Have you seen this nostalgic man?

Lost: male, white, 52, gently used. Wears glasses and occasional beard when the benefits of not shaving outweigh the benefits of not itching. English speaking, French faking. Distinguishing characteristics: avoids eye contact and commitments.

Last seen in Nova Scotia, in his childhood bedroom on his childhood bed with the same childhood bedspread, if you can believe it, though it’s held up pretty well, which not all of us can say. Subject had recently been asked to go through a trunk of photos and documents by his mother, who has also held up pretty well.

Subject may have been sucked into the vortex of nostalgia. May be disoriented. Approach with caution and promise of restored youth.

What is nostalgia?
Nostalgia is a debilitating condition that affects one out of every single person over 45. It is an incurable condition that becomes progressively more acute as the subject becomes progressively more un-cute. Symptoms include wistfulness, unhealthy fixation, lack of interest in others and mild stalking. In other words, it is much like pubescent love but without the lust and hormones.

Nostalgia sufferers may appear dazed and may become easily obsessed with seemingly unimportant details, like who among his classmates has obviously had work done, and why has that person on Facebook friended her but hasn’t friended me.

While there is no cure for nostalgia, it can be controlled by quietly reminding the subject that there was probably a good reason she broke up with that old boyfriend in the first place.

But enough about nostalgia. What about that lost, apparently very handsome man?
The subject had been acting strangely in recent days, ever since he had arrived at his childhood home, which his parents are inevitably going to have to give up, triggering feelings of introspection, loss and speculation about which furniture he could claim.

First indications that the subject had succumbed to nostalgia was when he found a photo of himself, age 17, in one of the many albums stored in his childhood bedroom, which weren’t there when he was growing up, so what’s the big idea!

The photo showed the subject looking well-groomed, fit and hubba-hubba in a Tiger Beat kind of way. In fact, the subject was overheard muttering, “This is the best photo I’ve seen of me at that age because it looks nothing like me!” He then posted it on Instagram with a self-deprecating comment but obviously fishing for compliments regarding his youthful looks and vigour. (He was successful.)

The subject was also seen reading some blatantly autobiographical short stories (a character named “Russel”?) containing overwrought symbolism and some startling misogyny that he really needs to do some atoning for. The subject also unearthed several university essays that indicated he was a far more mediocre student than he remembered.

These last items went to recycling. While on the surface it would appear by this action that the subject was resistant to nostalgia, we now know that he was merely complying with his wife’s plea not to “bring home stuff that’s just going to end up in the attic with all the other stuff.”

Not even furniture?
“Not even.”

But back to the lost, decidedly feminist man…
The subject showed further indications that he was becoming sucked into nostalgia when he posted a Facebook photo of his Grade 6 elementary class. He then posted a cast photo from a university theatre production and spent the rest of the evening interacting with people tagged in the photo and feeling terribly nostalgic even though he has no memory whatsoever of that play! But, still, it got a ton of comments.

If found, the subject should be approached gently and told in a calm, reassuring voice that all his ex-girlfriends pine for him daily. Also do not criticize him regarding his misleading use of the word “all.”

Next, transfer the subject to a neutral environment that does not include his childhood record collection and an ivy that has thrived in a living room planter for over 50 years and how is that even possible!

Finally, show the subject the lovely note from his favourite high school English teacher on the occasion of his graduation, the one that says, “Remember always to ‘dream things that never were; and say, “Why not?”’ Then write about them!”

In other words, stop gawking at photos of prom dates and get on with it!