• Next season on “Survivor”: everyone is covered with staticky packing Styrofoam and the first person who gets it all off their clothes without losing their mind wins.
• Just once, I’d like to see instructions that say your food item should be baked at 427°.
• Whodunnit character: Gil Sanz, Font Detective. (“Yeah, sure, I know your type…”)
• Bad French translation for making toast: bronzage du pain
• The mythical mountain creature that is also good at algebra: the Binomial Snowman
• I saw a box of 30 Magnum condoms at the pharmacy. I think it exists solely to impress the cashier.
• Everyone’s goal should be to go through life like a dog with his head out the car window.
• More terrible band names: Fats Squalor; Dental Vacation; The Urinal Cakes; Catfood Factory; The Headless Rabbits; Lactose Moon; The Bean Salad Aftermath
• It is without question less sad to dine alone at a café than to dine alone at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
• Age means having to mentally prepare yourself to lift your leg.
• Hashtag of the campaign for public flatulence: #metoot
• “Where do all the crazy birds live?” she asked. He pointed and said, “This way mad nests lie.”
• Unhelpful Conversations With Teenagers (No. 1 in a series): “Do you want watermelon?” “I don’t know.” “Is that a yes or a no?” “I don’t care.”
• The fact that cookie dough goes on the baking sheet in a lumpy splat and ends up a pleasing flat circle is evidence of a divine plan.
• Delightful + delicious = delighcious
• Unhelpful Conversations With Teenagers (No. 2 in a series): “Dad, why did you put a mouldy jar of salsa back in the fridge.” “I’m not the one who uses salsa. It’s because you guys open new jars before checking to see if there are other jars already open.” “There aren’t other jars.” [Dad opens fridge; finds two open jars.” “Well, you’re the one who put the mouldy one back.” “You have zero empirical evidence of that.” Conversation continues until teenager puts jar quarter-full of mouldy salsa in the sink, fills it with water and walks away.
• Conversation with 23-year-old daughter after trying goat-milk brie: “Ugh. I don’t like it.” “So, its not going to be your goat-to cheese?” “Haha! Goat one!”
• Home is where you can take off your glasses and not bump into anything.
• Starbuck’s new Passive Resistance Blend: Mahatma Grandé
• Sometimes when my iPhone doesn’t recognize my thumbprint I’m filled with existential dread.
• Conversation with a young woman: “You’ve been married a long time. Has it ever happened when you’re married that a woman asks you out?” “That never happened even before I was married.”
• Ways I’m likely to put my back out: sneezing; lifting; static shock from folding laundry; folding laundry
• Podiatrist film noir: Grime and Pumice-ment
• How impatient we’ve become with regular-flow hand dryers.
• Dog afflictions: Barkinson’s disease
• Conversation with Teenagers While Shopping for School Supplies in Which Dad Gets the Last Laugh: “I have the feeling there was something else the teachers asked me for that I don’t have.” “Your undivided attention?”
• Title of my autobiography: Grumpy-Go-Lucky
Drinking Tips for Teens 
What you write when your blogger friend does a post full of short pieces: A short comment.
Yes.
Mahatma Grande? XD I’m glad I learned my lesson to not drink while reading, these are all pretty neat. I don’t know about you, I’d have my glasses on and still manage to stump my toe twice before reaching the kitchen.
PUT THE BEER DOWN!
I think I may start using your translation. I like tanned bread more than grilled bread.
French toast, for real, is pain doré. Golden toast. Isn’t that nice?
The French version of French toast is pain perdu. Lost bread. Sounds more romantic and doesn’t make me think of showers.
“Fats Squalor” is my favorite – – could be a band, tavern, barbeque joint, a mini-series with a down-on-his-luck pool hustler, or certain chief executive. I feel like a heel for criticizing, but maybe it would be-hoove you to put a toe tag on the only Achilles tendon here: “Grime & Pumice-ment,” a bit corn-y for this digital age. Regards, R.R. Raskolnikov
So much. So much!
ah, yes! The Bean Salad Aftermath! I think I saw them back in my college days when they opened up for Moldy Salsa.
BTDubs… (my teens current fave saying that makes my skin crawl) this post made me laugh out loud several times so thank you.
Your welcome. And how in the hellishness is BTDub a convenient acronym, either to say or spell? Kids…
Good one. Actually all of them. And most conversations with teenagers are unhelpful (🙄)
But you have to be nice because one day you’ll be old.
maybe the perfect magnum marketing angle is to put ‘monster-size’ on the box and have regular size inside. only the buyer is in on the secret.
False advertising all around.
I try not to have conversations with teenagers. I just use THEIR vocabulistics – pointing and grunting.
Great post – I really enjoyed it.
Grunt…
So your 23-year-old daughter proves that you have passed on your pun gene. It will be your legacy. 🙂
She’s the only one who consistently laughs at my jokes, so naturally this makes her my favourite.
Terrifically entertaining. Thanks.
My favourite, that I actually found quite affecting, was the one about living life. Though it was probably just the wind.
Flapping ears are always distracting.
I’m happy/sad to read about putting your back out. I’m always walking on eggshells for that very reason. I thought I suffered alone but now I know I have a traveler on the same path. We could trade medications like they’re cooking recipes.
It all serves to remind me what a sad physical specimen I am.