Suaaaave…
Canada and my moustache are young.
Canada is only 150 years old. My moustache is only five days old.
Canada and my moustache were born out of necessity.
Canada was created as a means of establishing an east-west alliance between the British colonies that could withstand the relentless territorial ambitions of the United States. My moustache was created as a means of establishing a character in an upcoming production of Guys and Dolls with the mostly modest entertainment ambitions of community theatre.
Canada is a little bit French.
My moustache is a little bit French.
Canada is a great producer of cheese.
My moustache is cheesy.
Canada and my moustache have displayed great valour.
Canadians performed with courage at the Battle of Vimy Ridge (1917). My moustache performed with courage at the Battle of the Not-Very-Sharp Razor (2017).
Canada has its roots in European colonialism.
My moustache has its roots in my upper lip.
Like Canada, as moustaches go, mine is pretty okay.
There are a lot of moustaches out there, and some are elaborate affairs with a long history of lubricants and totalitarianism. My moustache, like Canada, is fairly unassuming. It doesn’t claim to be the best moustache, though when you get right down to it, there are certainly worse ones. It’s not like it’s a Hitler moustache, for God’s sake! My moustache is okay. Maybe more than okay. Go ahead and call it the greatest moustache on the planet if you like, but in my heart, I know it’s just pretty good.
Canada and my moustache secretly crave attention.
Forget everything I said. Canada and my moustache really want the rest of the world (and my friends and coworkers) to say how cool and awesome and likeable and sexy they are.
Canada and my moustache are actually pretty needy.
I mean, why couldn’t you call this the best moustache going? Look at it! It’s way less pervy than I thought it would be. That’s quite an accomplishment, as far as moustaches go. Just because I don’t make a big deal about it doesn’t mean it’s not majestic. Call it understated panache. It’s simply that those big American moustaches get all the attention. Stupid vintage Tom Selleck!
When you come right down to it, Canada and my moustache are slightly embarrassing.
It’s almost as if Canada and my moustache are asking to be made fun of.
People think about Canada and my moustache a lot less than Canada and my moustache think they do.
No one really cares that much about Canada and my moustache besides Canadians and me. It’s nothing but a lot of navel-gazing, or, in this case, moustache-gazing. Either way you go cross-eyed.
Windsor, Ontario is across the river from Detroit, Michigan.
The character my moustache and I play in Guys and Dolls is Detroit, Nathan.
Canada promotes itself around the world as a tourist destination.
My moustache promotes its role on stage this July at the Haskell Opera House, also a tourist destination.
Canada is a humble country.
My moustache, not so much.
Prime Ministers of Canada who have had a moustache:
Zero. Sir Mackenzie Bowell (1894-1896) had a full beard and moustache but his name was also “Bowell” so let’s just pretend that never happened.
Canada and my moustache have a reputation for tolerance
Canada prides itself on welcoming people from around the world. In fact, this longstanding embrace of multiculturalism has effectively allowed Canada to resist the allure of nationalism that has proven so divisive in other countries. By comparison, my moustache has not made a single off-colour joke since it established itself on my face five days ago, though it is on the condescending side (the front).
Canada owes an apology to its First Nations peoples.
I owe an apology to all the people who have to look at me for the next month.
To celebrate Canada’s 150th, admission is free to all national parks.
But visiting my moustache will cost you 5 bucks.
Drinking Tips for Teens 
Looking forward to the show, and, of course, gazing on your soon-to-be-world-famous mustache!
Wait until you see me swimming in my suit!
Photos, please so we can all enjoy.
Yea for Sir Mackenzie! Reintroduce Dignity to government leaders by requiring beards & mustaches. Down with Pottymouths & Begin the Bowell Movement!
The ladies might object.
“Guys” is one of my all-time favorite shows, sorry I’m not close enough to attend. And please feel free to delete my comment, I have these episodes of primary school humor sometimes, and didn’t realize that was a real PM.
Oh yeah! In my novel, I named the local high school Sir Mackenzie Bowell High School. They call it “Sir MB” but the local wags refer to it as “Sir BM.” So, you see, I’m all for the juvenile humour.
I recently grew a ‘tache also, because I was a substitute teacher, and got tired of people asking me for my hall pass. It did help me get into the teachers’ lounge, but I trimmed it after I got the nickname “Super Mario.” Do you know the Nick Lowe song “All Men Are Liars”? “There stands the naked ape in a monkey suit, Behind a little mustache he grew, the shifty brute…”
This is a very funny column you’ve got going.
Thanks, man.
Nick Lowe is sorely underappreciated, including by me. “Stoplight Roses” is a favourite of mine.
Your mustache is fantastic. I used to have a dog named Baffi… which means mustache in Italian so we have a lot of mustache themed items in the house. Maybe I should send them to you.
Hold onto that; this is a short-term endeavour, trust me.
No, please grow it into a handlebar mustache. It will keep you warm for the Canadian winter.
Only $5?! Hooray for community theater and the moustaches it brings to the world, if only briefly. You wear it well.
Thanks?
And I get to sing! I haven’t done that (publicly) in easily 30 years (not counting that time at a newspaper convention, which in sober hindsight, was not as hilarious as I imagined).
Thanks a lot, now I can’t stop thinking about all the bad 70s porn playing in the background of all those bad 90s college dorm parties. Electrical engineers sucked at dorm parties. (sigh) Now, I miss dorm parties.
You have just described something I have zero experience of. Point to you.
You were right to give electrical engineers a wide berth, they’re sketchy.
I’m shocked.
I deduct points for dad jokes.
Just gave you a shout out at The Mad Hatters. Send my check to….
https://madhatters.me.uk/2017/07/01/canadas-really-big/
Very noice. Thanks.
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Don’t lump the rest of us in with your ‘stache. I’m Canadian and I’m not humble needy nor an attention seeker … I don’t think so, anyway.
Apology accepted.
It is worth the $5. And I believe that is “South Detroit,” according to the Journey song that CBC radio says has the Canadian connection! Maybe you should go by Nathan “S” Detroit.
good luck, man, and i can see the parallels so clearly now
I took a lot of latitude. (Parallel? Latitude? Get it? Never mind…)
You got that much growth in only five days?! C’mon, man, do you expect me to believe that. What a man, what a man. As long as you don’t get any French cheese stuck in it.
Nathan Detroit is a meaty role. A classic. It requires facial hair. Maybe a bit of wax at the tips. Dang. Wish I could go. Why the two different spellings in the tags?
No, no, I had a beard and I shaved the excess. Yes, Nathan is a lot of fun, probably the most fun I’ve had. It’s also the biggest, so I’m somewhat terrified. Wish I could see if my accent passes the homegrown test.
Two spellings because I remember someone thought I was making it up when I spelled it “moustache.”
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You had me at my mustache is five days old. I’m impressed.
Sorry, that’s a bit deceiving; I had a full beard and reduced to a moustache. I had been living with it for five days. I’m not solid testosterone, you know!