thing is acceptable in your country, but here in the United States we are simply not comfortable with the idea of a month coming in as a lamb and going out as a lion. I mean, if God made you a lamb, then your a lamb, and if God made you a lion, then you a lion. That’s the God’s plan and you don’t get to pick. We don’t believe in any of that trans-speciual garbage here. Maybe in Canada you can do whatever and marry whoever, a lion, or a lamb, or March if you want, but here in America things are different.
    And also if March is a lion and then it’s a lamb, which bathroom is it supposed to use then? A lion bathroom or a lamb bathroom? And I understand this could be easily confused because there’s letter L on both of them, but what if March is really lion who just pretends to be a lamb, so that it can go into a lamb bathroom to assault an innocent lamb? I mean this thing kind of thing happens every time, just look at the state crime statistics, millions of lions have assaulted innocent Lambs in the bathrooms, and we need to put a stop to that.

  6. HonieBriggs says:

    The rubber boot recommendation is a good idea, especially in those years when the intoxicated Chihuahua flits about. Query? What about fungi and bacteria? Could, for instance, March come in like a mushroom and go out like streptococcus?

  7. pinklightsabre says:

    Please speak to Human Resources. That’s like saying, ‘it’s on the portal.’ You know that line as a communications professional, right?

    • rossmurray1 says:

      The stuff I don’t know is astounding. If ever I had to apply for a real communications job, I’d be sunk. (Wait, I did once, at a university. The interview was among the most deflating experiences of my life.)

      • pinklightsabre says:

        You’d be surprised how well you’d do. I did, and knew nothing. We all start from that base of nothing-knowing.

  8. March 17th is the perfect time to start that exercise regimen you’ve been putting off since January 1rst.

      • No need. It’s a spectator sport around here and everyone already knows when it’s coming. The promises of adult beverages dyed a certain color start slipping into radio ads and all red-headed men in a fifty mile radius begin psyching themselves up for the one night a year their odds of getting laid skyrocket.

        Portland, Oregon, embraces all cultures with one hand; the other one is holding our beer.

  9. ksbeth says:

    and ‘march’ is the only month that is a verb.

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