“Stevie Wonder is a straight-up national treasure” – Chicago Reader, November 17, 2014
“Betty White is a national treasure.” – George Takei, Facebook, October 11, 2011
“Robbie Robertson of The Band described [Gordon] Lightfoot as ‘a national treasure.’” – Wikipedia.com
“11 Reasons Why Mike Myers Is Canada’s Greatest National Treasure” – diply.com
“[Dame Judi Dench] believes the biggest misconception about her is that she’s a ‘!*#%!?!! national treasure’. – metro.co.uk, August 27, 2017
Dear Mr. Murray:
We regret to inform you that, after careful consideration, the Department of Canadian Heritage and Nifty Titles has denied your request to be declared a National Treasure at this time. The deliberating committee came to this decision based on the following considerations:
- National notoriety
It would appear, Mr. Murray, that you are known only in a small corner of Canada, and not very well at that. We consulted the owner of your local (only) grocery store, and he did not know your name. Granted, when we described you, he laughed and said, “Oh. That guy.” So you are indeed not without a certain neighbourhood celebrity but far from nationally known.
Moreover, while we must respect your claim that your “face has been seen from sea to shining sea,” driving across the country with your head sticking out the window does not constitute a foundation upon which to build one’s reputation.
In addition, our committee has investigated your assertion that “people light up when I walk in the room.” It turns out that people light up smokes.
And while we take at face value your statement that “if people across the land did get to know me, they sure as heck would treasure me, like a rare vintage tooth trumpet,” we cannot grant National Treasure status on potential treasuring, only current or past treasuring. Also, we require clarification on this “tooth trumpet” business.
- Contributions to the arts and culture
In addition to being known and beloved by a large cross-section of society, a declared National Treasure should have made significant and lasting contributions to arts and culture or at very least have a smile without, in your case, furtive bits of black olive in it.
Mr. Murray, you make your claim for National Treasure status based primarily on a self-recorded SoundCloud post entitled “I Spy With My Weepy Eye” that has been listened to 27 times. Your declaration that this is “more than twice the number of Jesus’ disciples!!!!!!” [exclamations yours] is not particularly relevant.
In addition, the recording in question is merely you talking wistfully about the many different pens you have stolen from motels over the years. Impressive, truly, but this alone offers little to shout about, celebrity-wise.
Finally, we dismiss out of hand your declaration that you are a “treasure” because you are “hard to find and covered with dirt.” Really, sir, you are better than that.
- The current National Treasure glut
As you can imagine, the Department of Canadian Heritage and Nifty Titles receives countless requests by citizens seeking to become National Treasures. These requests are particularly high following a well-publicized opening; when Leonard Cohen died, our department was positively inundated. In fact, so insistent was he, we had to issue a restraining order on Burton Cummings.
Canadian Tire guy
Regardless, Canada is currently experiencing a surplus of National Treasures, reflective of the situation globally. This is due to the relaxation in National Treasure criteria, as stipulated in UN Resolution 3755F, the International Celebrity Accolade Treaty, which resulted in National Treasure status being attributed not only to the likes of Anne Murray and Margaret Atwood but also to that guy in those Canadian Tire commercials.
In short, Canada has currently reached its maximum number of National Treasures.
We invite you to reapply in the future should an individual actively turn down his or her National Treasuredom in a profanity-laced tirade or should a current National Treasure pass away; Mike Myers isn’t looking particularly well, FYI.
We are sorry we cannot offer you better news, and we thank you for your interest in becoming a National Treasure. We hope you will continue your pursuit of becoming beloved for whatever it is exactly you do. Perhaps National Treasuredom will be yours at some future date. In the meantime, we encourage you to examine the possibilities of becoming a regional treasure or perhaps a municipal knickknack.
Sincerely,
George Pantsworth
Asst. Commissioner of Dishing Out
Meaningless Titles
Drinking Tips for Teens 
“…we require clarification on this “tooth trumpet” business.”
Yeah, me too. Actually, now that I think of it, it might change Mr. Pantsworth’s mind, if you did!
It’s like a crutch: when your gag isn’t particularly funny, through in some absurdity.
I’m sure the injustice of this utter rejection must rankle. Although sometimes it turns out, it’s not true rankling, and that irritated feeling turns out to be sand in your shorts, from when you went to the shore. But if you are rankling, a Sore Subject of the Queen, and appeal the decision, making you just this once, “appealing,” we’d be happy to provide an affidavit that you’re not only big in Japan, but well-known in Upstate New York. Heck we’ve already provided your picture to Customs and Border Protection.
Very funny start to my day, thank you! Tooth trumpet I pass by without comment, but I love “municipal knickknack”. 🙂
I demand a Royal Commission, if not a white paper!
Tooth trumpet is lame, but then entire episode is built so I can finish with knickknack.
*the*
Tooth trumpet? Is that a bird?
Sorry to hear you were turned down, Bill … er, Ross. We do treasure you, just not as much as Canadian Tire and its smiling guy. But, you know, give it time. There’s hope.
My ego can’t wait that long!
There’s Anne Murray again, you share more than a surname. National identity too! That’s a very creative and odd assignment you took on, here. I picture you ideating blog posts in your office, there. That’s actually funnier to imagine, in a way.
I started this a couple of weeks ago and abandoned it. Dame Judi pushed me over the top.
“It turns out that people light up smokes.” Ha! Oh you’re a treasure alright. I don’t even recognize that tire guy.
Count yourself lucky.
Tire guy looks like a dude in middle school who used to take my lunch money away. Impossible, I know, since I was in Cleveland, but a flashback nonetheless. Could Ross have posted a trigger warning?
The sensitive should really just stay away altogether.
could you go with ‘natural treasure?’ – something along the lines of fool’s gold or a spongy moss?
I could live with that. Possibly am.
Nice but I don,t understand to much of this
Well, thanks for trying.
You’re a treasure to us, Ross. Let the console you.
Who names their kid ‘Burton?’ Who looks at a cute little wiggly pink new baby and thinks, ‘Burton!’
Must be a Winnipeg thing. (I’m impressed that I knew that without looking it up.)
This just means you’re still young and sexy.* Look at that list. I rest my case.
*Betty White and Judi Dench are grandmothered into the sexy group on the basis of their badassery, alone. That much badassery IS sexy.
Blush.
Don’t get a big head. For one thing, it’ll be a lot harder to shave every morning.
We could start an online petition on change.org if you like and send it to the DCHNT, which sounds like a German curse word–a very bad one actually.
Now that you mention it.
Since becoming a National Treasure appears to be out (for now), how about approaching your provincial government to become a Provincial or Regional Treasure? Picture your face on one of those “Welcome to (insert province’s name)” signs in the middle of nowhere followed by: “Home of Provincial Treasure, Ross Murray.”
Only if there’s a 20-foot statue.