New Pot for Old Farts: A Guide

I’m already overwhelmed.

So, you’ve decided you’re going to start smoking pot again. Congratulations!

First, though, stop calling it “pot.” These days, the cool kids call it “weed,” and that’s 30 percent the point of this entire exercise, right? To be cool again, just like you were in your twenties when you wore a bandana and regularly smoking doobies.

Don’t say “doobies.” Or wear a bandana.

Getting the lingo down is just one of the many things you’ll have to relearn after these many, many years since you last smoked the ganja. (Do not say “the ganja.”)

You probably stopped smoking because you decided you were a responsible adult with a job and a family, but mostly because you couldn’t bare the shame of getting busted buying a bag of weed from some high schooler at the bus station. Instead, you did what any responsible adult with a job and family would do: you drank habitually.

But now that you’ve reached middle age, your body can’t tolerate alcohol like it used to. You’ve decided that alcohol isn’t worth it if it interferes with the most precious thing in the world: a good night’s sleep.

And yet you don’t want to entirely give up mood-altering substances because that would mean you would be stuck with yourself all the time, and no one wants that.

So, with marijuana expected to become legal in Canada next year, you’re thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s time again to spark up a spliff.”

Don’t say “spliff.”

If you are considering it, you’re not alone. After Colorado legalized recreational marijuana in 2012, past 30-day use by adults over 26 went from 7.6% in 2012 to 12.4% in 2014. In Oregon, which legalized marijuana in 2014, use among adults 26 and older has doubled since 2006.

In other words, anywhere the criminal element of marijuana possession has been removed, you’ll find giggling middle-aged couples eating untoasted PopTarts and fighting off the paranoia that they’ll be caught not by their parents but by their kids.

If this sounds like you, read on for the lowdown on high in 2017!

What’s marijuana like now?

Back in the day, grass was like a box of chocolates: it really made you want to eat a box of chocolates. But you also never knew what you were going to get. A standard purchase might be three parts marijuana, two parts tobacco, one part oregano and one part eraser shavings.

But with the legal retailing of cannabis products, expect not only controlled dosages but also nuanced flavours and subtle impressions, with heady tones here and mellow notes there. In other words, something else to make you feel stupid and inadequate. This is also how they ruined beer.

Is smoking weed bad for my brain?

Probably. But you’re middle-aged now and your brain cells are well past their prime. Knock yourself out. You should probably be more concerned about the weight gain.

How will I feel?

Every person reacts differently, but in general terms you can expect giddiness, increased heartrate, light-headedness along with possible feelings of euphoria and/or anxiety. You will also experience reactions after you smoke the weed.

And then how will I feel?

You may feel like sitting in front of the TV for hours doing nothing but eating snacks. In other words, typical Friday night.

I’ve heard that pot can adversely affect ambition. Is that true?

You still have ambition?

Does that mean weed is now socially acceptable?

Heavens, no! What do you think this is, booze and lotteries? Cannabis is very, very bad. A scourge really. A demon plague. If you don’t believe me, witness the tone of the federal Liberals, who have made it clear that this will be their least fun piece of legislation since they decriminalized assisted suicide. The only reason Canada is legalizing marijuana is to keep it out of the hands of children. In other words, if you don’t smoke it, the children will. Do you want that? Do you want the children to be potheads? Didn’t think so. Be a responsible adult. Smoke one for the team.

Will smoking weed make me have to tinkle?

Don’t say “tinkle.” And no.

Oh, thank God.

Right?

Should I write a blog post that seemingly glorifies marijuana use, even though such a casual approach could jeopardize my day job?

I wouldn’t recommend it.

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About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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40 Responses to New Pot for Old Farts: A Guide

  1. ksbeth says:

    i think we’ll need classes.

  2. How did you know I would be needing this guide? Wait a minute, you didn’t see me spark up that time, did you? I mean, you know, not that I actually sparked up…do the kids still say that…sparked up? Uh oh, the kids…they didn’t see me, did they?

  3. List of X says:

    I have more questions: Why do I feel hungry? Why does word “hungry” look like a contrapt… contrip… construct… contraction of the words “angry” and “Hun”?

  4. pinklightsabre says:

    Worth the wait. And can guarantee you, it will be when you guys legalize. Fun to hide something other than sex toys in your sock drawer. Really. I could go on, but I won’t. I’ll have another beer.

  5. Maybe it’s been long enough that all the old slang will come back around and be cool again. Or it won’t, and you’ll be laughed out of the dispensary for trying to purchase a ‘nickel bag’ of ‘grass.’

  6. You can say “roach,” but point when you say it so people know which little brown thing you mean on the kitchen table.

    I’ve made it through a liberal arts university education, living in the boonies, hanging with fellow artists, and Oregon and I still haven’t partaken of the doobage. A sous chef even offered to give me a slab of homemade gourmet Fun Butter. Nope, I said. I’m not a personality that needs stimulants.

    Ignore the coffee I’m drinking. (drinks coffee)

  7. No need to feel guilty. Just tell them you use it for strictly medicinal purposes. Laughter is good medicine. So is sleep. So is not giving a frack about things…occasionally. It’s coming in real handy these days. Word to the wise and elderly—half the dosage of everything, unless sitting in the recliner drooling is the goal.

  8. Karen says:

    I wonder if it’s less fun (or exciting or appealing–you choose) when it’s legal? I have to believe that, like sex, smoking dope is more fun when it’s furtive and just a little bit illicit.

  9. I stopped smoking decades ago because it made me stupid, lazy and antisocial. I can’t think there’s any reason to believe that’d change. And the weed nowadays is so powerful. Almost narcotic strength. I’d go out on a Friday night with my pals and burn 10 joints. If I did that now I’d be in a coma. Pass.

  10. Hmph. Next thing you know, they’ll make Teenburgers legal!

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Do you feel weird ordering Teenburgers? Sissy ordering a Mamaburger?

      • No, but I order them “well done” so that I get that fleeting look that tells me there is no possible way on earth to slow the process down and sizzle those burgers a few extra seconds. But if they could, they surely would. (They give me the Garfunkel look; I get Garfunkeled.)

  11. Robert Cox says:

    Haven’t smoked it in about 9 or 10 years. Didn’t make me paranoid; more like nervous.

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