Good morning, everyone. I think we can get started. First of all, thank you all for coming out to today’s press conference announcing today’s press conference.
First, a little background about the press conference. As you know, the press conference was first conceived two days ago when we decided it was critical at this time to hold a press conference to explain the press conference.
Our public relations team immediately issued an invitation to media outlining the broad outlines of the press conference, namely that we would be holding a press conference, without giving so much away regarding the specifics of the press conference as to make it unnecessary for the media to attend the press conference, said media being a critical component of said press conference.
We further enticed media to attend the press conference by noting that refreshments would be served. I am pleased to announce that the refreshments as referenced are present today: two platters of saltines along with process cheese slices that have been cut along both axes, thereby turning each regular cheese slice into four miniature cheese slices.
You will find a fact sheet about the cheese slices and their specific dimensions in your press kits, which will be handed out after today’s announcement but before the refreshments.
There is also Tang.
Now that you know the background of the press conference, it gives me great pleasure to announce today that we are holding a press conference, and that this press conference is taking place right now.
As you can see, we are here in this hotel conference room that has been upholstered in a narrow spectrum of neutral shades. There is a podium that I am standing behind, equipped with an unnecessary microphone for such a small room, and behind me is a single banner that reads “PRESS CONFERENCE.” We will be posing in front of it for photos after I finish speaking but before the cheese-eating and press-kit-taking. I will refer again to photos shortly.
A total of 20 stacking chairs with a comfort rating of 6.7 have been placed in four rows at a distance of 15 feet from the podium, creating just enough distance to destroy any sense of human intimacy. The chairs are occupied by four reporters and nine people involved in setting up the press conference and who have a stake in the press conference’s success. There are just enough people to make it feel like a press conference, and yet few enough to make it feel the room is too big after all.
There are no television cameras present, which is a considerable let-down, press conference-wise, but not something we will be mentioning when we tweet the announcement about the press conference at the conclusion of the press conference (#pressconferencehashtag).
At this time, I would like to introduce you to a person who is sitting in a chair to my right as well as another person who is sitting in a chair to my left. They have things to say about their important role of sitting with me at the press conference, as follows: “We are proud to be sitting at the press conference today. The sitting that we have done here is something important that we do. Without the sitting, this would not be the press conference it is today. I hope the sitting will serve as a precedent for future sitting at press conferences for years to come.”
You will find this quote in the written press release that we have prepared about the press conference, which is located in your press kits. We will also be emailing you the press release at the conclusion of the press conference, which could have saved you the trouble of attending the press conference, except then who would eat all this cheese?
In conclusion, we will be concluding the press conference by summarizing the points of the press conference, namely:
- We called a press conference
- We had the press conference
- The press conference was concluded
Thank you all again for coming out. We are pleased we have been able to package this information about our press conference today, and we look forward to seeing identical information published in all media, including hopefully somehow television, which is the only media that really matters.
Now, as promised earlier, we will be posing uncomfortably in straight lines for photos holding a thing that represents the press conference, in this case tiny squares of cheese. This will be accompanied by awkward spontaneous banter and uncomfortable laughter.
We will not be taking questions.