Me, age 110, explaining the secret of my longevity

It’s so nice to have you reporterbots from GoogleThought drilling into my consciousness for an interview. I remember when I was a flesh reporter and I had to do these stories by actually talking to old people. Human contact was so uncomfortable back then. This is much easier, and I don’t even have to get dressed or unhook myself from SeniorFeed.

The secret of my longevity?

Well, staying active, of course. Walking, stretching, fending off packs of feral dogs. I use a cane, you see, which helps with walking as well as whacking things. That’s good cardio. Oh, yes, I can still whack with the best of them. You know how the saying goes: Violence makes the heart go stronger.

And music. Music has always been an important part of my life, but it really came together when I joined a choir in my eighties. A bunch of us senior survivors, we called ourselves Choirmageddon, and we toured the shade farms singing “folk songs for seniors and contemporaries,” songs like “If I Had a Hammertoe,” “White is the Color of My True Love’s Hair,” “Goodnight Irene (But It’s Only 4 p.m.),” “Hey, Mr. Tetracycline Man,” “Blowin’ in the Toxic Atmosphere” and “Anarchy in the UK and Pretty Much Everywhere.” We built up a great community during difficult times, but, you know how it goes, somebody always has to ruin it by resorting to cannibalism.

Speaking of diet, I drink a lot of milk. That all started, well, you know, with President Trump’s famous milk speech back in 2018. Here’s the mind link in case you need it:

“We have all these cows working day after day after day, real beauties, doing their thing, huge, making milk like nobody’s business, and it’s good milk, let me tell you. The best. And they’re doing it with the udders and it’s going into the bottles and shipping it – boy, are they shipping it, believe me – and every single morning milk, boys and girls are having their good milk being brought to them by their nannies or valets, whoever, in their special milk goblets with the monograms, like everyone does, no matter what the lying media tells you. And all of this great milking is those cows up in the little town of Bethel, Maine, a real Santa’s workshop of milk, serving the whole country, and Santa Claus, by the way, is Canadian, and we’re going to be getting a much better deal from him, believe me. Toys every day, it’ll make your head spin.”

And after that, of course, the liberal media would have nothing to do with milk, and there were the boycotts and then the dairy purges, such intolerance, such terrible lactose intolerance. Naturally, all that surplus milk came pouring over the border to Canada, the so-called “white market,” which effectively killed the milk subsidy up here. There was a lot of cheap milk around. It was bad for the farms but good for me, and that’s all that matters, right?

Oh, and the best part was that everyone started mooing at Trump after that, and he got so upset he invaded Wisconsin. That was finally when the GOP expressed “concern.”

Anyway, President Lindsay Lohan straightened everything out. Too bad the climate collapsed.

Staying on top of current events is also important.

I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I never smoked marijuana after it became legal, then illegal again, then legal and finally an alternative source of fuel.

I do crossword puzzles. Oh, I don’t solve them. I just make puzzle grids with random clues and leave them lying around for the other residents to “solve.”

It’s important to keep your sense of humour.

Here’s a riddle:

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Google who?”
“Come on, we know you’re in there…”

What else…

Oh yes, I’m extremely wealthy. Definitely that’s the biggest key to longevity: not being poor. I tell you, it was close for a while, especially after the Tim Hortons House of Commons did away with Old Age Pension. But I caught onto the entrepreneurial spirit in the 2020s and developed an alternative form of sexual healing: holistic humping. Made a bundle. I’ve got enough money now for enhancements and replacement parts in perpetuity. Yup, definitely don’t be poor.

That’s about all I can think to you. Thanks for stopping by my brain, but if you’ll excuse me now, I have to reboot my pancreas.

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
This entry was posted in Never Happened and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Me, age 110, explaining the secret of my longevity

  1. Very funny post, Ross. You really have Trump’s patois down. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing. And you have a very good eye for American politics – the milk debacle is pitch perfect. I’d laugh about that except it might lead to crying. Tough days in the old U.S. of A.

  2. This is so great 🙂 I laughed start-to-finish.
    And looking forward to the Choirmageddon/Cowsills reunion double album, Bovine Devine. But right now, gotta go, National Guard is moving us out of Upstate NY, people are getting very badly hurt, quite a führer, I mean furor, cows out of control, epidemic of Raging Bull Pucky Disorder…luckily we don’t have to worry about our houses.

  3. ksbeth says:

    so funny and didn’t realize, until reading your first paragraph, that you were once a ‘flesh reporter.’ good thing president lohan stepped in to clear things up –

  4. Pingback: Me, age 110, explaining the secret of my longevity | World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum.

  5. John Young says:

    THANKS for the laugh, Ross. Great trumpspeak.

  6. pinklightsabre says:

    That’s the station, right there. “Left of the dial,” as they used to say. Not soap! Radio, fool!
    I loved this through and through. And oddly, that photo you chose: looks just like my mom’s brother, my uncle Dave. And likely me, if I’m lucky to live that long. To endure all this. “The Endarkenment” David Mitchell calls it. Bone Clocks, yo’.

    • rossmurray1 says:

      Bone Clocks is on my to-read list. I like that word, and now have reason to push it to the top of the pile.
      I tried looking for one of those face-aging apps to do myself but then I realized that would be horrifying for all. Besides, my Dad is visiting, so no real mystery.

      • pinklightsabre says:

        Mitchell offers a playlist at the end of his book to accompany the book. Kind of really out-there cool. I found it on Spotify and I’m one of two followers.

  7. At least you still have your teeth. Oh…wait…

    I love the knock-knock joke. Can I borrow it?

    Nice Tim Horton shout-out. You should’ve circled around to ‘A Hole in the Ground.’ Marketing fail.

  8. Pingback: Me, age 110, explaining the secret of my longevity — Drinking Tips for Teens | WilliWash

  9. Naw, THIS is you as an old writer:

  10. Thank You Ross Murray for the laughs. You should write another book. Hole in the Ground was funny, no doubt, but I think you have more to say, and Lord knows there is ample fodder to choose from. Pun intended. Your Trumpisms slay me.

  11. meil2017 says:

    its so amazing .life is important ,i will adapt his lifestyle to have a longer life.

Go ahead, don't be shy.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.