Weakly Classified

For Sale

Meat pump, fully insured partially clogged. Must be seen to be appreciated. Must be cleaned to be useable. Call 555-3095; ask receptionist for the “Ecclesiastical Department.”


Gilbert & Sullivan collectibles: Pirates of Pen Sets; Mikado Short Sharp Shock Absorbers; Iolanthe Action Figures (still in original gauze); GondolierMuffs (two for the price of poor wandering one); the Very Model of a Modern Major-General Model Kit (in shipshape). 555-9984. Phone may ring long time; Patience.


Stained glass. Also: tarnished fork, chipped plate. Best offer. Will trade for new glass, fork, plate. (No sporks, please.) 555-4876.


Professional Services

Too much? Too little? How about now? Is that better? We can help with that! You just have to ask. Don’t be shy! What are you waiting for? Really, it’s no big deal. It happens to the best of us. Don’t be ashamed! Really? Oh, then maybe you should be a little bit ashamed. Call us and we’ll set you up. Or maybe put you down. It’s up to you! 1-800-555-GOSH. Walk-ins welcome. Walkouts quite common.


Is your Internet provider giving you everything you need? Do you require more speed, storage and protein? Not getting enough iron in your email? Sign up with Peanut Butter Bandwidth, North America’s first Internet provider/breakfast spread. Get “stuck” with us; you’ll love it when we “jam!” Ask about our Wi-Fibre specials. http://www.internuts.com.


Head-tilting lessons for girls 13-21. Find that one perfect head-tilt for all your photographic needs! Look dorky no more! Look hot forever! Look identical in every photo! Call now and get 1 free lip-puckering lesson! Steve’s Photo and Chiropractic Studio. 555-0085.


For Rent

4 1/2, includes heat, utilities, furnishing, vaguely sinister neighbours, caged rodent of uneasy disposition, closet full of existential dread and stolen hotel toiletries, oppressive anxiety as you lie awake, something there in the shadows. Lovely morning light. Must-see. 555-4118.


Stu-stu-studio apartment: 3 bedrooms, 2 hearts, 1 more night. Priced at face value. This one cries “Take me home!” Ideal for those living separate lives. No down payment or jacket required. Don’t lose my number: 555-7842. No pets or Peter Gabriel.


Job Opportunities

Extras sought for movie shoot. Working title: “Good Cop/Drunk Cop.” Micronesians only, please. Must supply own gunwales, glo-sticks. 7:30 a.m. Baxter Street Mini-Mall parking lot. Ask for “The Wiggler.”


Make a fortune working from home! Easy money! Our organization representing a highly advanced alien race is currently seeking healthy human specimens to serve as hosts for future terrestrial domination. Enjoy a highly attractive benefits package before life as you know it on this planet comes to an abrupt horrific end. Ask us about health insurance! Call 1-888-DIEEARTHSCUM.


Now hiring: Triple-Five Inc., specialists in generating fake telephone numbers for film, television and print. Send CV to Box 64 c/o this paper. No phone calls (obviously).


Personal Ads

Squid wrangler seeks same for friendship, sharing of photos, possible adoption. 555-1966.


SWM, good shape, teeth intact, looking for love in all the wrong places, hoping to look in your right places; left places will also do. Overly squeamish need not apply. Send photo and shoe size to Box 34 c/o this paper.


Impersonal Ads

Recently divorced F seeks M for long, noncommittal evenings of ignoring each other with occasional morally detached bursts of violence. References not necessary. 555-4097.



Perspective, all sense of proportion, will to live. Last seen with the point (also missing). Sentimental value. No questions asked. Fewer questions answered. 555-1103.


Originally published May 2012

About rossmurray1

I'm Canadian so I pronounce it "Aboot." No, I don't! I don't know any Canadian who says "aboot." Damnable lies! But I do know this Canadian is all about humour (with a U) and satire. Come by. I don't bite, or as we Canadians say, "beet."
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27 Responses to Weakly Classified

  1. ksbeth says:

    luckily i may have found myself the perfect job. i have lots of experience as a squid wrangler, as a kindy teacher.

  2. About that first ad – does it come with a shovel and mask? If so, call 555-Bate and ask for Norman.

  3. Great collection of ads!
    Somehow, however, I hope these people don’t all meet up somewhere, that might end up in mischief – – like all those warnings about mixing bleach, ammonia, and grapefruit juice. The squid wrangler + alien host recruiter + meat pump, seems like that could turn ugly.

  4. pinklightsabre says:

    Stu-Stu-studio. God, I just started this and it’s better than bubble gum.

  5. pinklightsabre says:

    Morally detached bursts of violence !

  6. Sheila Moss says:

    Thank goodness it’s you. For a minute there I thought I had clicked on Craigslist.

  7. Your Phil Collins rental is just so damn perfect. Very satisfying. How do you do this, week after week?

    I have a friend who is a professional extra. His agent sends him around to be in crowd scenes and sit in the background in restaurants.

  8. Pingback: Weakly Classified — Drinking Tips for Teens | idiotprufs

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