“Unfortunately, due to family and personal reasons, I must close my clinic at the end of August 2018. I will be moving my medical practice to Abitibi, specifically the emergency room in the hospital at Rouyn-Noranda. … I will remain responsible for your medical dossier in the coming years.”
– Letter from my family doctor
Dear Doctor,
How are you? I am fine. At least I think I am. Really, I can’t know for sure since you, my family doctor, are now 800 km away. Let’s just ignore the phantom tingling and assume I am fine.
It has been two years since my last checkup with you. Actually, that was my only checkup with you. I was on a waiting list for a family doctor for about seven years before that. About halfway through that waiting period, someone from the Health Department called to check my status. My wife took the call and made the mistake of reporting that I had no health problems. That put me back on the list for another four years.
But finally I got you, and we did have a good checkup, didn’t we? I really thought we hit it off, and not just because you palpated my liver in a way I only dreamed possible.
I did not make an appointment last year because I know the Quebec healthcare system actively discourages people from seeing a doctor unless they are actually sick. Preventive medicine in Quebec means as much as possible being prevented from seeing a doctor.
Nonetheless, I think it’s important for a man my age to be have regular checkups, if only to repeatedly hear the phrase “for a man your age.”
But, again, you’re 800 km away and I have neither vacation days nor bus fare. Instead, let’s try to do this remotely.
My weight is unchanged, although this is a guess since I have no means of weighing myself and the grocer doesn’t like it when I climb on the produce scale. I would describe my weight as somewhere between “normal” and “cadaverous.” Please see the enclosed selfie. How do I look to you? Please note that the green hue is merely my choice of filter.
For my blood pressure, I measured it on one of those automatic machines at the pharmacy. I was a little nervous because there was a geriatric in a mauve velour tracksuit hovering around orthopedic insoles and giving me the stink eye. It was hard to concentrate but I wrote it down: my results were 120 over $6.99.
I anticipated that you would want a blood test to check my sugar levels, cholesterol, etc. Obviously, I don’t have the equipment to draw blood. Instead, you’ll find enclosed a soiled Band-Aid from when I cut myself opening a tin of corned beef. The Band-Aid should provide you the sample you need, and the corned beef should settle any questions about cholesterol.
I will now describe a mole I am concerned about: it’s like someone took a raisin, sliced it in half, rolled it in fine sand, baked it at 375°F for 20 minutes, turning once, and then hot-glued it to my back. You’re probably wondering whether the mole has changed. Well, sure, it says it’s changed but can you ever really trust a mole? After all, I’ve been burned before. For moles.
Oh, why not talk about that phantom tingling! It starts in my upper arms, then migrates down to my forearms, eventually becoming a numbness in my hands until finally I can’t feel mu fpogerth qe uelle buaaoiuaer009elvcao8el…
And then it just goes away.
Speaking of fingers, I guess I can’t put this off any longer. It’s time for the, you know, “the test.” Unfortunately, you’re there, 800 km away, and here I am, leaning over an ironing board with my pants down. It isn’t easy to find someone to do this. It’s not like I can ask for volunteers in an office-wide email. Again. And I can’t ask my wife, certainly not without buying her dinner first. So I’m in a bit of a tight spot.
No, literally, I’m in a bit of a tight spot. So here are the results of my self-exam: yes, I did take a deep breath and, yes, I did feel a little pressure. I have no idea how my prostate is, but the good news is that I’m still very flexible for a man my age.
This concludes my checkup. Please enter all this data into my file, Doctor, and let me know if you have any concerns, questions or travel tips for the Abitibi region. In the meantime, I will continue to exercise regularly and eat well. As they say, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
I must have eaten a lot of apples…
Sincerely, your patient
Ross
Drinking Tips for Teens 
I don’t know what to say, Ross. I don’t want to play a doctor on the internet.
The internet is my doctor.
You unfortunate Canadian.
Your funny bone is in fine shape. Or is that your humerus? Yeah, that’s what passes for humor on this end. I need coffee.
Wa-wah… Laughter is the best enema.
I believe in our country, it’s now womp-womp, straight out of the mouth of another American idiot and translated by our intrepid, yet phonetically-challenged journalists.
Whoop-whoop! (That’s because where I live, Quebec, we get two long weekends in a row this week and next. A propos of nothing, but I thought I’d rub it in.)
It’s nice to know Canada’s single-payer health care system is keeping you healthy.
The system is a mess for the casual user. However, I can tell you from first-hand experience that when things go bad, it works like a charm.
Ross,
That’s good to know. In the US, I believe they are killing us with overkill.
And here in the US, it’s just the opposite – it’s working out great until you really need it.
Socialism: it does a body good.
I guess it is what gives the body this fashionable cadaverous look that all supermodels are working hard to obtain.
Yes – finding a doctor for a check-up can be a real problem, but I agree that when it’s a big issue, things move real fast. At least that’s my experience in the west – BC, AB, NWT.
I have two parents in hospital right now. There’s a lot of stress but paying for it isn’t one of them. I can’t imagine what that must be like, even with insurance.
That sounds terrible. I live across the water (Lake Huron) from Ontario. I’ve heard complaints about a wait of several months, but never anything like your situation. Maybe you need to bribe more internists to the area. McGill’s in the general neighborhood, right? Perhaps you could just move to Montreal if they have a medical school. 🙂
I’m hoping one of my kids marries a doctor. A vet would also do.
Join us here in the U.S., healthcare is totally groovy! Spending $10k/year per person, $3 trillion, and the #1 reason for personal bankruptcy – we’re closing in on a million people a year bankrupted.
Maybe don’t use “cadaverous” in your letter, in case you signed an organ donor card, they may show up to collect. A few posts back, you mentioned doing that DNA ancestry thing, maybe they’ll take a look at the mole if you mail it in.
You make me laugh. (Second paragraph, not the first.)
You got me with the mole/raisin line.
Yum.
I have some concerns about a mole, too. It’s orange, pretty big, and pretty nasty, it says it’s human, but I think it’s a Russian mole, and it’s somehow running the country now. We need to have it removed, but I’ve been told that the earliest appointment when it can be removed is in November 2020.
Yes, but it hasn’t changed, nor is it likely to.
you may have to move away from your long relationship with him and begin a new one with a local, long distance relationships can be so hard -)
Perhaps you need to employ a doctor with a specialty in telepathic abilities. You can sit in your easy chair and he could poke and prod you from distant lands. I love that the two spellings of Quebec are only differentiated by an È. Why bother?
It’s all about pronounciation. English is like “ketchup,” French like “case,” and the accent makes all the difference. Now let’s try “Montreal”: say “Moe-Ray-Al.”
If you have soiled your bandaid you may need to recheck the operator’s instructions. (Unless it’s one of those life hacks I keep reading about.)
Is this one of those regional differences…?
Oh My God. I’m just dying here. As to favorite report, I’m torn between your untrustworthy mole and your rectal self exam. (Or would that be self rectal exam? I’m not sure on the grammar of that one and don’t dare trying to Google it.) However you phrase, well done, and my condolences to your wife for what she has to do to get a dinner date out of you!
Ever in Stitches,
One Who Suddenly Appreciates My VA Health Care Provider Much More Now!
The visuals! The visuals! Glad you made it through.
One should never read your columns while eating. I almost chocked when I got to the ironing board part!
Always love reading or hearing your bits on the radio. Keep it up Ross.
You leave my bits out of it!
Thanks, Wendy.
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This is tremendous